>> Stephen: HEY!
LOOK AT YOU OVER THERE AND ME IN HERE DOING THIS THING.
WHO'S BETTER THAN US?
NOBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED TONIGHT, A LITTLE HOUSEKEEPING NOTE:
STAY BACK!
THE GASOLINE IS MINE!
IF YOU WANT IT, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT ME!
OR BARTER.
I'LL ACCEPT GOLD, SHEEP, OR FEMALES.
OR FEMALE SHEEP.
BECAUSE AMERICA IS IN THE GRIP OF AN OLD-FASHIONED,
POST-APOCALYPTIC GAS PANIC!
PEOPLE ARE LINING UP ALL OVER THE EAST COAST TO FILL THEIR
TANKS WITH THE SWEET GO-GO-JUICE!
LET'S BE CLEAR, THE UNITED STATES HAS A LOT OF GAS.
ALL OF THIS STEMS FROM FRIDAY'S CYBERATTACK THAT DISABLED THE
COLONIAL FUEL PIPELINE, LEADING TO TEMPORARY SHORTAGES AND
MORE THAN 10,000 CLOSED GAS STATIONS.
EVEN WORSE, IT MADE TESLA OWNERS EVEN MORE INSUFFERABLE.
"I ONLY GO TO THE GAS STATION FOR WIPER FLUID."
( LAUGHTER )
PUMPS ARE NOW RUNNING DRY.
IN NORTH CAROLINA ALONE, 65% OF GAS STATIONS ARE WITHOUT FUEL.
BUT THEY STILL HAVE PLENTY OF HOT DOGS GOIN' ON THAT LITTLE
ROLLER RIDE, LAST-MINUTE CAMPING JERKY, AND PENIS PILLS
CALLED "TIGER STALLION THUNDER FORCE "X" FOR HIM."
AGAIN, AMERICA ISN'T RUNNING OUT OF GAS.
THERE'S JUST A SUPPLY CHAIN DELAY.
BUT IF THE PANDEMIC PROVED ANYTHING, IT'S THAT AMERICANS
ARE BORED OUT OF THEIR GOURD AND READY TO HOARD.
LOOK AT THIS ALABAMA COUPLE WHO WENT VIRAL YESTERDAY FOR
BIGGIE SIZING THEIR GAS ORDER.
THAT IS INSANE.
YOU HAVE STACK VERTICALLY, OR ELSE IS WILL TIP OVER, IT WILL
DRIP, THE INTERIOR WILL GET GAS ON IT BEFORE THE ENTIRE THING
BLOWS UP.
IT'S THE PIPELINE IS OVER AND JOKES RIGHT UNDER THE WIRE.
PEOPLE ARE GOING SO GAS CRAZY THAT THEY'LL PUT IT IN ANY
CONTAINER THEY CAN FIND, WHICH IS WHY THE U.S. CONSUMER PRODUCT
SAFETY COMMISSION HAD TO TWEET, "DO NOT FILL PLASTIC BAGS WITH
GASOLINE."
OF COURSE NOT.
BE ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS, AND USE A TOTE BAG.
GAS ISN'T THE ONLY PRECIOUS AMERICAN FLUID THAT'S HARD TO
GET, BECAUSE CHICK-FIL-A IS FACING A SAUCE SHORTAGE.
THAT IS TERRIBLE.
NOW IF CUSTOMERS WANT DIPPING SAUCE WITH AN ANTI-GAY
MARRIAGE AGENDA, THEY'LL HAVE TO GO TO BIG JOHN'S HETERO BEEF
HUT.
DIP YOUR BEEF.
ANYONE WHO'S BEEN TO CHICK-FIL-A KNOWS IT'S ALL ABOUT THEIR
LITTLE PLASTIC TUBS OF FLAVOR GOOP.
THEY GOT THE GARDEN HERB RANCH, THEIR ZESTY BUFFALO, THEIR
POLYNESIAN BREEZE, THEIR FIJI MOUNTAIN MIST, THEIR BLAZIN'
BLAST RADIUS, AND THEIR HIGH-ENDURANCE AQUA REEF.
I FORGET WHICH OF THOSE ARE SAUCES AND WHICH OF THOSE ARE
DEODORANTS.
BUT THEY ALL MAKE THAT CHICKEN SING!
TO MAINTAIN SUPPLY, CHICK-FIL-A IS ONLY GIVING CUSTOMERS ONE
DIPPING SAUCE PER ITEM.
OKAY, BUT I'M SURE AMERICANS WILL TAKE A REASONABLE APPROACH
TO-- OH, GOD!
