-You got a bulldog named Tank. -I did. I did.
And here´s a picture Tank.
Adorable. -Oh, she is so sweet.
-And how is life with Tank? You did not have Tank last time
you were here. -I didn´t.
It took me a while to get Tank. -Mm-hmm, ´cause you were -- why?
-I don´t know. I was procrastinating.
-Was it someone else´s dog?
[ Laughter ]
-I was worried.
I was worried about an animal in my home.
-Sure. So -- but I got Tank,
and she´s really -- she´s an odd dog.
I mean, she´s as odd as you would imagine her to be, my dog.
-Why -- oh, your -- because it´s your dog?
-I guess so. I don´t know.
I mean -- I don´t know.
[ Light laughter ]
-That´s true. I wouldn´t expect --
-But she´s very -- she´s very vocal.
-Vocal. Now, a dog -- do you mean they´re barking
a lot? -Yes.
She barks a lot, but she makes --
she makes really weird noises.
-She makes weird noises? -Yeah, I think she --
she´ll be like, she kind of talks a little bit to me.
-You brought a video. Are you gonna --
should we try to hear what you think Tank is saying?
-No. I just -- no. I was seeing where that
was going. No, let´s just watch the --
let´s watch the Tank. -All right.
Let´s hear Tank talking.
[ Dog growling ]
-I love you.
I love you.
[ Dog growls "I love you" ]
[ Audience awws ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Why -- what -- I mean, I feel like --
-Yes, yes, they´re clapping!
-Why?
I feel like you should retire and let --
-I know. -Tank should be the breadwinner.
-I know! I know! -How is Tank not on TV?
He´s the "I love you" dog. -I don´t know, it´s just crazy.
She needs her own YouTube channel or something.
That´s -- that happened. That´s real.
-How do you -- by the way, because -- and I don´t want
to judge you, but I -- like, what made you think that
that would work?
[ Laughter ]
Because I have a dog too, and I never said, "You know,
I´m gonna try to get it to say ´I love you´ back."
But you were in a situation where it worked.
-She -- she makes these noises. -Mm-hmm.
-She makes kind of noises like -- like you heard.
And kind of, if you say a word before it,
it sounds like that´s what she´s saying.
So, if you say, like, "hello," it sounds like she´s saying,
"ewwo."
[ Laughter ]
And there was this time where I was upstairs
and she peed on my friend´s rug. You know, so we put her away.
-Yeah. -And -- and then I left,
you know, but the dog was alone in the room.
And apparently it sounded like she was saying "I´m --
I´m sorry."
My friend was so, like, freaked out.
And she was like, "The dog´s in there going ´I´m sorry!
[ Laughter ] I´m sor-Ry!´"
-You are -- -And she was so flipped out.
And -- anyway. -There are so many things there
that make you the world´s worst house guest.
-Yeah. -You bring your dog.
-I know. -It pisses on a rug.
Then you´re like, "I´m gonna take off.
By the way, she talks." -Oh, I know.
[ Laughter ]
I know. I know. I did get a new rug.
-Oh, that´s very nice. -And I cleaned it.
-Oh, that was -- you -- -It was a small rug.
-That seems like you did two things that are redundant.
-The dog peed. -I feel like, either clean
the rug or got a new one. -Yeah.
-But get a new one and clean one --
-I did both. I tried to.
-Now I take it back. You´re the world´s best
house guest. -Yeah.
Neither one worked very well. -Another thing we --
I gave you a hard time about before, and I want to apologize,
is that you admitted to us that on your acting resumé,
on your headshot, your special skill, you listed
that driving was a special skill.
-I did. -You thought that that would
separate you from the pack ´cause they would say,
"We´re down to two actresses, but only one of them drives."
[ Laughter ]
So, but then -- and I thought that was, you know,
pretty exceptional, that you would think that
that was worth noting. But you also, you had another
time, you wrote, as a special skill,
that you could run long distances.
[ Laughter ]
Is that true? -No.
[ Laughter ]
No. I don´t -- and I was reminded of that.
-It clearly was on there. -Yes.
And I was remind-- -So, you can´t even do it.
-No. -Wow.
-No, I mean -- like most people, I can run short distances,
particularly if I´m uncomfortable or scared.
-Okay. Got it. -You know.
-Again, not a special skill.
[ Laughter ]
Or even -- or even a skill.
-No. I do not know --
-"I run when I´m scared." "Oh, wow.
Did you go to school for that?" -Right.
Yeah. I don´t know. I was -- I just remembered
that backstage, I had -- I can´t remember doing that.
-What kind of part did you think that would be helpful for?
-I don´t know. I mean, I imagine if they were
remaking, like, "Marathon Man" or something like that.
-But even then, I would like to point out,
and you should know this, too. Because in movies,
you don´t have to show all of the running.
You know, you just run a little bit and then
they edit it together and it looks like --
You run a little bit here, and then they cut to you running
somewhere else and as a viewer you go, "Wow,
they ran a long way." But an actor --
[ Laughter ]
-My God. Maybe -- I don´t know what.
I mean, like, that they thought, you know, "She has endurance.
She can go the distance." -Oh, I see.
-She can work long days. We´re not going to make her run,
but she has -- -She has endurance.
[ Light laughter ]
-And obviously, it´s worked. You´ve been very successful.
-I mean, yeah, in some way. -But, because they´re like --
I mean, they´re sort of -- I think it´s just, someone looks
and goes, "Oh." -Maybe that was
in theatre school. Maybe I still was
in theatre school coming up with things that I thought
big Hollywood people would like, like driving and --
long-distance running. -It feels like, then we should
blame your theatre school that didn´t teach you those
weren´t important things.
I think what you wanted them to know was, "Look, I can drive,
but if there isn´t a car, I could also run there."
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
What was I thinking? And also, when --
when did I say that out loud, in public?
Then it was on the Internet, you know what I mean?
-Yeah, ´cause we -- our researchers found in real life.
But you put it there, and then instead of just burying
the memory you then, at some point, admitted it.
-Exactly. -You know, I think you´re,
at your core, a very honest person.
And no matter how much you like to hide things, you eventually
admit that you talked to your dog until it told you
that it loved you.
-I think you´re right. I think there´s some truth
to that. -And -- this is very exciting.
You guys are gonna do a seventh season.
You´re back to work now. -Yes.
-Which is just thrilling. -Yeah.
-And -- we were talking backstage.
Not only is that an incredible accomplishment,
to be on seven years. But, at the very least,
it means you´re gonna come back here for a sixth time.
And I´m just so happy in advance to have you back.
-Oh, what a pleasure.
[ Laughter ]
-I´m sure we´ll have more talking dog videos.
Oh, yeah. by the way, the next time you come,
it´s got to be, like, a full sentence.
-Okay. -I mean, like, I know
"I love you" is a full sentence, but, like, something really --
-Okay, I´ll work on it. -A shopping list.
I want you to say, "I´m going to the grocery store.
Do you need anything?" -Okay.
And I want Tank to say at least four --
"Aluminum foil!"
[ Laughter ]
-Give it up, everybody, for Taylor Schilling!