[ Up-tempo music plays ]
-Hey, everybody.
We referred to Camilla Parker Bowles
as the queen.
She is the queen consort.
"Consort," of course, is British slang
[British accent] for "home-wrecker"!
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Buffalo wings are served with blue cheese,
not ranch dressing,
but they are always eaten with regret.
[ Laughter ]
I said, if the word "comptroller"
was pronounced "controller,"
then "computer" would be pronounced "con-puter."
I blew my own joke.
"Joke." [ Laughter ]
A bunch of you said, "If 'comptrol' is 'control,'
that means the 'M-P' should be pronounced as an 'N,'
which means 'computer' would be con-uter.'"
[ Laughter ]
You guys got it right.
I got it wrong.
What can I say?
I'm an ass-t.
[ Laughter ]
I have an exciting update
about my soon-to-be-produced
Broadway show, "Cicada, Cicada."
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to give anything away,
but the update regards costumes.
[ Laughter ]
You do not use quarters at Dave & Buster's.
You need a card. I think I have one here.
There we go. [ Laughter ]
[ Sniffles ]
[ Sighs ]
I pronounced the toilet paper brand
Charmin "Charr-min"
in "You're Burnt,"
which led some of you to the conclusion
that I don't use Charmin.
I must use an even-fancier toilet paper.
How dare you?
[ Laughter ]
Toi-- Toilet paper.
I got a bidet filled with cham-pagne.
[ Laughter ]
[ Blows ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
I was told popes can't have kids because they're celibate.
I didn't know that.
Also, do they know that?
[ Laughter ]
I'm trying to start a...
"Oc-TAG-o-nal," not "oc-ta-GON-al."
The guy in the clip said it wrong,
and then I said it wrong, and I'm not going to
wear that one. Okay?
[ Laughter ]
We said,
you know, there was Super Bowl ads for Jesus.
And we said Jesus didn't need a Super Bowl commercial,
because, you know, He doesn't need marketing.
He did one sermon 2,000 years ago,
and people are still talking about Him.
We were referring to the Sermon on the Mount.
He also did a Sermon on the Plain,
which we hear about way less because, I guess, it was
just, like, a terrible sound system.
[ Laughter ]
Like, everyone in the back was like...
[ Laughter ]
They had to do a -- I guess there were, like,
a ton of refunds.
Don't get me wrong.
There are still people out there --
you know the kind of fans -- they were like,
"No, the Sermon on the Plain is the best one."
And they're like, "Oh, the --" You know?
[ Laughter ] Bandwagon people.
"They'll sell you on Mount, but Plain..."
It's like people who think, like, "Nebraska"
is Springsteen's best album.
Good album, but...
"Play 'Mansion on the Hill'!"
You know those people at concerts?
Like, "Dude, he's not gonna."
Uh...
we said Herschel Walker was famous
for thinking vampires were cool.
A lot of you said he was famous for playing football.
And I was like, "Oh, it was that Herschel Walker?"
[ Laughter ]
Explains a lot.
Oh! [ Laughter ]
Not this week, but last week,
we said, Mike Lindell is so loud,
you can hear his voice inside a seashell.
When we took out something, we called it a seashell.
It was not -- I was corrected -- it was a conch.
And, um... [ Laughter ]
Hollywood, though,
knows a hit when they see one.
And, uh, we got clearance
from the studio
to make a big announcement about a children's film.
Everybody should keep their eye out for...
"Lindell, the Shell With Boots On."
[ Laughter ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughter ]
I said you should never drink your own urine in the desert.
I should have clarified.
It's totally fine to drink someone else's.
[ Laughter ]
So never drink your-in, but you can drink their-in.
[ Laughter ]
There's a Joycean amount of wordplay on this show.
[ Laughter ]
Joyce is our receptionist.
[ Laughter ]
She's a lot.
"Hey, Seth, how much does a pirate pay for corn?"
"Not now, Joyce. Just not now."
"A buccaneer."
[ Laughter ]
"Do I have any calls?
Did I have any calls today, Joyce?"
"Oh, it looks like I knocked the receiver off."
[ Laughter ]
"Shucks.
That's what the pirate said
when he couldn't afford the corn."
[ Laughter ]
I swear, it's lucky you're Lorne's mistress, Joyce."
Joking. I'm joking.
I got to say I'm joking,
'cause these go online at, like, 1:00 a.m.
Usually get my first text from Lorne
about his favorite parts at, like, 1:15.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
"I thought Nebraska should have gotten more."
[ Laughter ]
[ Blows ]
I had a cold last week, and someone suggested,
when I have a cold, Wally should fill in,
adding, "You're not getting any younger.
It would be good to have someone else with experience
should something happen to you."
Good point.
If I move on, no one better
to jump-start the youth movement than Wally.
[ Laughter ]
Wally is very -- very healthy, it should be noted.
Probably from, like, making a fortune
doing this all day. [ Laughter ]
He told me, his last physical, his doctor said
he had the stamina of a man half his age
and the rotator cuff of a thousand-year-old.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Wally,
I did not give credit where credit was due.
We talked about this piece of art,
where the joke was that Mac Tonight
had impregnated my wife. And I didn't notice
that Wally's in the back of this photo,
holding up a cue card that says, "Mac Roolz."
