hello and welcome to day 24 of 30 skills in 30 days for better relationships
in this section we're going to learn about assertiveness
now i am not a natural at this but like all skills it is a skill that you can
learn and practice until you're good at it
this video is sponsored by better help where you can get professional
affordable online counseling for around $65
a week so check out the link in the description for 10%
off your first month so I am not the most assertive person I
thought I was and the more I get the further I get into parenting and
into my relationships the more I'm realizing that i'm actually
like I struggle with assertiveness um let me give you an example one time
my in-laws were in town and we had ordered some thai food my
husband had gone and picked it up I was really looking forward to my pad thai
my masaman curry my little cream cheese dumplings and when my husband gets back
he opens up the package and it was not the food we had ordered
and so my in-laws are sitting down they're eating it anyway and
they're like oh um this soup is really spicy oh this is some weird dish what is
this and I don't like spicy food and um
I just really wanted the food that I had ordered I was really hungry
and my mother-in-law keeps saying like Emma come sit down and eat come sit down
and eat and I was like no I'm just gonna you
know I'm just gonna go get I'm just gonna go back to the the
restaurant and get the you know the food I'll just go
drive don't worry about it I'll just go drive and my mother-in-law keeps saying
Emma come sit down and I'm like like but I didn't say
to her you know I didn't really say anything
and then eventually the restaurant calls my husband and says
hey are you ryan we had two orders for ryan and we gave you the wrong one
uh we have your food your whole food ready here come get it
so then at that point my husband goes drives up gets the food and comes back
and we had thai food but while my husband
was gone my mother-in-law was like Emma like do you hate me
and I was like what no I don't hate you what are you talking about
and she's like I kept saying like Emma come eat the food and you didn't even
answer me and I was like no like I don't hate you
I just was trying to avoid conflict I didn't actually want to say
like no I don't want to eat that food I want to eat the food I ordered I was
like too afraid to say that and so instead I said nothing which then
sent the message to my mother-in-law that I just
was ignoring her that I wasn't talking to her that I
you know didn't think she was worth responding to
so when I was trying to like keep the peace and just not like have conflict
basically not try to say no I'm not gonna eat that food you guys are telling
me to eat that left her feeling insecure
and uncertain in the relationship and I wasn't being assertive and that was you
know my lack of assertiveness
was causing problems in the relationship so let's talk a little bit more about
how to be assertive in a way that's respectful in relationships
because being assertive really can improve your relationships
make people feel more secure around you and help you have better self-esteem
and more certainty with yourself this video is
one section it's one day for my online course
30 skills in 30 days for better relationships
in that course I teach essential skills like changing your mindset
solving problems conflict resolution skills
and a few dozen other skills that are essential for healthy productive
relationships it's a course for couples parents or
co-workers really anyone who gets to interact with other humans on a regular
basis the full course includes daily exercises
to lay the foundation of connection and warmth and
positivity in your relationships plus a guided workbook
and these videos plus extra links and resources
so check it out the link is in the description
okay back to the video so in order to be a good communicator
you need to be able to help people understand you
and to do that you need to be assertive being assertive means expressing your
thoughts feelings and needs in an open and respectful way
it means standing up for yourself and others
assertiveness is crucial for a good relationship
and it builds self-esteem because when you're being more truthful to your
values beliefs and opinions you have more integrity you're more
honest with yourself both inwardly and outwardly people who
have been trained early in life to be deferential or
overly accommodating might assume that assertiveness is disrespectful
but being assertive does not mean that you should act hostile
aggressive or controlling assertiveness is actually an act of respect both for
you and others and while assertiveness is
respectful it's also sometimes uncomfortable being
assertive requires you to speak up in a way that may make you or others feel
awkward it requires you to be vulnerable in
expressing your wants and opinions and needs and while this may not feel
easy or comfortable it's best for relationships in the long run
because it's honest and it's straightforward
we all learned habitual communication styles from
childhood but most of us are unaware of how we communicate
so let's look at four types of communication styles
passive aggressive passive aggressive and assertive the first three tend to be
easier in the short term but more harmful to relationships
in the long run passive communication looks like keeping
your head down or avoiding conflict it often takes the
form of going with the flow always giving in to
other people's requests whether they're real or imagined and
avoiding expressing your own wants or needs
passive people often look incredibly busy
because they're rushing around trying to do everything
for everybody passive communication often feels comfortable initially
because conflict is avoided and you seem kind and selfless
but in the long run people feel unsafe around you
