An intense silence. Extreme wide shot. A massive crowd. Zoom in. No one knows
whether to cheer or cry. Keep zooming. No one knows what will happen next. Keep zooming. The
seconds drag on like minutes. 15, 20. Or has it been only 10? At the center of the crowd,
a scaffold. At the center of the scaffold, the body of Charles I, in two pieces.
The most interesting thing about King Charles the First is that he was five foot six inches tall
at the start of his reign. And only four foot eight inches tall at the end of it.
[intro]
Charles I:
“Charles, my son!” Charles II: “What is it Charles, my father?”
Charles I: “Charles, it’s not safe here. Run, take refuge in France.”
Charles II: “But there’s one problem, father! I don’t speak French!”
Charles I: “Mon dieu! C’est tragique! Qu’est-ce que devrions nous faire? Ah! Voila! Babbel!”
Charles II: “I don’t - still don’t understand what that-”
I: “Si vous devez fuir le pays,” II: “Dad, you - ”
I: “Utilisez Babbel!” II: “English?”
I: “Babbel is the perfect app to begin your new life in exile. In just three weeks,
Babbel’s bite-sized interactive lessons will have you starting to speak in your new mother
tongue! And with their wide selection of games, podcasts, and more, you’ll fit right in! Take
in new experiences around the world, immerse yourself in new cultures, and enjoy the simple
pleasure of learning something new every day! All you have to do is click the link
or scan the QR code to get 60% off” II: “Thank you for this father.
I’ll think of you, always.” James: “What about me Papa?”
Charles: “Right, you… don’t forget to wear sunscreen.”
The English parliament had been stewing in frustration with the king well before
Charles ever put on a crown. His father King James, of Bible fame,
really wanted to go to war to help his family in Bohemia but parliament voted no.
James: “I am England and if I say we’re
going to war then by God we’re going to war!” Speaker: “That’s adorable. I propose a motion
we stop paying taxes to the king?” Various: “Seconded” “Aye” “Aye!”
Speaker: “The Aye’s have it. Of course, we might be willing to reconsider. If
prince Charles marries a protestant and England goes to war with Spain”
Well James and Charles thought that was a load of steaming hog bollocks,
in fact they had already made plans for Charles to marry the Spanish infanta. So Charles made up
his mind to go around parliament. He and his good friend George Villiers,
Duke of Buckingham would sneak out of the country incognito to make this marriage happen.
Villiers: I say, Tom, what a capital idea! Charles: Very Quite, Jack,
most quite indeed! Charles: “Oh sir! Deliver
us to the coast, would you?” Driver: “Yes your majesty”
Butler: “Princessa! A couple of hooligans to see you”
Charles: “It’s me, the prince of England!” Butler: “A couple of clean-shaven
hooligans to see you”
Butler: “Her grace does not speak to infidels, I’m afraid.”
[The infanta whispers] Butler: “She tells me she will marry you on the
condition you convert to Roman Catholicism…” [she whispers again]
Butler: “and you must repeal your edicts of religious discrimination. Should you comply,
you may expect to see her grace next one year after the wedding”
Charles: “We’re going to war with Spain!” James: “That wasn’t the deal!”
Charles: “Trust me it was never gonna fly, am I right Villiers?”
Villiers: “Totes” Cranfield: “But war with Spain is expensive!”
James: “Then why did YOU ASK FOR IT?!”
Charles and Villiers had the treasurer impeached. Impeachment had only happened once recently,
and James warned the boys that they would regret giving parliament such
a powerful tool to deal with their enemies. For the moment though, they had a little win,
parliament tossed just enough money to the king to send one spunky mercenary
captain and a gaggle of ruffians to go fight for Bohemia. They made it as far as the Netherlands.
But that’s okay! After all, parliament had already approved the war,
so Charles (now king) calls parliament together the next year and says
Charles: “Hey, things didn’t go quite as planned,
so let’s talk about our budget this year” Speaker: “Actually, let’s talk about your wife.”
