Translator: Leonardo Silva Reviewer: Tanya Cushman
Hi.
So I'm going to start my talk today
by telling all of you that my biggest fear is that I will never be loved for who I am
in a romantic relationship.
Now, some of you are already going,
"Obviously.
You are morbidly obese."
Some of you can see that I'm not wearing makeup.
Some of you can see that I have a bit of a strange sense of style.
Anyone who knows anything about African hair is wondering,
"Why haven't you covered it up with a weave or with braids
or straightened it?" -
with the same ingredient that we use to unblock the shower drain.
And I'm here to tell you that this is not a superficial problem.
So I went and searched on Google,
and I found out that when people look at me,
they expect me to be good at relationships because I'm a woman.
Even worse,
they think I'm supposed to be "nurturing" and have nesting instincts.
And I'm here to tell you I am terrible at relationships
and managing relationships.
I find interacting with people in real life inefficient and exhausting.
I'm also totally undomesticated:
it takes me a month to do the same chores that other people get done in a week.
And when I was in medical school,
I learned that we each only get one biological mother,
and when she stops cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry,
and nagging you to look after yourself,
that's it.
It doesn't become my job because I'm a woman.
And anyway, I don't like doing that stuff for myself.
So why should I do it for someone else
when I could be playing the latest Call of Duty?
(Laughter)
I also find the idea of living with someone a bit ridiculous,
because, I mean, if Superman had a fortress of solitude,
surely everyone can understand that I need one,
right?
I have what used to be called Asperger's syndrome,
which is just a high-functioning form of autism.
And you can read up some of the specifics after this talk,
but I think the main point
is that I'm great at learning information that's presented in a logical way,
like human physiology,
but I'm terrible at creating systems in the real world,
like putting objects correctly into a cupboard,
because there's no formula for that
and I need a formula.
Right?
For me, it wouldn't be so bad,
but as a woman with autism,
the problem that I find with the rest of the world
is when people talk about people who are nerdy, intelligent,
socially awkward,
socially isolated,
and who are obsessed with computer games,
but who can't look after themselves,
they're always talking about men.
So even if I'm honest about it, people just don't get it.
So I thought the best way to talk about being a woman with autism
is to talk about dating, right?
Let's go back to how I started, right?
Let's go back to my biggest fear and where it came from.
So I was about 12
when I started noticing that people formed these primitive sort of peer bonds.
Somehow, due to some magic series of events,
a boy and a girl would come into school
and announce that they were now "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."
They would, you know, exchange letters,
they would be seen together between classes,
and it seemed like a great arrangement
because when they were in this, you know, "relationship,"
then they were happy,
but when they went through what was called a breakup,
then they were sad and even cruel to each other.
So I thought, "Oh, yeah.
I totally want some of this boyfriend and girlfriend action."
Right?
So I sat down and I catalogued all the boys in my class,
and I looked for the ones who looked like the lead singer of Extreme -
they're the band who sang "More Than Words,"
if anyone knows them -
because this seemed like a good criteria at the time.
So I selected a test subject who met the eligibility criteria
and then observed them in formal and informal settings,
and I would jot down my observations.
And you know, after a few weeks, I'd review them,
write them up in the form of a report
and then deliver that to the test subject with the obvious conclusion
that based on my excellent observations,
we would make a great "boyfriend and girlfriend partnership."
(Laughter)
Right?
(Applause)
And for the life of me,
I could not understand why this rational approach always failed.
(Laughter)
Okay, okay, to be fair,
to be fair,
there were other issues.
I was a black and native English-speaking girl
growing up in South Africa
in the mid to late 1990s.
So, the South African black people called me horrible names,
like "coconut" -
which means you're brown on the outside and white on the inside -
or they said I was "too masculine,"
or they said I was "too intelligent," right?
But then, on the other hand, you had white people
who thought that dating me was "immoral" or "disgusting" or "embarrassing."
And then, you had all these people in between who were like,
"Just leave us out of it, please; we don't want to be involved."
And even after coming to Germany,
where I've had the benefit of meeting very educated and very liberal people,
things have gotten better,
but the autism-related difficulties are still there.
So anyway, for about 20 years,
I tried many different things
to try and achieve this "boyfriend and girlfriend status."
One of the most ambitious things I did was learning how to code,
because I really believed
that the guy that I liked was going to walk into the computer labs
and he was going to go, "Damn!"
(Laughter)
"That is some sexy syntax you've got going there!"
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Obviously, he was going to sweep me into his arms and say,
"I've never met anyone like you!"
I would feel faint, the light would shine down from heaven,
angels would start singing,
and of course, we would live happily ever after.
Right?
I did get more practical as time went on.
(Laughter)
Another thing I did was to study, you know, dating self-help books
for like four years
because now, dating was a degree,
and I was trying to, you know, pass the course.
And this was actually useful
because I learnt that as a woman with autism,
eye contact is unbearable for me,
but this eye-contact thing
is where this whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing starts
in the first place.
Unfortunately, failing over and over again was really difficult for me.