because they don't know what you really think people who
communicate passively often feel frustrated exhausted and maybe even like
others are taking advantage of them because this form of communication
undermines trust it also undermines relationships so
here's some examples of passive communication you want pizza
tonight um okay that's great when you really
wanted sushi or your boss asks you to take on another
project when you're already overloaded and you just say oh sure I can do that
right now let's talk about aggressive communication
aggressive communication tries to force others to do what we want
even if it's at the expense of their own wishes
and the relationship it can be controlling to the point of violence
like verbally or physically most adults who use an aggressive style
feel insecure afraid or powerless and like the bully on the playground
they compensate by trying to control others
now while aggression may be an attempt to
solve problems quickly it often leads to more relationship problems in the future
here are some signs of aggressive communication
you believe that yelling is the only way to get things done
you feel like people are always out to get you and if you don't defend yourself
you'll be taken advantage of or you use a lot of blaming language
like you language like you always you never okay now let's talk about passive
aggressive communication when you feel angry upset or like others
have mistreated you but you don't want to address the
problem directly you're probably using the passive aggressive style of
communication you may gossip use guilt trips and
sarcasm or you might secretly undermine others
or hope for their failure passive aggressive communication is an
attempt to get what you want without taking responsibility for what
you want it undermines relationships because you
say one thing but you feel another so here are some
signs of passive aggressive uh communication gossip talking badly
about people behind their back venting about someone instead of
directly addressing the issue sarcasm it lets us get a jab in at
someone but it avoids taking the blame because it was you know
just a joke undermining it's intentionally doing
a task or a project poorly so that we won't be asked to do
it again in the future or to you know we
undermine we do a task poorly just to prove that their way was
wrong that you know instead of expressing our
opinion or accepting the group decision we just do a bad
job to prove that their way was the wrong way
and another sign is triangulation so basically
anytime you're talking to others about a person
instead of trying to solve a problem with the person
that's usually passive-aggressive communication
okay and now let's talk about assertive communication
so assertive communication is when you respect others
and yourself it looks like using I language
like I think I feel I would like um it includes stating your opinion
respectfully so you say pizza tonight um
actually I'm kind of tired of pizza how about sushi
assertive communication looks like clear feedback so if someone
turns in some work that's not done right you say hey this this report still needs
some work how about you take a look at it with you
know tom from accounting and then come back and bring it back to me in a
couple days when it's fixed assertive communication looks like
direct problem solving so saying something like hey boss I'm
having some trouble collaborating with julie on the johnson account
I think it might help if we had more clearly defined roles
and objectives on the project assertiveness may not always feel
comfortable but it is most helpful in the long run
so for example if you're trying to decide where to go for dinner and your
partner suggests pizza but you want sushi
being assertive means you say I'd rather have sushi tonight
what do you think about that that might feel a bit uncomfortable
or it might disappoint the other person initially but in the long run
you'll avoid the uncertainty that harms relationships over time
it doesn't mean being assertive doesn't mean that you're gonna get sushi
it means that you at least have the conversation about
whether you're going to have pizza or sushi or go out for mexican
right trying hard to always just go with it or
never make anyone sad will or or never inconvenience anyone
is going to lead to feelings of frustration and a lack of honesty and
security in the relationship assertiveness is not the same as
demanding controlling or always getting what you want
it's about openly expressing yourself in an
honest and kind way some people mistake kindness for never making the other
person feel bad but if someone has a huge piece of food
stuck in their teeth when you tell them they'll initially
feel a little embarrassed this is going to be uncomfortable but
they'll be grateful not to go the whole day
with food in their teeth giving honest feedback or
correcting a child or honestly telling your partner what you like in bed
can all feel pretty uncomfortable but they can also be the steps that help
improve the relationship over time Nick Wignall said most of us have a hard
time communicating assertively because in one way or another
we're afraid being assertive can take effort
because sometimes others respond negatively and
that can feel uncomfortable it can be easy to fall into the rut of
communicating passively because we're afraid of what others
think or we're afraid of being judged or we just don't want to deal with the
hassle or drama of standing up for what we want
we may communicate aggressively because we want to feel powerful or
in control and this might help lessen our insecurities
and when we communicate passive aggressively we
want to relieve our internal anger or hurt without taking the responsibility
for the consequences of it in both of those situations we're
letting fear make our decisions for us and while these three