-[ Chuckles ]
-Also, someone wrote in the comments,
"Seth's wife is hot."
Very nice. True.
Couldn't leave it at that, though.
The jackals.
The joke that completely ruined the sentiment
with the next thing they wrote, and it was only one word.
They wrote one word that completely ruined my high
from "Seth's wife is hot."
Want to guess what the one word was?
"Why?" [ Laughter ]
[ Blows ]
[ Laughter ]
We've received
a lot of really incredible Mac Tonight fan art,
to the point that if you were working on something at home,
I'm pretty sure you'd want it to be very good
before you sent it in.
We've seen some real craftsmanship thus far.
On the other hand,
maybe like, "I'll mail it."
[ Laughter ]
Made me so happy.
I want to thank whoever sent that in.
Oh, we, um -- "A Closer Look,"
we had two jokes about Joe Biden quoting Taylor Swift lyrics,
and a lot of people were upset
that we did not follow the rule of threes,
the age-old rule in comedy
that you should call back something twice
to make it a total of three.
And someone said, "The rule of twos --
you should try to bring the rule of twos into fashion."
And they made me this.
This is a 2-inch rule. That's the rule of twos.
[ Laughter ]
I'm going to put that over here.
Rule of threes, for example --
we've done that...
severed doll-head thing three times.
So that's over.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sniffles ]
A gentleman named Mark sent me a wedding invitation.
He's marrying, uh,
who, he made it sound, a beautiful woman named Jessica,
who, um, is a real fan of "Corrections."
He said, "Look, I know you can't make it to my wedding.
It would be really nice. It'd mean a lot to her
if you would mention us on air."
And I will say, a few too many times,
he said things like,
"She thinks you're a comedic genius."
And then, in parentheses, he'd write,
"Her words, not mine."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I -- I, uh, stumbled on Bill Clinton's name.
A lot of people thought I said "Bill Kitten."
[ Laughter ]
Remember our short-lived animated show on Hulu?
"Bill Kitten"?
It wasn't -- It had a moment.
[ Laughter ]
"I did not put my claws on that ottoman."
[ Laughter ]
Pretty good segue to "Animal Flubs," guys.
[ Laughter ]
Probably should have cut "Bill Kitten,"
but it was the segue.
[ Sniffles ]
Can't just do "Animal Flubs" cold.
[ Laughter ]
Before we get to "Animal Flubs," this is very embarrassing.
There was a flub in the opening song,
and that's just -- to have a flub in a song
that's all about addressing flubs,
well, you can't stand for that.
In the -- In the song, the animals spell out "flubs,"
and the eagle says the letter "B."
And a bunch of you said, "An eagle doesn't have lips
and couldn't make a 'B' sound."
And it was just so gutting to read,
'cause the rest of it holds up.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, we went back in the studio, we rerecorded it.
See if you can tell the difference.
-♪ Animal Flubs, Animal Flubs ♪
♪ It's time to take a look at some Animal Flubs ♪
♪ From the birds to the bees to the baby bear cubs ♪
♪ It's time for Animal Flubs ♪
-F...
-L...
-U...
-Aaah!
-S.
♪ Are the five letters ♪
♪ You use ♪
♪ To spell "flubs" ♪
♪ Animal Flubs? ♪
[ Laughter ]
Cut it down a little, too. A lot of you said
you like the long version, but like two or three people
said they hated it. And you know,
"Corrections" has never been about making people happy.
It's always been kowtowing to the miserable joy-eaters.
[ Laughter ]
It was time for "Animal Flubs." You heard 'em.
Baby koalas are called joeys, which is dumb.
I mean, Australia, why you got to name --
You got two famous animals, kangaroos and koalas,
and both their babies are called joeys.
Come on.
That would be like someone saying,
"We should give Superman a sidekick."
"Great idea. What will we call him?"
"Robin." [ Laughter ]
I'm given up on the pronunciation of "emu."
Just don't think it's gonna happen.
I'm gonna call it an Australian ostrich.
A.K.A. "ostrich."
That doesn't work.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh, whales aren't --
Orcas aren't whales. They're dolphins.
A lot of people make that mistake
'cause they're known as killer whales.
They should be called whale killers.
Ancient sailors gave them that name
because they would see them sort of hunting
and preying on larger whales. And when I was a kid,
I wished they'd call them whale killers,
because at least you know then
who their victims are supposed to be.
And with killer whales, you don't.
If they'd been whale killers, I wouldn't have
[Bleep] my pants every time I went to SeaWorld.
[ Laughter ]
This has been "Animal Flubs."
-♪ Animal Flubs ♪
-Oh. Oh, God.
Oh, God, no.
-What's wrong, Koala?
-Somebody do something.
-Aah. Aaah.
-[ Screams ] -Seven days.
[ Laughter ]
That's the end of it.
Oh, wait, where'd I go?
Oh, there I am.
Okay, uh, last but not least, "Cicada, Cicada" news.
Good news first.
We got the prototype for the cicada's headpiece.
It looks excellent.
Bad news.
It's, like, super [Bleep] hot.
[ Laughter ]