- Right now I'm in a great relationship,
I have a wonderful boyfriend.
Before that I was single, 'cause that's how that works.
And that was awful, 'cause dating is stupid as hell.
It's dumb as hell all across the boards,
especially now with modern dating, we have the apps.
Like I tried Tinder, 'cause I've always wanted to date
the ugliest person in a group photo.
We know which one you are, okay?
- Now I'm just like, I'm very sexually conservative
as a person and nobody's really like that anymore.
Like everybody meets on apps.
You talk to anyone in their twenties like, where'd you meet?
They're like, well we met on this app.
It's called Just the Nips, hear me out, like.
It's always something horrifying.
And I don't know if you guys have tried
to get a 20 something dude from a dating app
to wear a condom lately, but it's sort of like
trying to convince a five year old to put a jacket on
over his Halloween costume.
Here put this on for me.
No!
You're gonna ruin it!
You can't even see it!
- But years ago I made the mistake of signing up for Tinder
and what a confidence killer that shit has been.
Wow, holy shit.
That app should be called Reality Check
is what it should be called. When you download it today,
if you are not hot, get the hell outta here.
This is not for you.
I hated the whole experience.
I signed up for that app fresh out of a relationship
which is the worst time to upload photos
of your fat fuckin' face to the internet
and just lie about yourself in a bio
hoping someone will fall for it.
I was addicted to the app. I was addicted to swiping.
Everywhere I was going,
I was just swiping and swiping,
at one point I was just like, wow,
I am looking for my soulmate while I'm taking a shit.
The future is now. This is true love.
It's crazy.
Zero matches too.
And I was like swiping,
and the worst part is like when Tinder stops you
from swiping, that's the worst feeling.
That's like Tinder saying like,
"Hey man, we're fuckin' working on it.
All right, holy shit. Go for a walk.
Help us out.
We had to fly in specialists for this account.
We've never had to do that before."
Hated it, and all the women on Tinder,
I've never met anybody like that in my real life.
Like if I knew I was gonna be on Tinder years ago
I would've started rock climbing,
I would've started kayaking,
or meditating on a cliff somewhere.
That's all I see, like I've lived in Austin for 10 years
and I have never seen a cliff.
All right, but these women are finding them
and they are meditating on them with their dogs and shit.
It's crazy.
And my profile's nothing to write home about either,
all my photos are like clear selfies of me
at home, chilling on a bean bag,
Cheeto dust all over my face.
Bio just says, I love my dog. I love weed. I love Cheetos.
It is what it is, let's fuck.
That's just all I have on that bio.
And again, zero matches.
- I'm alive and in my twenties, which is really
just an elaborate way of saying I'm on Tinder.
Tinder you know this cool dating app where you can,
where people who are just looking for casual sex
can meet up with people who are looking
for serious long-term relationships.
I like it, if you're not familiar,
it's this very superficial app for your phone
where you just swipe through pictures of other real people
with hopes and feelings and dreams
and you reject them based on absolutely nothing.
Feels really good.
It's cool, it's not like any website,
you know, there's very little reading involved.
You're not constantly second guessing yourself.
Like, well they're not really my type
but we both love adventure, you know?
Instead you're just like, "Weird hat, see ya in hell."
You can have a little like tagline about yourself on there.
Most people don't bother, they just do all pictures.
They're like either you want it or you don't, you know?
Which is my strategy, but.
I saw somebody recently, their tagline was,
"You can't take me anywhere, but I'm going places."
You know that's,
that is really one way to live your life.
I think I'm going places is a good attitude to have,
you need that to motivate you in life or whatever.
But I think it's just a level of confidence
that I am not familiar with.
You know, I wanna meet somebody who's more like me,
who's like, hi! Shit...
I'm Chris, uh, I'm sorry? I don't know. I'm gonna go.
I tried, you know, I did my best. Shut up.
- My problem with dating is like,
you have to show up and be fun?
It's like, what are you a king?
You should just be glad that I'm real.
It's just a lot to ask.
And you know, I've tried internet dating, that's big now.
I've tried a couple sites. I've tried Match.
I've tried "OkCuppid."
I spend a good month on Yelp.
You know, like I feel like I've gone the distance,
but I even had to think outside of the box this past year
like I got asked out over Facebook,
which in and of itself isn't that interesting.
But the thing is, it was someone I didn't know.
And they sent me a message,
they were just like, oh, I saw you do stand up at a show.
I thought you were really funny, let's go out.
And normally I would be like, no,
but I was at a vulnerable point in my life.
And I was also like, you know what? He didn't even ask.
He just decided like, I respect that decisiveness in a man.
And it's also like, what is that expression?
YODO? You know, You Only Date Occasionally.
So you have to take the opportunities
when they present themselves.
The one thing that was weird about him right off the bat
was that his profile picture was just a Santa emoji.
I know, it's the right reaction.
It's like right away there's a slight chance
he doesn't have a face
or that his face is in fact a Santa emoji.
And it's like, you know, I'm open-minded
but it's gonna be a discussion eventually.
