♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
ALL WEEK--
IF YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING THE SHOW, YOU KNOW ALL WEEK I'VE
BEEN TALKING ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN AFGHANISTAN.
IT'S A COMEDY GOLD MINE-- IN THAT TRYING TO DO JOKES ABOUT
IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE TRAPPED DEEP UNDERGROUND WITHOUT
ENOUGH OXYGEN.
BUT TODAY, ALL THE NEWS FROM THERE IS "WAIT AND SEE."
SO I, TOO, AM GOING TO WAIT, AND SEE WHAT ELSE THERE IS TO TALK
ABOUT-- YOU KNOW, LIGHTER NEWS, LIKE THE DELTA VARIANT.
( LAUGHTER )
REINFORCEMENTS TO FIGHT IT.
TODAY, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED BOOSTER SHOTS WILL BE
OFFERED TO AMERICANS BEGINNING SEPTEMBER 20.
OF COURSE--
THE VAX MAN'S HERE.
OF COURSE, NOT ALL AMERICANS ARE IN FAVOR OF EVEN ONE VACCINE.
IN SAN DIEGO, A BUNCH OF THESE FOLKS, CAME OUT TO PROTEST
VACCINE MANDATES AT A BOARD OF SUPERVISORS MEETING-- AND BUCKLE
YOUR BRAIN: >> WE SHOULD NOT BE SPENDING OUR
TIME HERE AND OUR LIFE FORCE ENERGY FIGHTING PEOPLE WHO LACK
CRITICAL THINKING AND COMMON SENSE, YET WANT TO PUSH A
VACCINE ON US.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?
SATURN IS IN THE SAME POSITION AS IT WAS DURING THE AMERICAN
REVOLUTION OF 1776, AND YOU ARE THE REDCOATS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS CRAZY!
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE EVER SEEN OR HEARD.
SATURN IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION.
MARS IS.
THINK ABOUT IT: RED COATS, RED PLANET.
IF YOU DON'T GET THAT, YOU'RE CLEARLY A LIBRA.
( LAUGHTER )
HEARTS AND MINDS...
AND LOINS.
>> TO THE MEN THAT HAVE SHOWN UP, OH THAT'S BEEN SUPER HOT.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU GUYS TO GET UP HERE AND JUST
ROAR LIKE A LION.
THAT'S AWESOME.
>> Stephen: RROWRR!
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN CATCH HER IN THE NEW REALITY DATING SHOW:
"THE ANTI-VAX-LORETTE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"RYAN, WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS PATHOGEN?"
( COUGHS )
PROVED THAT SHE'S NOT A THREAT TO SOCIETY.
SHE'S A TRIPLE THREAT TO SOCIETY.
>> I GOT A QUICK QUESTION FOR YOU GUYS.
♪ DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?
SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY MEN ♪ IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE
WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN ♪ HEY, THAT WAS OFF THE CUFF.
I DIDN'T EVEN PLAN TO DO THAT.
I DON'T EVEN SING.
>> Stephen: "OH, NO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
DID I BREAK OUT WITH A BROADWAY SHOW TUNE?
DON'T WORRY, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO--
♪ WHEN YOU'RE A JET YOU'RE A JET ALL THE WAY,
♪ FROM YOUR FIRST CIGARETTE TO YOUR LAST DYIN' DAY! ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CRAZY BOY!
EASY ACTION!
♪ MORE THAN A WOMAN TO ME ♪ BUT THE ABSOLUTE BELLE OF THE
CRAZYBALLS WAS A MAN NAMED MATT BAKER, WHO OPENED HIS SPEECH
LIKE THIS:
>> THAT'S THE WIND.
THAT'S THE WIND OF TIME.
THAT'S THE WIND OF HISTORY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BLOB MARLEY
PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE WIND OF "YOU TRIED TO WHISTLE AND THEN
REALIZED YOU COULDN'T AND PRETENDED YOU WERE IMITATING THE
WIND."
"YOU GUYS KNOW THE THEME SONG TO 'ANDY GRIFFITH'THEME SONG?
( TRYING TO WHISTLE )
THE BONES OF FLOYD THE BARBER."
( LAUGHTER )
SPEECH GOT PRETTY INTENSE.
>> YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN WILL BE
SUBJUGATED!
THEY WILL BE ASKED, "HOW MANY VACCINES HAVE YOU HAD?
HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD LITTLE NAZI?"
HEIL FAUCI!
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: I MISS THE WHISTLING.
( LAUGHTER )
I CAN SEE YOU'RE PASSIONATE.
THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU.
BUT I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU OF THE PHRASE, "YOU CATCH MORE
FLIES WITH HONEY THAN YOU DO WITH CRYSTAL METH."
( LAUGHTER )
COUNTRY, AND ALL THE NUTS ROLLED TO CALIFORNIA, RIGHT?
( WHISPERING ) I'M SO WORRIED FOR OUR COUNTRY,
BECAUSE ONE OF THESE MANIACS ONE OF THESE MANIACS,
COULD BECOME THE NEXT GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA.
AS WE SPEAK, GOLDEN STATERS ARE DECIDING WHETHER TO RECALL
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM, SEEN HERE YELLING,
"BRING ME MORE POMADE!" NEWSOM IS RELATIVELY POPULAR,
WITH A 57% APPROVAL RATING, BUT THAT MIGHT NOT SAVE HIM.
YOU SEE, RECALL ELECTIONS ARE NOTORIOUSLY LOW TURNOUT, AND THE
RULES ARE REALLY STRANGE.
IF NEWSOM GETS 50% OR MORE OF THE VOTES, HE STAYS IN OFFICE,
BUT IF HE GETS 49%, THE NEW GOVERNOR WILL BE WHOEVER AMONG
HIS 46 CHALLENGERS GETS THE MOST VOTES, EVEN IF NO RIVAL GETS A
MAJORITY.