THEY'RE BACK!
EVEN WORSE, THERE MAY NOT BE ENOUGH CHICKEN TO SAUCIFY,
BECAUSE AMERICA IS ALSO IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHICKEN
SHORTAGE.
STAY BACK!
THE CHICKEN IS MINE!
SHE IS MY BRIDE, AND TOGETHER, WE SHALL RULE THE LAND OF MILK
AND HONEY MUSTARD!
( LAUGHTER )
HACKERS DISRUPTED THE NUGGET PIPELINE.
NO, CHICKEN MANUFACTURER TYSON BLAMES UNDERPERFORMING ROOSTERS.
GIVE THE ROOSTERS A BREAK. IT'S THE PANDEMIC.
AFTER A LONG DAY OF PECKING OVER ZOOM, THEY JUST WANT TO THROW ON
SOME SWEATPANTS, OPEN A BOTTLE OF WINE, AND WATCH "GIRLS5EVA."
ACCORDING TO A TYSON REP, THINGS SHOULD GET BETTER SOON, BECAUSE,
"WE'RE CHANGING OUT ONE TYPE OF MALE THAT, QUITE FRANKLY, WE
MADE A BAD DECISION ON."
"HIS PROFILE SAID HE WAS LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME, BUT THAT "GOOD
TIME" JUST TURNED OUT TO BE LIGHT CUDDLING.
FELLAS, THAT'S A COCK-A-DOODLE-DON'T."
ONE THING THAT THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF: REPUBLICAN DISLIKE
FOR: WYOMING REPRESENTATIVE AND WOMAN AT CHURCH BAKE SALE
WATCHING HER RIVAL WIN "BEST IN BUNDT," LIZ CHENEY.
FOR THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS, CHENEY HAS ANGERED CONSERVATIVES
BY DENYING THAT THERE WAS ANY ELECTION FRAUD AND
CONDEMNING THE CAPITOL RIOT.
WELL, TODAY, THE PARTY OF LINCOLN AND THE MYPILLOW GUY
STRUCK BACK, OUSTING HER FROM G.O.P. LEADERSHIP IN THE HOUSE.
THEY HAD TO!
YEAH, SHE WAS A LOOSE CANNON.
THEY MADE HER TURN IN HER BADGE AND HER GUN, AND HER OTHER GUN,
AND HER OTHER, OTHER GUN.
THEY REALLY LIKE GUNS.
CHENEY WAS OUSTED VIA VOICE VOTE DURING A CLOSED-DOOR MEETING.
SO WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, BUT SOURCES IN THE
ROOM SAY SHE MADE A DEFIANT FINAL SPEECH THAT DREW BOOS FROM
HER COLLEAGUES.
BUT TO BE FAIR, MATT GAETZ BOOS ANY WOMAN NOT WEARING BRACES.
IN RESPONSE TO A TWEET ABOUT CHENEY'S OUSTER, MONTANA
CONGRESSMAN MATT ROSENDALE-- AND I SWEAR THIS IS REAL-- TWEETED A
PICTURE OF BUSH'S FAMOUS "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" BANNER.
WHICH MEANS LIZ CHENEY WILL ONLY BE IN POWER FOR SEVEN MORE
YEARS.
CHENEY HAS BEEN OUTSPOKEN IN HER CRITICISM OF FORMER PRESIDENT,
"A MAN FOR ALL TREASONS," AND HIS BIG LIE THAT THE 2020
ELECTION WAS STOLEN BY DIGITAL DEMOCRATIC CHINESE HUGO CHAVEZ
ZOMBIES.
BUT THE REAL PROBLEM FOR G.O.P.
LEADERS IS THAT CENEY KEPT INCONVENIENTLY BRINGING UP THE
ATTEMPTED COUP, AND THAT ANGERED HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN
WHO CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE WALKED UP TO THE PODIUM FOR,
KEVIN McCARTHY.
ON MONDAY, McCARTHY WROTE AN ANTI-CHENEY LETTER TO HIS
COLLEAGUES, EXPLAINING, "UNFORTUNATELY, EACH DAY SPENT
RELITIGATING THE PAST IS ONE DAY LESS WE HAVE TO SEIZE THE
FUTURE.
THIS IS NO TIME TO TAKE OUR EYE OFF THE BALL."
AND McCARTHY KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE HIS BALLS ARE-- IN A JAR AT
MAR-A-LAGO.