So in the end, I would end up going,
(Crying) "Oh, he doesn't like me!
(Crying) Ah, it's not fair!"
And I would eat to relieve my frustration.
I mean, at one stage,
my comfort food was an entire apple pie, with, you know, cream.
And now that I have tried to live with the diagnosis openly,
I understand the problem.
If I want to develop emotional intimacy with people
and have them know me for who I am,
I have to be honest,
and this means saying things like,
"Ah, actually, I find physical stimulation unpleasant,"
or, say, "I can't go to a restaurant because the way cutlery goes -
makes me feel like my ear drums are bleeding."
And saying things like this to people -
you know, being honest about it makes people think,
"Oh, well, I mean,
clearly you don't want a serious relationship,
which is sad because as a woman with autism,
instead of learning that dating is fun, exciting,
leads to long-term partnership,
I learnt that dating leads to rejection,
coercion,
arguments,
abuse,
sadness,
and at the end of the day,
everyone else made me feel like I was unworthy of love,
just because I was "too different."
And on the other hand,
I couldn't find a rational argument
to explain away this feeling of wanting to connect intimately with people
because, I mean, wanting love is something common to all of us,
whether you have autism or not.
So I'm really very glad
that I've had this opportunity to say this talk to all of you today
because it's been so therapeutic.
(Laughter)
Even medical professionals and psychologists will cut me off
when I try and talk about this stuff and say,
"Ah, don't worry, don't worry. You'll figure it out."
And, I mean, I'm 35 now.
When, exactly? You know?
So let's talk about some ways that people can meet me in the middle,
because I know that I'm not the only woman who struggles with this.
But the problem is other women don't want to talk about it
because it's embarrassing to suck so badly at something
that everybody else around you thinks is completely natural.
You know?
I mean, the first thing I have to say
is if you want to date someone with autism,
please go and read up about it first.
It saves so much hassle.
You'll react with understanding and sympathy
instead of with rejection and ridicule.
Secondly,
I wish I could meet someone who'd have a no-talking date with me.
So that means
we sit and communicate using handheld devices,
but we're sitting right next to each other,
so we still have the real-life connection.
And if you're wondering why,
if you're wondering why,
this is because for someone with autism,
dealing with conversation is one of the most overwhelming things in the world.
Because when I'm having a conversation,
I'm watching your body language, which I don't really understand anyway.
I mean, facial expressions - it's all confusing.
I'm trying to listen to what you're saying,
but then I'm also trying to block out all the sounds and the noise and cutlery -
that's going on.
I'm trying to read your lips because I'm also trying to make sure
that if I miss anything that I can't hear,
I've got to pick it up from your lips.
And then I've also got to worry about myself.
I have to make sure that my own face is in the right configuration to say,
"Oh, I'm having fun."
(Laughter)
I have to edit what I'm saying
so that I make sure that I don't offend you, you know, accidentally.
I have to monitor my own body language and deal with my own discomfort
because even sensory stimulation, like having smart clothes on,
is unbearable for me;
it's horrible.
So I would, actually, truly, rather be in my room,
you know, barefoot, in front of my computer,
but I make the effort to go out and interact with people in person.
So it would be nice if people could meet me halfway.
I think the next thing to say is, please, verbalize.
I know you guys all understand what a wink or a head tilt means,
but we barely even notice,
if we even understand what you're doing.
Ideally, you should say things like,
"I'm having a really good time with you,
and I'd like to put my arm around you now,"
so that we can logically process the information
and prepare for the stimulation that's going to come,
instead of going, "Ew! Touching! Gross, gross!"
And I think the last point for me is that you have to remember
that someone who's a woman with autism has probably been traumatized
by the dating process.
For me,
I didn't even know what being hit on was
until I was a my mid-twenties.
So if someone came up to me in the supermarket
or, you know, in a public place
and wouldn't leave me alone,
I would, you know, scream and get upset
because I thought they were trying to kidnap me or something.
You know?
And on the other hand,
now that I'm older and I have more experience,
I'm afraid whenever someone shows interest in me
because they expect me to have a huge amount of dating experience
that I just don't have.
So a good example was, recently,
I was dating someone who brought up the topic of moving in together
just a few weeks into dating, you know.
Most other women would be like, "Yes! Score!"
You know?
And instead, I was like, (Crying) "Oh ...
Ah, he doesn't like me!"
You know?
And it's something that you have to accept,
that these relationship milestones are just going to take longer,
and it's something that everyone else has to deal with.
So after telling you all of this stuff about women with autism,
why would you want to date them anyway?
We sound kind of complicated and difficult, right?
Well, one good thing I can tell you
is that I definitely regard the people that I'm in love with
with the sense of like child-like admiration and wonder.
Instead of checking off, you know, points on a list, like,
"Is he going to be a good breadwinner?"
you know.
I try and use my abilities and my weirdness
to make life better for the other person
because I want to make up for not being a typical girlfriend.
I'm loyal, I'm passionate, and I'm intense.
I'm a woman with autism,
and I reward understanding,
direct communication,
and tolerance
with unconditional love.
Thank you.
(Applause)