>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU MAY NOTICE THAT I'M NOT WHERE I NORMALLY AM... WHEN I'M
NORMALLY NOT AT THE OTHER PLACE... WHERE I NORMALLY AM.
I'M TWICE-REMOVED FROM NORMAL.
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS DELAWARE.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT DELAWARE, I'LL GIVE YOU A QUICK
A LESSON IN OUR ONE-TIME SEGMENT, "BETTER KNOW A
DELAWARE: RAISING YOUR DELAWARENESS."
FUN FACT: PEOPLE FROM DELAWARE ARE OFTEN REFERRED TO AS "BLUE
HENS," WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE THE STATE BIRD IS ACTUALLY A
HIGHWAY REST STOP.
AND THAT'S ABOUT IT.
SO NOW YOU KNOW DELA-WHERE, BUT YOU MIGHT BE ASKING, "DELA-WHY?"
I'M HERE TO DO THE FIRST POST-ELECTION JOINT INTERVIEW
WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT JOSEPH R.
BIDEN AND THE NEXT FIRST LADY, DR.
JILL BIDEN.
PLUS, WHO PASSES UP A TRIP TO WILMINGTON?
THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL THIS TOWN "THRILLMINGTON."
AND I'M BEING TOLD THEY DO NOT CALL IT THAT.
THAT INTERVIEW IS MOMENTS AWAY, BUT FIRST:
THERE'S GOOD PANDEMIC NEWS!
PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE STARTED GETTING THE PFIZER
VACCINE, AND THIS WEEK, HOSPITALS DISCOVERED A SURPRISE
IN THEIR VACCINE DELIVERIES: EXTRA DOSES.
THE VACCINE STRETCHES FURTHER THAN WE THOUGHT!
IT'S A HANUKKAH MIRACLE!
LET'S CELEBRATE BY EATING FRIED POTATOES, WHICH I BELIEVE
AMERICANS DO EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR ANYWAY.
HERE'S THE DEAL: PHARMACISTS HAVE FOUND THAT WHEN THEY USED
GLASS VIALS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO CONTAIN FIVE DOSES,
SOMETIMES, THEY CAN SQUEEZE OUT AN ADDITIONAL DOSE.
IT'S LIKE THAT FEELING WHEN YOU THINK YOU FINISHED THE FRENCH
FRIES, THEN YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG, AND YOU FIND
THOSE LITTLE EXTRA CRUNCHY BITS.
BUT IMAGINE IF THOSE FRENCH FRIES PREVENTED DISEASE.
AGAIN, WE EAT A LOT OF FRIED POTATOES IN AMERICA.
AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED THAT EXTRA VACCINE, BECAUSE THE WHITE
HOUSE IS STICKING WITH ITS PANDEMIC PLAN OF "NOT HAVING A
PLAN."
YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED OF EMAILS FROM ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S TOP
HEALTH APPOINTEES, FORMER H.H.S.
SCIENCE ADVISOR PAUL ALEXANDER.
NORMALLY, I WOULD SHOW A PICTURE OF HIM, AND DO A JOKE, BUT-- AND
THIS IS TRUE-- WE COULD FIND NO IMAGE OF HIM ON THE INTERNET.
HE MIGHT HAVE ERASED THEM ALL, AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT
WHY.
BECAUSE THIS SUMMER, ALEXANDER URGED TOP HEALTH OFFICIALS TO
ADOPT A "HERD IMMUNITY" APPROACH TO COVID-19 AND ALLOW MILLIONS
OF AMERICANS TO BE INFECTED BY THE VIRUS, THEREBY CHANGING THE
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES, TO THE DEPARTMENT OF
HELL AND HUMAN SACRIFICE.
BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING ABOUT PAUL ALEXANDER'S STRATEGY.
IT WOULD REQUIRE ALMOST THREE MILLION DEATHS TO REACH HERD
IMMUNITY.
IF YOUR PLAN TO SAVE HUMANITY INVOLVES KILLING MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE, YOU'RE NOT A HEALTH ADVISER, YOU'RE A MARVEL
VILLAIN.