So I had my friend Google him
and she was like, no, he checks out.
He has a face, you're good to go.
Yeah, I don't like to Google people before the first date.
I'm kind of old fashioned.
I feel like some things you should save for marriage.
But she was like, no, he checks out, go on the date.
So we made plans.
I believe I picked the place.
Like I tried to pick a bar where it was like,
if I go missing people would be like,
at least she had a good time before she left.
Yeah, at least four stars.
So we met up and first impressions I have to say were great.
He was tall, he smelled good, he had a face, triple threat.
Everything matched up, and then we sat down,
he bought us drinks, we started talking,
and then one of the first things he said
where it was just like, red flag meter alerted.
One of the first things that of his mouth,
he's just like, something you should know about me,
I'm really big on honesty, I just like telling it how it is.
It's like, okay, who opens with that as a human?
Who like right outta the gate is just like,
listen, you're gonna hear some stuff.
And it's also like, honesty on a first date? No, thanks.
Like call me old fashioned,
but I feel like dating is like health insurance.
Like you wait until you're accepted in as a member
before you start revealing all your preexisting conditions.
Yes, feel free.
Like, it feels like, you wait until year five
before you're like, oh, by the way
I have diabetes and another family, happy anniversary!
- They made it harder, I think like the dating websites
made it harder for how we communicate.
'Cause you go on first date and I was like,
what kind of music do you like?
But it doesn't really matter, right?
You can coexist with someone
that has different musical tastes.
This is my new first date question,
this is what I ask on every first date.
How likely are you to yell at me in public?
That one's gonna come in handy.
You don't wanna be in that relationship eight months in
and you're getting screamed in from the strangers.
Like it's cool, we both like Chance the Rapper.
- So for me, dating is like directly an online experience.
Just kind of fresh, direct style, straight to the point,
(bleep) no browsing and like dating online these days
post you've got mail, I feel like everyone dabbles.
Whatever it's safe, or well, okay.
And like you walk these social situations
and all you know about each other is what you've been like
willing to publish about yourselves online,
which I think we can all agree is never true.
Like I know it's rude, but if you did pull out your phone
right now and looked me up on Facebook,
it probably says that I like a couple books, but.
You guys, I don't like any books. Any books!
- Now, I don't want you guys leaving here thinking
I hate men, I want you leaving here knowing it for sure.
I don't, usually feel like I need to justify that further
but you read the news, you get it.
But the truth is, I actually, I feel like I escaped
from online dating relatively unscathed
compared to other people, you know?
Like I never got harassed, I never got assaulted,
only one guy I went out with ended up being a DJ, like.
I know you guys believe me,
but sometimes there are people who don't.
And so I always feel the need to back up what I'm saying
with some evidence.
So I did bring a little bit of an exhibit A,
just in case you were wondering
what we're really up against out there.
I'm gonna read to you a real message
that I got on the dating website, OkCupid.
Yeah, the women know it's coming.
I'm not gonna preface it because I don't know how to.
I'm just going to tell you that this is real.
I know I have to say that
because people have come up to me after shows and been like,
oh my God, how did you come up with that?
Nah.
I wish this didn't happen to me.
This is a real message that a human being sent to me,
another human being, on the dating website OkCupid.
"Hello, ma'am."
Okay, so I feel like, I feel like we're all in agreement
about that being, like a rough start, yeah?
It's somehow both polite and so rude.
"Hello, ma'am. Great pics, I love it.
Can I be your errand boy or human dog?
I am good with content writing, designing basic websites,
doing a bit of photography, video editing,
house cleaning, doing errands, light cooking,
and I am also fine with racial humiliation, et cetera."
Okay, so I don't know about you guys, but for me personally
racial humiliation is the only item on that list
where I don't know what an et cetera means after it.
And it's the only one that got one.
He could have put that "et cetera"
anywhere else in that paragraph, I would've been fine.
"Designing basic websites, et cetera."
Okay, he knows HTML, maybe a little bit of Photoshop,
I get that.
But racial humili-- by the way,
I'm not okay with racial humiliation.
There is no way I'm cool with the et cetera
that comes after it.
Unless it stands for apologizing for the racial humiliation.
I don't like the way he phrased that either,
"I am also fine with racial humiliation,"
like I brought it up.
Like that's my deal breaker we're negotiating on.
I'd also just like to point out,
none of these are things a human dog would do.
Right, he promised me human dog,
why is he offering to write me content?
He should drink out of a bowl with this tongue,
that's all I'm saying.
The next paragraph is just a marvel of the English language.
"I have lived in LA for two years
but now I am back and want to move back to LA."
Where do you live, bro?
I mean, I know it's a van, but where is it parked?
"I can probably get a job."
Women love confidence, he knows this.
"I can probably get a job
and you can control my paychecks and money.
Please consider, GK."
So I wrote him back.
What am I not gonna write him back?
Do you guys wanna hear what I wrote him back?
(crowd cheering)
Okay.
"Hey man, I'm in."