Charles had given up on the Spanish infanta and married a French woman. Problem is,
the French? Also Catholic. And part of the deal to get that dowry money was that Charles had to
punish Catholics in England less for being Catholics, which did not fly in parliament.
Speaker: “And if you want the rights to import/export taxes you’re gonna have to
call us again next year because we’re only gonna lend you those rights. And
another thing, ditch Villiers. The man’s a clown” Charles: “Villiers acted on my orders! If you’ve
got a problem with him, you’ve got a problem with me, muchacho. Too bad you can’t impeach
a king, hah! Checkmate dweebs!” Speaker: “Your majesty-”
Charles: “I’ve heard enough. Parliament is hereby dissolved!”
Charles chalks up all the drama to some bad apples,
so he does a little election tampering. He makes sure that all those troublemakers are
elected county sheriff, and sheriffs aren’t allowed to leave their county.
With that business squared away, he calls parliament the following year.
Speaker: “We’re not giving you more money” Charles: “What, why?”
Speaker: “Because last time you gave it to this bozo and he spent 250,000 pounds to get fifty-four
hundred sailors drunk in Cadiz harbour!” Villiers: “C’mon, you had to be there”
Speaker: “He’s got to go. All in favour of impeachment?”
Charles: “Dismissed, you’re all dismissed, parliament over!”
Villiers: “Appreciate it man” Charles: “I gotchu bro”
Charles looks for new ways to get money, and he comes up with loans! Kinda like government-issued
war bonds in a way, but if you don’t buy them you get thrown in prison without trial. Charles
racks up a bunch of cash, gives it to Villiers, sends him to France and it’s gone. It’s all gone,
Villiers failed miserably. Where did that send Charles? Right back to parliament.
Speaker: “Of course we’ll give you the money! On the condition you never go behind our backs again”
MP (unseen in crowd): “And stop taking our stuff!” Speaker: “Yeah, no more taking our stuff and
throwing us in jail” Charles: “Okay…”
Speaker: “And for God’s sake get rid of Villiers!” Charles: “Never!”
Charles: “Petition of right, more like Petition of Fright am I right Villiers? Up high!”
George Villiers was stabbed to death that year, by a man who’d been passed up for a
promotion and was tired of watching George screw up without reprisal.
The next thing parliament wanted to do was to discuss import/export taxes
and how Charles was sort of going around parliament’s backs again,
and Charles snapped parliament out of existence for eleven years and arrested nine MPs.
Charles was determined to make it in the world all on his own, even if he had to use every loophole
in the book! This time he banked on ship money. You see back in the old days before England had
a standing navy, the king used to order seaside towns to build ships for war, or they could give
him money instead. Sure, in 1634 England wasn’t under any immediate threat, but you never know
what could happen, and technically a levy was not a tax, which meant he was in the clear.
King Charles was happy as a clam, he could finally turn England into his own personal autocracy!
There was just one problem: religion. You see when James VI of Scotland became James I of England
and inherited not only a kingdom but an entire religion whose doctrine made him the infallible
supreme leader, well he thought the Scots really ought to give this whole Anglicanism thing a try,
but he’d have to take it slow. Charles, now, was just delivering on some of the patch notes
to Christianity that James had promised, and the Scots weren’t happy. They hated the church
hierarchy being led by bishops, who they saw as a bunch of stooges appointed by the king,
and when the king handed down a new prayer book with new religious doctrines, they rioted.
The Scottish Parliament and the Scottish Church’s parliament, both signed a covenant saying no one
was allowed to change Scotland’s religion without going through them. Charles can’t
abide lest the Puritans in England get any ideas, the buncha weirdos,
and that means war. And war means… money. Oh sure, he fought with his own money for a while,
but any chance to end the war quickly left when the Scots tricked him into thinking
their army was ten sizes too big. So the only solution… was parliament.
Charles: “Look calling a parliament in the first place, that’s a pretty big
concession. Let’s give a big hip-hip-hurrah for England and save our grievances for later, eh?”