HE WENT ON TO SAY ABOUT THE G.O.P., "WE REPRESENT AMERICANS
OF ALL BACKGROUNDS AND CONTINUE TO GROW OUR MOVEMENT BY THE
DAY.
AND UNLIKE THE LEFT, WE EMBRACE FREE THOUGHT AND DEBATE."
YES, NOT ONLY DO THEY EMBRACE FREE THOUGHT.
THEY HUG IT TIGHTLY AND JUST KEEP SQUEEZING TIGHTER EVERY
TIME IT LETS A BREATH OUT, UNTIL YOU SEE THE LIGHT GO OUT OF ITS
EYES, AND THEN IT JUST GOES LIMP WITH FREEDOM.
McCARTHY ADDED, "WE ARE A BIG TENT PARTY."
OH, IT'S A BIG TENT ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S ROOM FOR QANONS, PIZZA- GATERS, PEOPLE AFRAID OF JEWISH
SPACE LASERS.
EVERYONE'S WELCOME.
EXCEPT LIZ CHENEY.
AND GAY PEOPLE.
AND ASIAN PEOPLE.
AND BLACK PEOPLE.
BUT THEY'RE GONNA GIVE THEM A "SEPARATE BUT EQUAL" BIG TENT.
AFTER THE VOTE THIS MORNING, CHENEY WAS DEFIANT.
>> I WILL DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO ENSURE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT
NEVER AGAIN GETS ANYWHERE NEAR THE OVAL OFFICE.
>> Stephen: AND SHE'S SERIOUS ABOUT IT.
TODAY SHE WAS SEEN BLOCKING THE DOOR TO THE OVAL OFFICE WITH A
WALL OF SALAD.
AND REMEMBER, SHE SAID SHE'LL DO ANYTHING.
AND SHE'S A CHENEY.
YOU'VE HEARD OF AN ANGRY SON OF A BITCH?
SHE'S A PISSED OFF DAUGHTER OF A DICK.
HER PRINCIPLE POLITICAL PATRON IS A MAN WHO WAS COMPARED TO
DARTH VADER AND TOOK IT AS A COMPLIMENT.
SHE LEARNED WASHINGTON INFIGHTING FROM A MAN WHO LIVED
A YEAR WITH NO HEARTBEAT.
IF I WERE KEVIN McCARTHY, I'D GROW A BEARD AND DIG A SPIDER
HOLE.
WE GOT A PREVIEW OF CHENEY'S DEFIANCE LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE
GAVE A BLUNT AND IMPASSIONED SPEECH ON THE FLOOR OF THE
HOUSE.
AND KEEP IN MIND, HER ADDRESS CAME RIGHT AFTER THE FREEDOM
CAUCUS GAVE A SERIES OF SPEECHES ON THE HOUSE FLOOR RAILING
AGAINST WHAT THEY CALL CANCEL CULTURE.
RAILING AGAINST CANCEL CULTURE RIGHT BEFORE YOU CANCEL SOMEONE
FOR HOLDING A DIFFERENT OPINION IS LIKE SHOOTING A "JUST SAY NO"
COMMERCIAL AND THEN CELEBRATING BY DOING A LINE OF COKE OFF
NANCY REAGAN'S ASS.
( LAUGHTER )
REPORTEDLY, IF THE G.O.P.
DOESN'T AGREE TO CERTAIN CHANGES, TOMORROW "MORE THAN 100
REPUBLICANS, INCLUDING SOME FORMER ELECTED OFFICIALS, ARE
PREPARING TO RELEASE A LETTER THREATENING TO FORM A THIRD
PARTY."
THE LETTER IS BEING ORGANIZED BY FORMER HOMELAND SECURITY
OFFICIAL AND TEEN EAGER TO MAN-SCAPE AS SOON AS THE FIRST
HAIR APPEARS, MILES TAYLOR.
>> THE MESSAGE THAT I WOULD SEND TO KEVIN McCARTHY RIGHT NOW IS
IF HE THINKS OUSTING LIZ CHENEY FROM THE G.O.P. MEANS AN END TO
THE CIVIL WAR IN THE G.O.P., MY MESSAGE TO HIM IS THE CIVIL WAR
WITHIN THE G.O.P. IS NOT ENDING TODAY.
IT IS JUST BEGINNING.
>> Stephen: YES, THERE'S A CIVIL AND IT'S JUST BEGINNING AND THIS
TIME, BOTH SIDES WANT THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.
AFTER THE VOTE, McCARTHY DENIED THAT THE G.O.P. CANNED CHENEY
OVER THE ELECTION.
