You guys may be wondering
Why I'm here looking
As- as adorable as fuck
Ok, got my swe- I'm here I'm doing my thing
why am I looking so
adorbs today?
Because I'm in here
In solidarity
With the one true fucking hero of America
*Takes Off Glasses*
Ken Bone
*Picture of the one true hero of America*
I look more like a fucking pedophile
Undercover
Now a lot of you are thinking
"Ethan you look fuckin Adorbs
Right now
But why are you dressed that way
And who is Ken Bone?"
Let me explain
Ken Bone during the last presidential debates
Asked
This question
"We have one more question from Ken Bone
About, uh, energy policy, Ken?"
"What steps will your energy policy take
To meet our energy needs?
While at the same time remaining environmentally friendly
And minimizing job loss for fossil power plant workers?"
*Ken Bone, the true American hero*
Pretty normal
Not really note worthy question
But as a result
People just lost their minds,
People just fell in love with Ken Bone
And I mean who can blame 'em
He became a national treasure
People were talking about him on news outlets
On Reddit
On twitter
Everyone loved Ken Bone
And it was all going great for Ken Bone
k
Until one day...
This guy
Does a AMA on reddit
He called it the "Bone Zone" by the way
I mean can the guy get more fuckin' loveable than that?
So everybody enters the "Bone Zone"
But here's where Mr. Bone
Goofed Up
He didn't use a throw away account
This is what a great guy actually Ken Bone is
He has nothing to hide
He embraced who he is
He says
"Look
Look through my past
I'm not running for president, I'm Ken Bone"
And so inevitably everybody
Is... Sifting
Through everything he has ever said on reddit
And almost overnight
Ken Bone goes from national treasure,
To fucking
Jimmy Savile post death, like pedophile
People are doing hit jobs, on this sweet guy dude
*As Ken Bone enjoys his 15 minutes
Social Justice Warriors (SJW) sift through
His reddit history in an attempt to ruin his life*
If you think thats an exaggeration
*takes of glasses* I assure you it's not
listen to this excerpt here
That literally had my Bone blood boiling
*Puts on glasses*
The article said this
*annotations is on screen
*takes of glasses*
Ok, this is what this article
wrote about
this sweet fucking guy here
let me read you what he actually said
to this rape victim.
He says, and I quote you
*Quoting reddit post*
End fucking quote.
This man said that to a fucking rape victim on reddit.
He took the time out of his day to console a perfect stranger and say some beautiful poetry that frankly moves me when I read it.
And these slimy fucks said this about him.
Can you fucking believe the world in?
And...and the title, ok, the titles of these articles?
The fact that he didn't use a throwaway account almost makes him an even better guy because he's like, I have nothing to hide.
I'm a real person, this is who I am. Have a fucking look.
Yeah about Jennifer Lawrence's nudes he wrote this...
And then, well, then he adds...
"I saw her butthole...
*zooming intensifies*
"I saw her butthole...and I liked it."
I can't blame the Bone!
It's Jennifer Lawrence! I mean, guys, anybody who says they didn't look
I bet you fucking Michelle Obama looked at fucking, you know, Jennifer Lawrence's asshole.
It's like, we're only human.
I'm sorry Jennifer Lawrence, it sucks that happened to you.
But the Bone man is right.
He made a wonderful point and he's like yeah, I saw her asshole. It's dope.
You know?
And Michelle Obama, I guarantee you she saw those pictures.
Her and Obama probably had a similar conversation...they're like
Jennifer Lawrence has a fucking nice asshole, I can see the Obama's discussing that
because they're also, like Ken Bone, only human.
OK? What else? What other charges can you lay against the Bone?
Now this one...
This one's just funny, I mean, you gotta just give a standing ovation to him for just leaving this...
...on his Reddit history during his AMA.
This was a thread "Whats the most illegal thing you've done and gotten away with?"
Felony insurance fraud.
Look at this fucking amazing man.
*reading first paragraph*
The guy didn't want to get fired from his fucking pizza job!
*reading second paragraph*
That' just impressive.
That's frankly, you need to get a job...pizza is below you.
You need to step up dude, you're doing some amazing work.
*reading third paragraph*
He's into preggo porn. Oh god forbid dude.
I mean yeah, it's weird. But I, people can't help what they're into. Ok?
I'm personally into Jeff Dunham porn.
I can't help it ok? It may be weird, but I can't get the image of Jeff Dunham's naked body
getting sexual with his puppets.
Instead of his hand he put his other object in it. And that's what gets me rock hard.
Is it strange? Yes! Can I control it? No! Does it make me a bad person? No!
You know who are the creeps?
All you fucking weirdos who sifted through his Reddit history and looked at every single comment and post.
You guys are the fucking peeping toms!
k?
And by the way.
Who ever said he was a great guy?
He never asked for this shit.
It's like, you, everyone put him on a pedestal and then all of a sudden like, let's ruin his fucking life while we're at it!
Like all he did was ask a question at a debate.
He was a good guy who participated in the political process for no gain to himself.
He's a good citizen. He's not there because he's a good person.
He never said "I'm a good person". He's not running for president.
He's not on trial.
He's just a guy. Like all of us.
So I like how people are expecting him for some reason to be like a saint or something, you know.
He's a cuddly beautiful man but he's not a saint. He's just a man like all of us.
But at the end of the day he is a saint actually.
He is. And I take back everything. Ken Bone is a saint.
YES!
And guess whose fault it is? It's the fucking media!
You act like it's his fault, bitch it's your fault.
You're the one who went through his Reddit history and took everything out of context to make this good man looking like a fucking supervillan.
"Will this election cycle drain the good out of everything?" YES!
As long as you fucking assholes are writing stories like this, yes it will because we had a good man.
We had a beacon of hope. And you motherfuckers ruined it!
Shame on you bitch!
You did this!
Fucking Daily Beast, New York Times post, Gizmo, all you motherfuckers should be ashamed.
You should all make written apologies to this fucking fine man because you're actually doing damage to his life.
Imagine being this guy and everyone's like, "oh shit Ken Bone *takes off glasses*, didn't you like rape someone?"
Or like I don't know, there's all this crazy shit going around cause everyone just thinks he's like the worst guy ever.
So I wanna set the record straight.
This is a great man.
He's a good American.
He's an honest American.
Last time I recommended Hugh Mungus and now I'm recommending VP Ken Bone. The ticket...
We as Americans have to stand up for what is good and just in this world.
And we can only do that this election cycle by writing in HughMungus Bone for president and vice president of this America.
God bless. Let honesty and good people reign over this country.
HughMungus Bone for president.
God bless America and may Ken Bone be acquitted of all charges. Thank you.
Look at this fucking god dude, you believe this guy?
He's a fucking teddy bear dude!
I feel totes adorbs right now and I'm only 1/10th the Bone that Ken is.
best outro