[MUSIC PLAYING]
From a few weeks ago, when Americans took a break
from drinking in despair to drinking in celebration when
the Chicago Cubs broke the curse of the Billy
Goat to win their first World Series title in 108 years.
During game 7, I was at Wrigley Field
to celebrate the one fucking good thing to happen this year.
Take a look.
Tonight, there will be insane levels of beer
drinking and fatty food eating.
It's a special occasion Midwesterners call Wednesday.
Do you guys like baseball movies?
You ever see Eight Men Out?
He saw Eight Men Out.
That's the best movie ever.
It's set right here in Chicago during a World Series,
and it's called Eight Men Out, which is not just
the name of the movie, it's also what the guy had to do to get
the World Series tickets.
He ate men out.
Did you ever think that you would see
the Cubs win a World Series?
No!
You know why?
Because diabetes makes people go blind.
Because he's overweight.
Everyone!
How about that grand slam last night?
Oh, it was beautiful!
History in the making.
He hit it so hard!
I've never seen an athlete hit something so
hard without marrying it first.
Right?
She knows what I'm talking about.
Listen to me, one day you guys are
going to share this with your grandchildren,
or whoever you take to your AA meeting.
I'm standing in front of Chicago's statue
to the late Kim Jong Il.
I kid.
It's Harry Caray, legendary sportscaster.
Do you miss Harry?
I miss him a lot.
I wonder where he is tonight.
No, the truth is, nobody knows where Harry Caray is exactly,
right now, but in Chicago one thing is certain,
next week he'll be voting.
It's a quirky town.
A really quirky town.
You're rooting for the Cubs, right?
I'm rooting for the Cubs!
You hate the Indians?
I hate the Indians.
Do you think the Indians is a racist name for a team?
Yes, it is.
But this is OK?
I got the same thing--
Both of them!
The Blackhawks, and the Indians, and the Washington Redskins,
need to change their name.
Dave Chappelle's newest character, everyone.
Baseball has a lot of terms that are sort of sexual, you know,
metaphors.
Going to first base, second base, pitcher, catcher,
switch hitter, right?
He's behind the count?
You know what that means, he's behind the count?
That's when you butt fuck Dracula.
Everybody celebrate safely tonight, right?
Seriously.
This is the most violent city in America.
This is a little like-- it's like Sarajevo,
but with more Bosnians.
Look at all the people here!
The whole city's here!
Seriously, is anybody watching the fucking game?
Are you real fans?
OK, who's batting fifth?
Who's batting fifth?
Now, this guy!
That's a real fan.
Let's go!
I know why you guys won't be going to work tomorrow.
Because you're unemployable.
Who believes the curse is over?
I believe the curse is over!
The curse is definitely fucking over!
Fuck that goat!
Who wants to see me fuck that goat?
No, you can't have next.
It's his turn.
You're going to fuck the goat?
I'll fuck the goat, goddamn it.
Show me!
This one's going to fuck the goat.
Fuck that goat!
It's working!
We have to keep fucking it!
It's top of the ninth?
I don't recall.
It was 30 seconds!
Chapman pitched the whole top of the ninth?
Wow, they didn't yank him.
Anybody watching up there?
Can we come in or will they freak out for the camera?
You sure?
There's no way he could have known.
I told him, OK.
The Cubs will be ahead-- I can read the future.
And we'll win the game, and I've already-- I'm from the future.
I've had emotional experiences.
When my first child was born, the doctor come out
and he's like, sir, sir, he started, What?
Just tell me?
Your son he's born.
He's just one great big eye ball?
Your son is a single eyeball?
He's blind.
I'm still baseball happy.
You know, I don't need to watch the game.
I think I'm just going to leave immediately.
Scoring position.
Cubs!
We got the Cubs!
Let's watch the game!
Let's get the Cubs!
Let's fucking win!
Let's all go home!
Let's watch the game!
Now everybody, fuck the cub!
Let's everybody fuck the cub!
Everybody stick your dick in the cub's--
Cubby!
Cubby, you want to solo, man?
What happened?
That's painful.
It worked!
It was my drumming!
I swear to God!
It was my drumming!
I did the drumming!
It was me!
It was my drumming that scored the run!
It was me!
8-6!
One more out!
One more shitty out!
We're going to do it!
Your lives are about to change!
Enough of this crap!
I told you!
That's it!
It worked!
Go, Cubs, go!
Hey Chicago, what do you say?
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack!
I don't care if I ever get back!
And you're lying here in my arms,
I'm finding it hard to believe I'm in heaven.
What the--?
Triumph, were you at the game!
Of course I was.
Oh, my God.
What was your favorite part?
Oh, it was all so beautiful, it really was.
But it's enough.
I feel nothing but love for this town.
I've got to fix that.
I know exactly where to go, too.
Where are you headed?
Fuck you, Bobby Bouchet.
What the fuck?
Oh, Triumph, you bad news bitch!
Shut the fuck up!
Yeah, I remember that.
I made you!
You treat these people with respect tonight.
These are World Champions!
Meanwhile, you're still losing your battle to ranch dressing.
That's right.
You need to stop selling hot dogs for four dollars each
when you're used to taking them for much less.
You want to fight?
Let's take this out to the dumpsters.
Said the guy you lost your virginity to.
Who's your master, motherfucker?
Conan O'Brien!
Yeah.
I sucked Conan O'Brien's dick.
Wow!
Let the world know!
She sucked Conan O'Brien's dick.
Let me just ask you.
Is it safe to eat hot dogs here, or have you finally saved
enough money to buy a dildo?
Yes.
Is there anything you won't put between your buns,
besides a washcloth?
Fuck you!
And fuck Conan!
And fuck the man who's got his hand up your ass, too.
And fuck this cameraman.
Fuck you!
Fuck this interesting motherfucker
with a hot ass skull cap on!
Fuck you, Triumph!
Again!
Fuck you!
You look like if Flint, Michigan was a person!
You look like Beyonce sat on a radiator.
Good night poochy!
Fuck you!