-Our first guest tonight is a talented comedian, actor,
and writer you know from his work on "Saturday Night Live,"
"Tough Crowd," and "Train Wreck."
His new show "Small Talk" is playing
at the Lucille Lortel Theatre here in New York.
Please welcome back to the show our friend
Colin Quinn, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hello! -Hey!
Hey, I don't want to start off with complaints,
but, you know...
[ Laughter ]
Maybe a nice cup, a Seth Meyers cup?
-Oh, you want a cup? -This is really cheese ball.
-I'm sorry.
Well, you had a nice cup backstage.
Why'd you come out here -- -Now I look weird.
-Why do you want water right away?
-Because I like to lubricate my throat, you know, for the...
I'm a -- You know, it's a professional thing.
In the theater. -You're a theater guy?
-I'm a theater guy, yeah.
-Now, your show is about small talk.
-Yes. -What is some...
Was that small talk we just had there?
What is some good small talk? -No, that was complaints.
Complaining is not small talk. -Okay.
-You didn't come in hot like that.
-Okay. -It's gotta be more positive.
-So, what's good opening positive small talk?
-Like, well, you know, the best...
One of the best ones, of course today --
the weather, the rain.
Rain is like the, you know, all-star small-talk stuff,
'cause it's always shocking,
even after all these years on the planet.
Every time it rains, everybody's like, "You believe this?"
[ Laughter ]
"What's going on?"
And then I can say, "You look good."
And, you know, even if you think I'm being fake --
But you do look good, obviously you're working out,
and then, you know, you go, "You're doing good,
you're looking good, good for you."
And then you just kinda put it on that person.
And you know, depends on how you want to...
You try to read -- like, I try to read
if you want to complain,
you know, if I'm like, "I mean, geez, what's going on?"
you know, or if you want to be reassured, like,
"It'll work itself out."
You know, just kinda go. -This is all very --
You're a natural. You're a natural at this.
-Yes, I was born to do it. -Now, I should say --
small talk, very different from talk-show talk.
-Yes. -Talk-show talk, I mean,
is a very unique skill.
-Talk-show talk, you have to, like, come out with the story.
-Yeah. -And so you can't small talk.
If you're in the elevator, even if it's a big star,
and they can't just talk to strangers and go,
"Oh, my God, wait till you hear what David O. Russell,
on the set -- this is actually very funny..."
[ Laughter ]
By the way, that's my most modern reference.
David O. Russell. Sorry, folks. -David O. Russell, very modern.
-A little behind the times.
-But this is very...
I was surprised to hear that you like small talk.
I would have guessed, if you'd asked,
that you were not a fan of it. -I know that's how people think.
But what bothers me is people that move to New York
and then go, "Oh, I moved here so I don't have to be friendly."
It's like, um, I think you meant to move to the woods.
Because this is a big city with millions of people.
You have to be...
You're gonna have interactions with people.
-And you get excited about --
Now, how short can small talk be before it's...
I mean, I guess how long is it when it's no longer small talk?
-Well, yeah, that's the thing, is leaving.
You know what I mean? -Yeah.
-Leaving the small talk conversation.
Some people go too long.
You know, I'm talking about the weather,
somebody in the elevator, I'm like,
"Boy, weather's crazy."
They're like, "Yeah, yeah, yesterday was...
Next week's supposed to be even crazier."
You're like, "Yeah." "Last week, Tuesday was..."
And then suddenly you're pressing all the buttons.
You can't escape. It's like social media.
-Yeah, but technology has actually kind of helped
create an escape route for it.
-Yeah, the uncomfortable...
When you're done, you ever like to unwind at Starbucks,
and you talk and then you're like,
"Oh, God, there's nothing left to say to this person."
And you sort of half know them,
and you're just both staring and you just feel terrible.
You bust out the phone.
You know what I mean? -Yeah.
-In the old days, you didn't have the phone.
You'd have to whistle, I guess.
I don't know what they were doing.
That's gonna be talk shows.
In five years, this will be every talk show.
What's up, Seth? How you doing?
-Not much, how are you? -Good, good.
Show's doing good. -Yeah, and you got a new show
at the Lucille Lortel.
That's great. -Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, you think that we are making a mistake as a society
because we're not teaching small talk to our children.
-Yes, I feel like we're the personality country.
That was our whole thing -- talk, free speech.
And yet kids get shoved into school like,
"Study hard and you'll be a success."
Is that really...
In this country, either you can count really high
or you better have a great personality.
[ Laughter ]
And yeah, so kids should be walking in, you teach them like,
this is the big leagues.
You're going into society.
The rest of your life's gonna be here, not with your family,
so you'd better get it going, you know?
Walk in, and just -- just memorize,
rehearse a couple of phrases,
not surefire, but close.
You know, like, teach a kid first day of preschool.
Walk in, "Is it me or is this bus driver a little off?"
[ Laughter ]
You know, kids will be like, "I like that kid."
You know, just have a little story.
-Right, so right away, the other kids are like --
-Be like, "Waving goodbye to my Mom,
and you guys shut the doors in my face.
You don't do that."
Work the crowd -- "You get it. This kid gets it."
-So you think I should teach my kids to say,
"You get it, this kid gets it"?
[ Laughter ] -I think that's...
You teach them that, and you teach them this.
If you want them to be successful -- this.
When somebody's talking to you, this works.
[ Light laughter ] -Yeah.
-Absolutely tremendous, yes.
No matter what they say, just say, "Yeah, good point."
And this -- people that go like this
make $40,000 a year more than people that go like this.
-Just to nod along while people are talking.
Nobody likes this. -What if right now you were
talking to me and I was going like this?
You'd be like, "I don't want him back on the show."
You go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
-Oh, I like this. I like what you did there.
-Yes, yes! -But now, you feel like...
This is tricky, because you think
we should teach animals small talk, but obviously...
-No, that's a misconception.
I'm just saying animals...
Animals, because they can't small talk,
that's why they never evolve past that level.
You know, 'cause it's always a staring contest.
Even dogs, who you'd think would know better by this point,
hanging out with us for thousands of years.
They've still got that primal thing
because they can't break...
It's like guys at a nightclub,
like young guys when the music's loud
and they're just staring at each other.
It always turns into a fight.
That's what dogs...
Even when your dogs are, like, pleasant,
there's always that moment you're like,
"Oh, this is gonna go off," you know?
-If dogs could small talk, what sort of things do you think...
Like, what would you want a dog to be able to say to you?
-Just, I don't know, "I like your coat."
"You look good." I don't know. [ Laughter ]
"Hey, did you see that rat? Are you a terrier breed?
You know, well, believe me, in my breed,
rats, we go after them." And I go, "Didn't notice that."
[ Laughter ]
-Just breed details, you'd want to hear explained.
-Yeah, I feel like they would be able to be like,
"They think I'm this mixed breed, but I'm actually this."
Like, "We keep it down in our family, but we're..."
-I have a lot more to ask you.
We'll be right back with more from Colin Quinn, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]