communication styles may help us avoid conflict or negative
feelings in the short term they always undermine relationships in
the long run people feel like they can't trust you
you either don't say what you think at least not to their face
or you blow up and when we communicate this way we lose our self-esteem we
distance ourselves from others and we invite others to feel unsafe
around us assertiveness on the other hand is often
more uncomfortable in the short term but it leads to lasting benefits in
order to speak assertively we may feel anxious or we
might feel nervous or will feel vulnerable or uncertain of
how others will respond and saying what you really think and
feel requires vulnerability opening yourself up
letting others see you and risking rejection changing over to
speaking more assertively may be met with some initial resistance
from family or friends who aren't used to hearing what you really think
they might tell you that you're being selfish or rude
but in the long run assertive communication is worth it
because it lays the foundation for healthy relationships
being assertive has many benefits it can help you gain self-confidence and
self-esteem it can decrease anxiety and dependency
it can improve trust in relationships it can lead to less resentment towards
others it can help you understand and recognize
your feelings it can help you earn respect from others
improve communications create win-win situations it can improve
your decision-making skills and create more
honest relationships and it can help you have
more job satisfaction it's a mistake to look at someone who's
assertive and say oh it's easy for her she has good self-esteem one of the ways
you build self-esteem is by being assertive when it's not easy
to do so there are always times when
self-assertiveness requires courage no matter how high your self-esteem so
here are some keys to assertiveness examine your underlying beliefs check
out the attached quiz which I've adapted from easy to love
difficult to discipline and see if you believe more in assertiveness aggression
or passivity value yourself and your
opinions know your needs and wants recognize the difference between being
kind and being avoidant express corrective feedback in a
positive loving way we're going to talk more about this in
the chapter on giving and receiving feedback
giving feedback can be a really important way to improve relationships
but you've got to learn how to do it in a respectful and helpful way
to be assertive you have to learn to say no you have to know your limits
and not let others take advantage of you and being assertive often requires you
to work in a collaborative way to look for option c
alternatives that everyone can agree on you keep the focus on what's best for
the we instead of for just you or me and when
you can keep your eye on that goal everyone can feel good about the outcome
even if it involves a sacrifice and with many topics you can agree
to disagree you can still be assertive but not always get your way okay so how
do we practice being assertive one of the easiest ways
to learn this is to start by practicing with safe people first
so ask family or friends if you can practice with them
you could also practice with like little tiny things like
asking for a different table at a restaurant or asking for extra peanuts
on a flight practice ahead of time so before you're
in an intense situation so if you're if you want to ask for a
raise from your boss or you want to you know give some feedback to someone
you practice ahead of time you could write it down or say it in a
mirror just getting your words ready so that in
the heat of the moment you have something that you could say
the other thing you can do is just pause for a long time before
responding to a request that can give you some time to think
about what you're going to say before you say it
if asking for what you want isn't working
you may need to set a boundary a boundary is about what
you will do in response to their behavior whether that's with a child
with a spouse or at work so you could say something like you know
if you don't make your bed then you don't get
to then I won't let you play with your friends today or at work if
you don't abide by the contract I will be forced to pursue legal action
right so setting a boundary can help reinforce
assertiveness if it's an area that you can't set a boundary on
then really it's just a request and you can still be assertive
in making a request but knowing the difference is all about knowing where is
your locus of control and I go into that a lot more in my
videos on boundaries be willing to make imperfect decisions
make a decision without being totally sure
of whether it's the right thing or what you want so being assertive requires you
to put yourself out there a little bit you can practice
by saying no to unreasonable requests stop over apologizing stop trying to
manage how others feel so act on the value of being kind don't
act on trying to prevent others from being hurt that's out of your realm
of control learn to tell the difference between
feeling guilty and being guilty in enmeshed relationships others often
try to guilt-trip you to make you change your behaviors
but just because something feels uncomfortable or it makes you or makes
others feel bad it doesn't mean you've done something
bad feeling guilt can be a chance to examine your
motives and your actions and to ask the question
did I actually do something wrong if you didn't do anything wrong there's nothing
to fix there's nothing to repair it's just a feeling so learn to tolerate
that feeling without needing to act on it
okay I hope some of these tips are helping you learn how to communicate
more assertively and as you do so that's going to help you improve your
relationships looking forward to seeing you tomorrow
on day 25 we're going to talk about flooding