Ah, Hamlet
No Shakespeare title is more universally recognized,
with the possible exception of Romeo and Juliet.
As one of his most iconic plays, it has been produced
over and over again with a myriad of actors and character interpretations.
The tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark,
is the tragic tale of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark,
whose father is murdered and kingdom usurped by his evil uncle.
Urged on by the ghost of his father, he attempts to exact vengeance on said uncle and regain his kingdom.
Statistically, you recognize this as the plot of the Lion King.
Our story begins on the battlements of this castle.
Resembling a veritable horror movie,
We are told with rapid camera cuts and bright
flashes of light
that a ghost is haunting the castle.
Specifically, a ghost that bares an uncanny resemblance to...
BRIAN BLESSED!
That is, the dead king, apparently.
The ghost has appeared the last few nights and the guards have decided
to bring in a named, non-disposable character to check it out,
which is a remarkably savvy decision for a character
in a movie whose description can be summed up as
"That one guy in the armor"
And so we are introduced to Horatio--good buddy to Hamlet--
who appears in all his tweed-clad, British glory
vehemently declaring that the ghost will definetely NOT appear
AT ALL
Which it then, in true horror movie fashion, proceeds to do.
Horatio, recognizing both that this armor-clad ghost as a foreboding omen of foreshadowing
AND that his secondary character status is not good enough to impress the ghost into speaking,
suggests that they bring Hamlet to meet it
so that maybe the ghost might actually DO something besides staring at them.
BACKSTORY TIME!!!
Apparently, the kingdom is in a fervor of weapons making
because the previous king
(now deceased)
killed Norway's king, Fortinbras,
and conquered a good chunk of his land,
and now Fortinbras, the son of Norway's old king
(now deceased)
wants it back.
The weapons are for the country's defense
because patricide fueled retribution tends to stink for everyone involved.
FORESHADOWING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Cut to the court, where assorted noblemen have assembled to witness
the marriage between the king and her dead husband's brother.
For a recent widow, she seems to be taking this
immediate re-marriage concept remarkably well.
Hamlet's uncle
(now the king)
tells us: "Now I understand that my brother died mysteriously not two months ago.
And I believe we should mourn him in the most respectful way possible...
... BY PARTYING!!!"
But before that business...
We are now introduced to three more named characters:
Laertes,
Ophelia,
and Polonius.
Laertes is Ophelia's brother and--
Wait, wait. Hold up a second...
*Gasp!*
POLONIUS IS THAT OLD GUY!!
AWESOME!!
I sure hope he doesn't wind up dead!
Oh, wait...
Anyway, Laertes requests permission to return to France,
but nobody cares about him because he won't become relevant for at least another three hours.
Uncle-Dad starts talking about how great it is to have a Son-Nephew like Hamlet
And it's pretty obvious that the feeling is FAR from mutual.
So, Uncle-Dad is like:
"Are you still on about that whole 'dead father' thing?
Come on, Hamlet, it's been like two months!
Which should be more than enough time to get over the tragic and sudden death
of the man who raised you while you were abroad, studying in England
and couldn't be with him in his final moments
After all, statistically speaking, the vast majority of ALL fathers are dead so this is nothing special!"
Hamlet's mom persuades Hamlet to stay at home and NOT return to his studies in England.
Given that the last time he went abroad to study, his father died, this is not the hardest task to accomplish.
And then she and Uncle-Dad frolic merrily off to the bedroom,
leaving Hamlet alone and angst-ridden in a large scenic room with excellent acoustics.
Unsurprisingly, soliloquies ensue.
Horatio appears again!
He tells Hamlet that he's seen the ghost of his father
(Hamlet Sr., the deceased one)
So Hamlet decides to go find out what all the fuss is about.
And back to the others again!
It...really doesn't feel like this is Hamlet's play at all...
Anyway, it is revealed that Ophelia is Hamlet's primary love interest.
So of course, Laertes and Polonius,
(her brother and her father respectively)
waste no time in telling her to stay away from him!
Because nothing is worse for a girl than the handsome heir to a wealthy kingdom
Ophelia agrees to spurn Hamlet's affections
Sure hope THAT doesn't go horribly wrong!
Oh...wait
That night, Hamlet goes to the battlement with Horatio and a couple guards.
Where Hamlet Sr. appears in full BRIAN BLESSED-ey glory.
Hamlet,
against the warnings of both the guards, Horatio and common sense,
opts to follow the ghost into a terrifying, skeletal forest
Where the horror movie trend continues when...
*in film* Mark... me...
*AHEM!* That is, the ghost speaks for the first time!
The ghost tells Hamlet of his
FOUL AND UNNATURAL MURDER
at the hands of his brother, Uncle-Dad
and tells Hamlet to avenge him.
And Hamlet, who was one more awkward touching away from stabbing his uncle anyway,
is very grateful for the legitimate reason to hate him and swears to avenge his father's death.
Brian Blessed vanishes and Horatio and the guards burst through the trees,
where Hamlet makes them swear to never reveal what they saw.
They--
*Jumpscare*
Shortly thereafter, Ophelia comes running to that old guy in a state of great distress
Apparently, Hamlet accosted her, stared at her all tragically and then ran off.
Almost as if he regretted having to abandon her for some greater purpose in his life,
Hmm...
That old guy discerns with great ingenuity that maybe, JUST MAYBE
Hamlet is a bit upset because of that whole "Ophelia spurning his affections" thing.
Because AMAZINGLY,
nobody in the entirety of Denmark thinks that it might be because his dad died barely two months ago.
But no. Love is in the air and Hamlet must be MAD with it.
That old guy goes to talk to Uncle-Dad about it.
Who decides to enlist the aid of two of Hamlet's friends from England:
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern,
to figure out what's REALLY bothering him
and to keep a close eye on him and make sure he doesn't do anything too destructive.
Like say... Avunculate Patricide.
Hamlet is thrilled to see his old friends again
but realizes very quickly that they've been put there to spy on him.
Which leaves him distinctly miffed.
But what's this? A group of actors has come to town!
Hamlet decides to enlist their aid in determining Uncle Scar's guilt before he does any murdering,
by having them put on a production that mimics the way that Uncle Scar supposedly killed the old king.
If either Hamlet or Horatio sees any slight, subtle change in the kings behavior,
his guilt will be assured and Hamlet will take "swift"" vengeance on him.
If he doesn't change at all, the the ghost of Brian Blessed was clearly lying and no vengeance will be necessary.
Then Hamlet, having been left alone again,
soliloquizes once more!
Specifically about how stupid it is to resolve all personal issues through
agonizingly long soliloquies.
No 455 truer words...
... could be said.
So Hamlet and Ophelia go to talk about couple things while Polonius and Uncle-Dad eavesdrop
to try and figure out if Hamlet is mad with love or just mad with...madness.
Hamlet quickly figures out that he's being spied on... again.
And gets even more miffed then previously
*old man voice* I'm gettin' too old for this!
Anyway, the play within a play is produced and sure enough...
UNCLE-DAD FREAKS OUT!
This annoys Hamlet's mom, who goes to have a serious talk with Hamlet about traumatizing his step-parents.
And Polonius decides to eavesdrop YET AGAIN
But before Hamlet goes in to talk with her, he needs to remind himself to not stab her.
At all costs: not to stab his mom.
You know, it's just the smallest things you forget that can just ruin a conversation.
While heading to her room, he passes Uncle-Dad
preoccupied and defenseless, praying for forgiveness for his sins in the chapel.
Hamlet, never one to pass up a golden opportunity for avuncular patricide...
EXCEPT, LIKE, EVERY OTHER TIME IN THE PLAY THAT ONE OCCURS
decides to kill him right then and there and solve the problem for good.
Unfortunately, though, his Uncle is praying and Hamlet reasons that killing him might send his soul to heaven.
So he runs off, instead.
Then, of course, Uncle-Dad says:
"Man! Sure is a good thing no one stabbed me or anything while I was praying! I mean...
It's not like those prayers were REAL or anything."
Hamlet angrily tells his mom that not only is her marriage to Uncle-Dad disrespectful of his dead father,
It's also REALLY gross!
She freaks out, and that old guy attempts to help her.
Hamlet, thinking that that old guy is his uncle,
and THOROUGHLY sick of all the eavesdropping at this point,
leaps on him and stabs him repeatedly.
Whoops...
*old man voice* I'm gettin' too dead for this!
*DING!* Hamlet and his mom continue their argument while that old guy slowly cools in the corner,
and Hamlet pulls out pictures of his dad and his uncle with a veritable 10/10 "would marry" rating for his father...
and a 2/10 "would not usurp" for his uncle.
Hamlet's mom sees the error of her ways, finally understanding that it's kinda gross to marry your brother-in-law.
Hamlet decides that his work there is done and runs off to hide the corpse somewhere.
OUR PROTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!
Incidentally, this scene has been the subject of a ludicrous number of interpretations,
including one from the Freudian Era where Hamlet takes the opportunity to KISS HIS MOM,
thus both devaluing his complaints of incest,
and once more proving that FREUD RUINS ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD.
So Uncle-Dad decides that Hamlet is too dangerous--
what with all the attempted murder,
so he decides to ship him off to England with Rosencrantz, Guildenstern
and orders for him to be killed on arrival!
Ophelia is informed of her father's death and takes the news...
*Ophelia screams in film*
...poorly.
But, wait! A character from the beginning of the play has appeared!
And his name is Fortinbras, son of Fortinbras.
He's making trouble at the border and making it quite clear that he's having none of the 'stole it fair and square' business from Uncle-Dad
Here's hoping THAT doesn't cause trouble later!
Oh... wait...
So Ophelia's gone CRAZY!
Full on straitjacket and padded helmet, "Somebody stop me!" crazy
She runs around, singing inappropriate songs and generally making everyone feel HILARIOUSLY uncomfortable for a bit.
But then, as was introduced at the beginning of the play, Laertes appears!
*BOING!*
Laertes? Remember him?
Eh... her... older brother?
Looked a bit like Edgar Allan Poe?
YEAH, THAT LOSER
Enraged by the death of his father and the subsequent madness of his sister,
he is determined to take vengeance on the man responsible!
And as we know... that would be Hamlet.
Nice going, hero
It's time for yet another scene change!
Horatio receives letters from Hamlet, detailing how he was captured by pirates on route to England, but will be returning to Denmark shortly.
Horatio tells the king, who promptly begins updating his schemes to include this new installment.
So Laertes and Uncle-Dad start plotting Hamlet's death but... try to make it look like an accident
so that the people don't freak out too much when the favorite Prince of Denmark kicks the bucket.
Uncle-Dad suggests that they arrange a fencing match between the two of them
but give Laertes an actual pointed sword rather than a foil.
Laertes sees this pointed sword and raises him one vial of untreatable poison,
which he apparently carries with him in his breast pocket everywhere.
Which Uncle-Dad sees and raises one poisoned wine glass in case stabbing Hamlet with a poisoned, pointed sword doesn't...
... kill him fast enough for their liking, or something. I don't know.
There's no kill like "over-kill", I guess.
The the queen comes in with her "more serious than normal" face on and tells us that Ophelia's dead.
*DING!* Apparently, she drowned in the river
because nobody thought to pull the CRAZY LADY out of the water BEFORE SHE WENT UNDER.
Such a tragic turn of events never could have been foreseen or prevented!
Oh......... Wait...
So Hamlet's back in the play and chilling with Horatio.
They walk into the graveyard scene, where two comic relief characters
with hilariously inappropriate Brooklyn accents
are talking about burying some noblewoman of uncertain death circumstances.
I wonder who THAT could be!
Hamlet notes that maybe, just maybe, this gravedigger isn't taking his job terribly seriously.
And...soliloquy.
Hamlet muses on death--
truly a novel subject in this play--
considering how undistinguished one skull is from another.
Horatio stares awkwardly, and considers how those soliloquies look SO SHORT on paper.
Suddenly, here comes the court of Denmark! Carrying with them, a coffin!
Hamlet and Horatio hide to watch the funeral for...
*gasp* Ophelia!
This freaks Hamlet out more than a little.
Laertes begins an overly dramatic sequence of angry mourning--
and at the risk of being out-hammed in his own play--
Hamlet leaps out of hiding and has a flipping-out contest with Laertes
*in film* I shall eat a crocodile!
I'll do it--
*back to the review* Back at the castle, Hamlet recounts his harrowing, off-screen adventure
in which he uses his creative-writing skills to escape a beheading!
WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, ENGLISH STUDENTS?!
Anyway, Hamlet has sent Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to their deaths for betraying him.
Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!
*DING!* *DING!*
Hamlet is informed by a distinctly boot-kissing soldier of his impending duel with Laertes,
sponsored by his Uncle-Dad.
Meanwhile at the border, Fortinbras--
still a character!--
begins to march on Denmark.
The fight begins!
Hamlet proceeds to thoroughly kick Laertes' butt for the first two rounds
Hamlet's mom accidently drinks from the poisoned goblet,
proving that one should never leave brightly colored toxic substances within the reach of nobility.
Laertes hits Hamlet in the shoulder while his back is turned,
which pisses Hamlet off enough to make their fight even MORE epic.
During the showdown, their swords are exchanged and Hamlet hits Laertes with his own sword.
A treacherous plot backfires on the instigator?
INCONCEIVABLE!
So Laertes explains to Hamlet how they're both equally dead.
Although, having just fallen off a balcony onto his spine, Laertes is slightly MORE dead.
Hamlet's mom picks this EXACT MOMENT to drop dead of the poison
*DING!* and Hamlet begins to get the feeling that maybe... just maybe
there was some foul play behind this Uncle-Dad sponsored duel to the death.
Taking a "better late then never attitude", Hamlet finally,
FINALLY gets around to killing his uncle
with poison sword, poison goblet and...
decorative chandelier?
I don't remember reading THAT in the stage directions.
Anyway, Uncle-Dad dies
*DING!* shortly there afterwards, Laertes stops soliloquizing and is presumed dead.
*DING!* Hamlet urges to tell Horatio the tragic tale of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, and then drops dead, too.
*DING!* Fortinbras bursts in, guns blazing, sees the room full of corpses,
and echoes the thought most of the audience is sharing at this point:
"What in the HECK just happened?!"