But by now parliament had a long, long list of grievances. Charles says he’ll
give up ship money in exchange for a grant, parliament says
Speaker: “Now see here - oh not again.”
Charles dissolved the parliament, then realized oh
right he still had to fight a war in Scotland, and called parliament again.
Speaker: “Now see here! You can’t go around dissolving us like that it really… messes
with your head. Parliament can be dissolved only with consent by parliament, and must
hereafter meet at least once every three years, at a minimum! And no more spontaneous arrests!”
Parliament arrests Charles’ advisors, claiming they were inspiring the king to do evil and
trying to maintain the delicate film of polite incredulity that the real problem was the king
if he would just play along. Furthermore they arrest his deputy in Ireland, meaning there will
be no absolute monarchy anywhere in the British Isles, and also the Scottish win the war anyway.
Without the Lord Deputy of Ireland’s boots on the ground, Ireland rebels, Charles and Parliament
both agree somebody should do something about that, but neither one of them is willing to raise
an army if the other one is going to lead it. Parliament then does a bunch of spring cleaning,
kicking out all their bishops, giving themselves the right to veto the king’s cabinet, and -
Speaker: “King Charles! Y-you can’t be in here! The other scenes were for the sake of simplicity,
the king has never set foot in the House of Commons! For the sake of law and order -”
Charles: “Hah, you’re not gonna believe this, here’s Law, and here’s Order. They just want
to have a little chat with the men who’re leading all of this. Bring me John Hampden,
Arthur Hasselrig, John Pym…” Charles: “...and the rest of
those empty seats. Where are they?” Speaker: “May it please your majesty,
I saw what parliament says I saw and I’ll tell you what parliament says I’ll tell you”
It’s not quite as intense a moment as I was led to believe by the
scene with Obi-Wan Kenobi that made me choose this topic in the first place,
but it’s clear where things are headed. Charles moves his family out of London. Parliament
delivers their demands. Charles moves across the country to gather weapons and soldiers until:
John Hotham: “No.” Charles: “No?”
Hotham: “No. Y’can’t come in.”
Charles: “I am your king!” Hotham: “Mm, tough nuggies innit?”
Charles orders the man be arrested as a traitor, but what’s he gonna do about
it? He lays siege to the town and the English Civil War has officially begun.
A general layout of the war for you: Parliament’s got the South, the East,
and the big cities. Charles’s got the North, the Wales, and the countryside. Scotland
supports England on the condition that England becomes presbyterian (no more bishops); the
Irish supported Charles believing he’d be more receptive to a pro-Catholic Ireland.
Charles has a good opportunity to defeat a major parliamentarian army,
but instead of speeding towards London, he stops to violently sack a city or two along the way,
giving the parliamentarian army enough time to make it to London first and warn
everyone about the horrible horrible things the king is gonna do to everybody in town if
parliament loses. Defeat the king nine and ninety times and he is king still,
be defeated once and be hanged. Not to mention he’s allied with the scary Irish Catholics!
Charles makes his own parliament in Oxford, it doesn’t do much. The London parliament
decides they’re not very good at running an army actually and creates the New Model Army
led by army men who’re not allowed to be in government and vice versa. Except
for… Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England, eh-maybe next time. The parliamentarians split
their forces, it doesn’t work. Charles splits his forces, it doesn't’ work.
Charles is outmatched, and he surrenders, but pointedly he surrenders to the Scots. He shows
up in their camp and they go “Oh my God, King Charles, how did you get here what a surprise!”
but they knew. They knew exactly why he was there. He was there to make a deal. They say:
Alexander Leslie: “Some time ago, an envoy from France planted in us an
idea. To make a separate peace with the king.” Charles: “Worst kept secret in Britain, that.”
Leslie: “Yes, thank you. Of course his idea was to drive a wedge between Scotland and England and one
day reignite the Auld Alliance between France and Scotland, so why should I agree with him?