SO, CLEARLY, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER THAT WE GET TO THE
INAUGURATION OF ONE OF MY GUESTS TONIGHT, JOE BIDEN.
IN THE FACE OF THE COVID RAGING, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS ASKING
AMERICANS TO STAY HOME.
IF ENOUGH PEOPLE DO THE RIGHT THING, HIS INAUGURATION COULD
END UP LOOKING A LOT LIKE THE LAST ONE.
NOW, NORMALLY, INAUGURATIONS ARE FUNDRAISING CASH COWS.
SUPPORTERS ARE WILLING TO SHELL OUT BIG BUCKS FOR A PICTURE WITH
THE NEW PRESIDENT.
BUT THIS YEAR, THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.
SO, INSTEAD, TOP CONTRIBUTORS WILL GET "VIRTUAL SIGNED PHOTOS"
WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT AND THE FIRST LADY.
OKAY.
BUT THEY DO REALIZE THAT ANYONE WITH A COMPUTER CAN GET A
VIRTUAL SIGNED PHOTO OF THEMSELVES WITH THE PRESIDENT.
ANY PRESIDENT.
CHECK OUT THIS PHOTO OF ME WITH MARTIN VAN BUREN.
AND DID HE SIGN IT?
YOU BET.
"STEPHEN, LOVED YOUR INTERVIEW WITH CHANCE THE RAPPER.
YOU CAN'T FAKE CHEMISTRY.
COWABUNGA, M.V.B."
MEANWHILE, THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION IS SWAMPED WITH A
MAD SCRAMBLE FOR PARDONS.
ACCORDING TO ONE INSIDER, "IT'S TURNED CRAZY."
"TURNED" CRAZY?
THIS IS THE PRESIDENT WHO ADVISED PEOPLE TO INJECT BLEACH,
SAID THAT A DEAD VENEZUELAN LEADER STOLE THE ELECTION,
WANTED TO TRADE PUERTO RICO FOR GREENLAND, AND STOP A HURRICANE
WITH A NUCLEAR BOMB.
WE'VE MADE THE TURN TO CRAZYTOWN A LONG TIME AGO.
NOW WE'RE JUST DOING DONUTS IN CUCKOO CANYON.
THE ADMINISTRATION HAS LARGELY IGNORED ANY ESTABLISHED PROCESS,
SO PEOPLE ARE CALLING THE WHITE HOUSE DIRECTLY.
IN FACT, SO MANY PEOPLE ARE ASKING FOR PARDONS OR
COMMUTATIONS THAT A SPREADSHEET HAS BEEN CREATED TO KEEP TRACK
OF THE REQUESTS.
YES, THEY'RE COMPILING THEM ALL IN MICROSOFT EX-CELL.
IF THEY DO MANAGE TO PRY THE CURRENT PRESIDENT FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE, HE MAY NEED TO FIND A DIFFERENT PLACE TO LIVE, BECAUSE
PALM BEACH RESIDENTS SURROUNDING MAR-A-LAGO RECENTLY SENT THE
TOWN A LETTER WITH A MESSAGE FOR THE OUTGOING COMMANDER IN CHIEF:
WE DON'T WANT YOU TO BE OUR NEIGHBOR.
IT'S ALL IN THE NEW DOCUMENTARY, "WON'T YOU SUCK IT, NEIGHBOR?"
THE LOCALS DON'T LIKE THE NOISE AND TRAFFIC WHEN THE PRESIDENT
IS AT MAR-A-LAGO, BUT EVEN BEFORE HE WAS IN OFFICE, HE
CREATED ILL WILL IN THE TOWN BY REFUSING TO COMPLY WITH EVEN
BASIC LOCAL REQUIREMENTS, SUCH AS ADHERING TO HEIGHT LIMITS FOR
A MASSIVE FLAGPOLE HE INSTALLED.
NOT TO MENTION THE VIOLATING THE HOMEOWNER ASSOCIATION'S RULES ON
FENCE HEIGHT.
NOW, LET'S GET TO THE REASON I CAME DOWN HERE-- MY INTERVIEW
WITH THE FUTURE FIRST COUPLE, STARTING WITH THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT.
STEPHEN?