Smoking is not the end of the world.
Drinking is also not the end of the world.
Not that we are giving them the freedom to do all
these kinds of things. We don’t like it,
but we have to, at times, let children learn
from certain mistakes on their own.
You cannot manhandle them at that age.
If you are too strong, they will break.
If you are too weak, they will become even more spoiled.
As I said, the most important thing is how we prepare
them for the future from day one.
I cannot expect to see the change in them
when they have turned twelve or thirteen.
We have to support them to a certain extent.
I don’t mind if rules have to be placed,
“You may go out. By this time you should come back"
Does that mean they will postpone or pre-pone the activities
which are not so very good?
We don’t know, we have to trust them also.
Having confidence, “Yes, they will not do anything wrong”,
but to constantly keep on nagging them, keep on warning
them - I think that also frustrates them.
Over carefulness from the parents side destroys
the relationship. You have to be careful.
Don’t show it, be very subtle.
Share stories with them, beautiful stories, inspiring stories.
The problem is we stop, we have stopped reading stories
to them at bedtime.
Even when they are thirteen, fourteen, fifteen,
eighteen, why not even when at thirty, share a nice
story with them, share a nice joke with them
that can make them think.
At every age, parents must change.
When they are teenagers, you can’t be bossy.
Now their inner awakening is there, they are slowly
shifting mentally and emotionally from dependence on
parents to their own self. They are searching,
they are inventing things. Nothing wrong with it,
but our job is to guide them in the right direction.
Don’t lecture them. They say “Okay, I want to try this out”.
“Okay, go ahead. Let us see what happens.”
Don’t be so negative.
Never question, “What did you do?
Why were you so busy?”
You are putting the child on the defensive,
you are teaching him how to lie.
You have to give some level of liberty.
Smoking is not the end of the world.
Drinking is also not the end of the world.
Not that we are giving them the freedom to do all these
kinds of things. We don't like it, but we have to at times
let children learn from certain mistakes on their own.
When you see he is smoking or she is smoking,
find some hilarious stories or movies depicting the negative
effect of such bad habits. Share such movies.
There are tons of information on drugs,
tons of information on safe sex; provide them.
Drinking.. again,
knowledge is tremendous, we need to sit down and remove
this guilt of doing or not doing certain things with others...
especially this peer pressure kills them.
We have to give them confidence that “You are greater”,
that, “You have the ability to say ‘no’ to certain things.
Use your wisdom. Guide your friends;
they can be foolish, but you are wiser.
If you do it, go ahead and do it,
and see the impact of it on your physical
system, mental system.
If you like to continue, go ahead”. Give them freedom.
“I will pay you. I will buy you a box or carton of cigarettes,
but see for yourself how it helps in your studies or in your
physical wellbeing, your health.” Show them the
negative things that can happen because of all these things.
They say that you may not give any money to your child.
It is okay. If you give a lot of money to a foolish child,
an ignorant child, he is going to waste it and make
use of it in the wrong way because the tendency to go
downhill is always there. Entropy - you don’t have to do
anything to allow any system to get decayed;
it needs energy input to sustain
a system or elevate the system.
When a child demands and you easily give way,
and you know he is a foolish fellow, don’t give it.
And if the child is wiser, you need not give anything at all.
He is going to stand on his legs and one day surpass you as well.
Be confident in your genetic transfer. You could do it,
they are better than you, and of course, you will be witnessing
them from a distance, and be happy that he did it on his own.
Don’t rob them of this pleasure, don’t let them feel,
“Oh, he is always there, he is always helping me”,
but then there is no joy left in their life, the joy
of achievement. The first-timer who kick-starts the whole
progress, they are so happy because they achieved it
on their own.
Children, we have to let them do it on their own,
if they are not interested, tell them, “You start this project”.
Give the limited amount of money, facilitate a bank loan
and let him pay it off. He will have so much joy doing
this on his own, but don’t transfer it. Youngsters today are
far more sharper than us, very sharp, we have to somehow
cultivate this tendency in them, rightful tendency.
The day you ask when your son and his wife have gone out,
“Why did you come so late?” Or if they may feel “Okay,
we need to go out and have dinner outside”,
give them that freedom.
Don’t push them in such a way that you are not
able to say anything later on. Once they are gone,
once and for all, you have lost them. Though we say,
“Oh, it is good they stay separately”, but still the hurt will
always be there, so who is the culprit?
Not them, it is us - the parents. If we had given enough
of freedom in a balanced way, then they would desire
to stay back. When you love them so much without criticizing,
they would love to stay back, they will miss you.
Babuji Maharaj said the problems are because the incoming
new family member considers this new family as something
different, “It is not mine”.
The mother-in-law thinks,
“Oh, now my son is no longer mine or may not remain mine”,
but nothing changes in the mother and son relationship.
It is my attitude that will make it change;
the son is always the same. It is the fear the mother
has that, “Now he is married, his wife will take him over,
he will not listen to me”, things like that. But one
should not be afraid in this direction. Once you accept
the daughter-in-law as ‘mine’, the problem is resolved.
From your side, you are very clear, from her side,
if she has a problem, it is her problem,
but she will understand eventually. But if you are mutually
tightened up on both ends, it is going to break.
Apnapan, (affinity or intimacy or togetherness, or oneness)
in Hindi, apnapan is a beautiful word;
without this apnapan, you are lost.