SO WHO COULD BE THE NEXT GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA?
ACCORDING TO ONE POLL, THE FRONTRUNNER IS 29-YEAR-OLD
YOUTUBE INFLUENCER KEVIN PAFFRATH.
( AS YOUTUBER )
WHAT KIND OF POLICIES DO YOU WANNA SEE ME ENACT?
HIT ME UP IN THE COMMENTS!
LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!
BYEEE!"
PAFFRATH IS A DEMOCRAT, BUT LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A REPUBLICAN
DEBATE, WHICH FEATURED AN INTERESTING MOMENT FOR FORMER
GUBERNATORIAL NOMINEE AND MAN WHO'S SOMEHOW WHITER THAN HIS
SHIRT, JOHN COX.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DEBATE, COX WAS INTERRUPTED:
>> I WANT TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT FIRST TO MY FELLOW--
>> JOHN COX, YOU'VE BEEN SERVED, SAN DIEGO SUPERIOR COURT.
>> Stephen: HE WAS SERVED LEGAL PAPERS WHILE HE WAS DEBATING.
IT'S THE MOST EMBARRASSING DELIVERY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DELIVERY IN A DEBATE SINCE ABRAHAM LINCOLN ORDERED TAKEOUT.
( AS PIZZA DELIVERY GUY )
GOT A PIZZA FOR ABE LINCOLN, AND CRAZY BREAD FOR MARY?"
REALLY?
REALLY!
MARY LINCOLN FANS.
I DIDN'T KNOW.
I'M SORRY.
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS, THE FEDS ARE STILL IN HOT PURSUIT OF THE INSURRECTIONISTS
OF JANUARY 6.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP."
>> THEY'VE DONE INCOW-CULABLE DAMAGE TO DE-MOOOO-CRACY!
>> Stephen: FIRST UP IN THE CORRECTIONAL CORRAL: MICHIGAN
RESIDENT AND ROID-RAGE UNABOMBER, LOGAN BARNHART.
BARNHART WAS CAUGHT ON VIDEO BEATING A CAPITOL POLICEMAN.
BUT IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S BEEN ON CAMERA, BECAUSE HE'S
ALSO APPEARED SHIRTLESS ON THE COVER OF ROMANCE NOVELS.
IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN THE SHAH OF IRAN WAS OVERTHROWN BY FABIO.
INVESTIGATORS WERE HELPED BY BARNHART'S HUGE PRESENCE ONLINE,
WHERE HE POSTS NUMEROUS VIDEOS OF HIMSELF WORKING OUT AND
MODELING ON THE BOOK COVERS OF RAUNCHY NOVELS LIKE "STEPBROTHER
UNSEALED," A BAD BOY MILITARY ROMANCE."
"CRASH AND BURN: A SIN AND TONIC NOVEL."
AND "LIGHTER"-- NAMED AFTER WHAT HE'S GOING TO BEG THE JUDGE TO
MAKE HIS SENTENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NEXT AT THE INSURR-RODEO, CAPITOL RIOTER MICHAEL AARON
CARICO, SEEN HERE MODELING FOR...
CHIQUITA BANANA?
( LAUGHTER )
WITH SEVERAL COUNTS RELATED TO THE RIOT, THANKS TO VIDEO
EVIDENCE OF HIM IN A CROWD SINGING THE WORDS "THE LAND OF
THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE" FROM "THE STAR-SPANGLED
BANNER," THEN LOOKING AT A CAMERA AND SAYING, "HEY
NANCY, GO (BLEEP) YOURSELF."
OKAY, THAT'S AN INTERESTING CHOICE.
NORMALLY, PEOPLE JUST YELL "PLAY BALL!"
BUT TRYING TO OVERTHROW AN ELECTED GOVERNMENT IS JUST
CARICO'S DAY JOB, BECAUSE HE'S ALSO WORKING AS AN ACTOR
WHO EVEN HAS A PAGE ON IMDB.
FOR PEOPLE TRYING TO EVADE THE LAW, IMDB STANDS FOR
"I AM DUMB."
( LAUGHTER )
LATEST ROLE IS BRAD, IN THE UPCOMING FILM, "CHRISTMAS DOWN
UNDER."
MAYBE HE'LL SPEND CHRISTMAS DOWN UNDER, OR MAYBE HE'LL END UP
WITH THE TOP BUNK.
FINALLY ON THE "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP," WE TURN TO
EDUARD FLOREA, SEEN HERE IN A SOCIAL MEDIA POST SPONSORED BY
COCA-COLA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TECHNICALLY--
>> Jon: A REALLY GOOD ONE.
I REALLY LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: TECHNICALLY, FLOREA DIDN'T ACTUALLY GO TO THE
CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6.
HE ENCOURAGED THE RIOTERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
BUT THIS YEAR, EVERYONE'S BEEN WORKING REMOTELY.
( LAUGHTER )
PLED GUILTY FOR MAKING THREATS ONLINE AGAINST GEORGIA SENATOR
RAPHAEL WARNOCK.
BUT HE WASN'T EVEN VERY GOOD AT BEING VERY BAD.
ON THE FAR-RIGHT SITE PARLER, HE POSTED, "WARNOCK IS GOING TO
HAVE A HARD TIME CASTING VOTES FOR COMMUNIST POLICIES WHEN
HE'S SWINGING WITH THE (BLEEP) FISH."
WHICH IS A HORRIBLE THREAT-- AND A HORRIBLE MISQUOTING OF THE
GODFATHER.
( AS DON CORLEONE )
CAN'T REFUSE... " WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS DANIEL RADCLIFFE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )