I am horrible at selecting Christmas presents,
for two reason that might be obvious
just from looking at me.
(audience laughing)
One is I'm Jewish, so not had a lot of practice with it,
the other is I'm a man.
So I'm really pretty bad at anything interpersonal at all.
A few years ago I was dating a woman
who knew I was a horrible gift getter
because for her birthday, I got her a box of pears.
The fruit, pears.
I remember she opened this box and she says,
"Why did you get me a box of pears?"
And I had my reasons too,
she was living in a graduate dorm
and she was complaining she had no access to fresh food,
so I thought I'd get her an abundance
of her favorite fruit, what is it?
I asked her, she said, "It's figs."
I said figs, she said, "Yes,
fresh figs are like the bounty of the earth."
But her birthday is in late October, there were no figs.
with the entire internet at my disposal
there was nary a fig to be had in the world.
I am on the phone with fig wholesalers,
I'm learning about refrigerated shipping,
I can't get her any figs.
So while I'm waiting
for the clock to tick down to her birthday,
I've got the Harry & David catalog open on the couch,
I see these beautiful looking pears
and that's what I got her.
And in retrospect, I can see why that was a bad choice
'cause it doesn't look like the gift you give a girlfriend.
it looks like the gift you give a client.
(audience laughing)
You know, it doesn't say, "Happy birthday, sweetie."
It says, "Thank you for trusting Wachovia with your 401k."
(audience laughing)
So the following year for Christmas,
she said very explicitly, "I would like a piece of jewelry."
And that is how I found myself in a mall,
looking through these little glass shelves,
all the bracelets and necklaces and earrings
any of which probably would have been a good choice.
And instead I said, "Oh, I should get her that."
And I remember Christmas morning,
she opened the little box and she says,
"Why did you get me pocket watch?"
(audience laughing)
And I answered honestly, I said, "I don't know."
She asked the valid question, she said,
"Do you know any other woman who carries a pocket watch?"
"No, but you're not like any other woman,"
Didn't work.
The following year for Christmas, a month in advance,
her mother sent me an email
saying "She would like an anklet 14 karat gold, a thin chain,
they sell one, just like the ones you would want
at value city, it's $40,
do you need directions?"
(audience laughing)
So I bought her the anklet and then broke up with her.
A couple of years later, I was dating another woman,
a woman named Marina.
And Marina and I had only been together for a couple months,
I thought she might be the one.
And then she invited me to her parents' house for Christmas.
And I knew I was going to have to get her a gift, a good gift,
a gift like people give to people.
Not like financial institutions give to people.
And I remember her saying
that she regretted not having a piano in her apartment
because she liked to play piano
and I couldn't get her a piano,
but I thought I'm going to go
and get her the best electric keyboard I can find.
So I go to Best Buy
and I get this giant keyboard in a box
and the stand for it, the pedal and everything.
And we're opening presents
around her family's Christmas tree at her parents' house,
it was me and her and her brother
and her parents and her grandfather.
And as they start opening presents,
I noticed there's something a little bit different
about the presents at Marina's house.
For them, Christmas is not,
"Here, I got you the latest iPad,"
Especially because of the 2003 and the thing hadn't been
invented yet.
But for them, Christmas is more like,
"Here, I baked those cookies I know you like."
"Here's a book I just finished reading,
I thought you might enjoy reading it next."
"I made a donation in your name to public radio."
(audience cheering)
And as I'm sitting there, I can feel the weight
of this giant keyboard under their tree,
throbbing like a tumor, crushing their tiny presents.
I feel like I brought something horrible and alien
into their idyllic little Christmas.
And Marina opens the keyboard, she likes it,
she says thank you
but I can see her parents give each other a look
and it's a look that either says,
"What does this man expect our daughter to do,
to earn this keyboard?"
Or it says, "What has our daughter already done
for this man, to earn this keyboard?"
Then she gives me her gift
and it's a scrapbook of the first couple of months
of our relationship.
It's beautiful, it's got pictures, inside jokes.
Every page has something that makes me smile.
And I learned that there are two
different types of people who give Christmas gifts.
There are those who give the gift that's expected
or at least the gift is expensive.
And then there are those who give a gift
because that's something that struck them as special.
And all this time, I thought I was the wrong type of person.
It turned out I was just with the wrong type of person.
Marina and I have been married for eight years.
In 2011, she gave birth to our daughter, Maya.
And then in 2014, our son Benjamin,
she keeps finding a way to give me the perfect gifts.
Thanks.