It so happens some folks in England are of the idea that there shouldn’t be an official state
religion and we should all be welcome to worship as we please. Buncha pillocks. Frankly we could
give a hoot about all the duties and taxes and privileges and whatever it is they’re so
upset about in London. Make presbyterianism the state religion in England and Scotland and we
will fight for you to be on the throne.” Charles: “I think you mean to say you
couldn’t give a hoot-” Leslie: “Oh my God!”
Charles reasoned that in peace time men are led from the pulpit more than by the sword,
and if the church doesn’t have him as its infallible supreme leader then maybe people
might start to question giving all the power in the country to a singular man. So he said no,
the Scots didn’t really know what to do with him so they sold him to the English.
It was true though, divisions were already starting to form among the revolutionaries.
It’s very easy to unite in order to oppose something, it’s a lot more difficult to decide
who or what gets to replace it. In England, parliament was torn between the presbyterians,
who, again, anti-bishop, and the independents, who wanted no state religion. The Army by this
point was quickly becoming a political faction all its own, mostly independent, but then the
Army had elected a bunch of representatives to go to parliament to present their grievances,
to which parliament rolled its eyes and said the army would be paid… y’know, eventually. And then
within the army, the rank-and-file soldiers were degrees more radical than their superior officers.
Charles was playing the waiting game. The independents will fight the presbyterians
and then the Scots will fight the English and the parliament will fight the army
and the army will fight itself and they’ll all realize how badly they need their king,
their Leviathan. Problem is… someone has to be in charge in order to negotiate with
Charles. Charles’ fate depends on who wins. And often times… that’s not the moderates
The army steals Charles away from the parliament and tries to negotiate with him,
but ehhh Charles isn’t ready to pick a side just yet. The Scottish and English
presbyterians are getting antsy because they don’t like the army getting all political,
they say “Hey Charles, would you just try presbytyrianism for three years? Just try it,
you’ll like it!” and Charles says yes! It’s civil war time, baby!
The Scots… were not the right choice. The Second Civil War goes very badly for Charles
and friends. He’s taken back to England to continue negotiating with parliament
because… well he’s the king y’know! But the Army is done playing this game.
Colonel Thomas Pride walks to parliament,
refuses to let anyone in who isn’t on the side of the army, and arrests another 45 MPs.
MP: “You’re no better than King Charles!
Y-you can’t do that!” Pride: “Or what, are you
gonna start a civil war against the army?” Of 470 members in total, 83 are present for
the vote, and they declare that England will not be negotiating with Charles.
What’s left of the House of Commons passes an act formally
accusing Charles of treason. It fails in the house of Lords.
Ireton: “Sod the sodding Lords, I'll sodding sod 'em in the sod!"
MP 2: “Sir?” Ireton: “Dissolve them,
abolish them if you have to, just get me that trial!”
Three Chief Justices find it unlawful.
Ireton: “We hereby create the law that says we can try the sodding king! How do you plead?”
Charles: “To what, treason against myself? Am I right Villiers? Aw…”
Ireton: “That’s a confession to me, to the axeman!”
They actually recorded that as a confession and then continued to call witnesses just
to get everyone hyped for the verdict. Out of 135 judges specifically chosen for the trial,
about half showed up and declared him guilty. Charles was… a little flabbergasted,
but surprisingly chill. He asked for an extra shirt so he wouldn’t shiver in the cold and
have people think he didn’t wanna die, embarrassing, and other than that… y’know
he’d dug his feet in the sand all his life but once he saw the end he was totally at peace.
MP 2: “guilty of all the treasons, murders,
rapines, burnings, spoils, desolations, damages and mischiefs to this nation, acted and committed
in the said wars, or occasioned thereby.” Executioner: “How about that, huh?”
Charles: “I know dude, wild.” Executioner: “See you in heaven though?”
Charles: “Bet. Is my hair good?” Executioner: “Yeah you’re good man”
Charles: “Fair enough. All right, on my signal. Later losers”