>> I DON'T THINK ANYBODY IS QUESTIONING THE LEGITIMACY OF
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
I THINK THAT IS ALL OVER WITH.
>> Stephen: YES, NO ONE IS QUESTIONING THE LEGITIMACY OF
THE LAST ELECTION, EXCEPT EVERYONE McCARTHY WORKS WITH,
BECAUSE TODAY, CONGRESS ALSO HELD HEARINGS ON THE CAPITOL
RIOT, AND HOUSE REPUBLICANS WENT BAT GUANO CRAZY.
TAKE GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN AND STAR OF "ERNEST GOES TO THE
GAP," ANDREW CLYDE.
CLYDE, WHO WAS IN THE ROOM ON JANUARY 6 AS THE MOB ATTACKED,
CLAIMED THE WHOLE THING LOOKED HARMLESS FROM A DISTANCE.
>> WATCHING THE TV FOOTAGE OF THOSE WHO ENTERED THE CAPITOL
AND WALKED THROUGH STATUARY HALL SHOWED PEOPLE IN AN ORDERLY
FASHION STAYING BETWEEN THE STANCHIONS AND ROPES, TAKING
VIDEOS AND PICTURES.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE TV FOOTAGE WAS A VIDEO FROM
JANUARY THE 6TH, YOU WOULD ACTUALLY THINK IT WAS A NORMAL
TOURIST VISIT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, IF THAT TV FOOTAGE WASN'T OF A MEMBER OF
CONGRESS, YOU'D ACTUALY THINK CLYDE WAS THE UNWANTED CHILD OF
HIS MOTHER AND A FRESH TURD.
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF VACATIONS DO YOU GO ON, CLYDE?
WHEN I GO TO DISNEY, I RARELY SEE MICKEY GETTING BLUDGEONED
WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
THEN CLYDE TOLD AMERICA THE THING WE SAW WASN'T THE THING
WE SAW.
>> THIS IS THE TRUTH: THERE WAS AN UNDISCIPLINED MOB.
THERE WERE SOME RIOTERS AND SOME WHO COMMITTED ACTS OF VANDALISM,
BUT LET ME BE CLEAR, THERE WAS NO INSURRECTION.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A SITTING MEMBER OF CONGRESS IN SESSION,
RE-DEFINING INSURRECTION OUT OF EXISTENCE!
YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY, "YES, ON TUESDAY, THERE WAS SOME
TORTILLAS, GROUND BEEF, LETTUCE, TOMATO, AND CHEESE.
BUT LET'S BE CLEAR: THERE WAS NO TACO NIGHT."
HE CLYDED ON.
>> AS ONE OF THE MEMBERS WHO STAYED IN THE CAPITOL AND ON THE
HOUSE FLOOR, WHO WITH OTHER REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES HELPED
BARRICADE THE DOOR UNTIL ALMOST 3:00 P.M. THAT DAY FROM THE MOB
WHO TRIED TO ENTER, I CAN TELL YOU THE HOUSE FLOOR WAS NEVER
BREACHED, AND IT WAS NOT AN INSURRECTION.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU BARRICADED DAMN THE DOOR!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, AS THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE AXE
AWAY FROM THE ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT, I CAN TELL YOU, THERE
WAS NO MURDER.
WHAT, NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY 'ATTEMPTED MURDER' IS SOME KIND
OF CRIME."
NOT TO BE OUT-DUMBED, WE ALSO HEARD FROM SOUTH CAROLINA
REPRESENTATIVE AND ALIEN WHO BOUGHT THE FIRST CLOTHES HE SAW
IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE, RALPH NORMAN.
NORMAN DOESN'T BUY THE OFFICIAL VERSION OF EVENTS.
>> WHEN I SEE THIS SHEET AND ON THE TIMELINE, AND ON THE-- LET'S
SEE.
OKAY, AT 2:07, A MOB OF TRUMP SUPPORTERS BREACHED THE STEPS.
I DON'T KNOW WHO DID A POLL THAT IT'S TRUMP SUPPORTERS.
>> Stephen: OH, THERE WERE PLENTY OF POLES, AND THEY ALL
HAD HIS FLAGS ON THEM.
ALSO, LITTLE AWKWARD THAT THEY'RE ALL WEARING THE SAME
HAT.
EVEN MORE AWKWARD, SOON THEY'LL ALL BE WEARING THE SAME
JUMPSUIT.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN, AND FROM CBS'
"SEAL TEAM," DAVID BOREANEZ.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