- This video is sponsored by ButcherBox.
- Ah! No one's around.
Ah, just me and the Sugar Balls!
Finally, I get to taste the sweet sugary Sugar Balls!
I'm b-b-b-b-bonkers for Sugar Balls!
(alarm blares) (screams)
- Goofy squirrel, Sugar Balls are for us, not you.
- Aw man, please?
- Sorry, squirrel, but you'll never try these Sugar Balls.
- But, I- - Hey!
What do you not get?
You will never eat this.
- But I... I just want to try a little-
- Hey, pal!
It's not gonna (beep) happen.
- Are you dumb or something?
- Answer her. You dumb?
- No, at least I don't think I am.
- Well, you're arguing as if you're gonna get
to try this cereal.
- Yeah. Like that'll ever (beep) happen
when we've made it crystal clear, squirrel,
that you will never eat this.
- Say it.
- Say what?
- Say, "I will never try this cereal as long as I live."
- No! No, I don't want to!
What-
(knife squelches)
Ah! Oh god!
Ah! I'm bleeding out.
Ah! Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
I'll never try Sugar Balls.
- For as long as you live.
- Okay, for as long as I live!
- Now get out of here!
- Go!
- Ah!
- Go! (screams)
- (laughs) Goofy squirrel.
- He's so silly! (laughs)
- [Narrator] Every kids commercial ever.
- Wait, wait, wait, stop the video.
I got something to say.
And yes, this is a real ad in the middle of fake ads,
and I am still a squirrel
because I can't get out of this costume.
Please help me.
Do you want access to high quality meat
at an affordable price and never have to pay for shipping?
Who doesn't?
Well then let me introduce you to ButcherBox.
With ButcherBox you get 100% grass-fed beef,
free-range organic chicken, and more delivered
right to your door, saving you time and money.
Plus if you order today and today only
you'll get free wings for the lifetime of your membership.
That's a lot of wings.
ButcherBox also cares about the lives of animals
and the livelihoods of farmers,
which is very important to me, a squirrel.
Sustainability is also a top priority for them,
which is something that I, as a squirrel,
am always petitioning for.
So sign up for your first ButcherBox right now.
New members who sign up today receive three pounds
of organic chicken wings free in every ButcherBox
for the lifetime of their membership.
That's so many fricking wings.
Can you even-
Can you even fricking imagine?
By the time you're like 80, you will have,
you will have so many wings.
You will have so many fricking wings.
And you know me, a squirrel.
We like to stash away a lot of food for the winter.
Now you can do the same with all these wings.
Thanks, ButcherBox.
- (groans) I'm bored.
I wish there was something to do.
- Oh, I have an idea!
We can play with my Mightyman action figures.
- Whoa!
- [Both] Whoa! Mightyman!
- That's right!
(beep)
- Oh God, ow!
- Willy! Zoe! I need your help
to defeat the evil Duke of Darkness!
- I'm the Duke of Darkness and I will rule this realm!
(laughs)
- Quick! Stop him! Only you can do it!
- Time to get mighty!
- Stab, stab!
- Oh (beep), ow! You cut me!
- Yes, you're no match for the Duke of Darkness! (laughs)
- Uh... Quick, Zoe, it's your turn!
- I'm not fighting that ghoul. I'm eight.
(laughs)
- Oh, I remembered there's another kid who needs my help.
- I need to go to the hospital.
- Stab!
- Oh! (groans)
(laughs)
- The heart. (groans)
- [Duke Of Darkness] Another child stabbed!
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
- [Narrator] Call now!
- I'm a busy kid.
But in order to stay busy, I need protein and fast.
That's why I eat Hummus -n- Go!
delicious hummus packets you can squeeze
directly into your mouth and fast.
Cause I don't have time to sit down and eat hummus
and it comes in all sorts of flavors too.
Like olive tapenade,
sun-dried tomato,
and blue razz!
(crowd cheers)
Thanks to Hummus -n- Go, now I'm ready to tackle the-
(retches)
Hummus -n- Go! It's for kids.
- [Narrator] Flavor blast!
- Go, Mario! It's time to become dragonborn.
- Dude! You got to try the new Tropical Fruit Blasters.
They'll take you to a whole 'nother world.
- Oh yeah? Let's see.
(groans)
(both scream)
Wow!
- [Narrator] Now you can have a blast anywhere, anytime,
all the time.
- A tropical island?
This'll never get old!
(surf music)
(muffled) Wow!
(hoots)
♪ Come on, let's have some fun ♪
(drums beat)
Wow!
♪ Come on ♪
Tigers!
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Whoa-Oh ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Tropical island ♪
How do I get home?
- [Narrator] You don't get to go home.
- I'm 12 years old.
- [Narrator] I don't know what to tell you!
You ate the popsicle!
- What are we gonna do, bongo?
- Gee, I don't know.
Maybe let's kiss a little while we think.
- I'm not gonna kiss you, bongo.
Your lips are gross.
- Aw, come on. Yours ain't no prize either.
Let's just smooch about it.
- I used tiger blood to paint your face.
I don't want to kiss that.
- Oh, so you made your bed
and now you don't want to lie in it.
I see what it is.
♪ Come on, let's have some fun ♪
- [Narrator] Extreme!
- This keeps happening to more and more kids
who eat fruit snacks.
The effects are irreversible.
I'm so sorry, but there's nothing we can do
to fix your child.
- Oh, God, no!
(cries)
Oh, my poor child!
- This hasn't been scientifically studied,
but she could try eating a human.
Anything to get rid of that.
God.
- [Narrator] Hey kids!
- This is my Baby Take Care of Me.
She's just like a real baby.
This is how I feed her.
(baby cries)
- Oh! Ha! Oh, oh no, not again!
All right, that's not what she wanted!
So now I just have to, um, subtly rock her like this
and not too much more, and, uh...
and I hope she goes to sleep!
If she doesn't, I'll do something else!
- Uh, let's play another game.
- No, Grace, I have a baby now.
I don't do games anymore.
I do this.
(baby cries)
- Okay. Well, I'm gonna go play somewhere else.
- Oh, wow, really? You're gonna play somewhere else?
That must be fricking nice.
Way to rub it in!
- [Narrator] I'm Baby Take Care of Me.
I'll ruin your life.
That's me.
- [Narrator] Capitalism.
- Mm! How did they get so much flavor
packed into every piece of Crunchie's Corn Pops?
- [Narrator] Do you really, really, really want to know?
- Yes!
- [Narrator] Do you really, really, really want to know?
- Yes, I do, I do!
- [Narrator] Do you really, really, really, really
want to know?
- Yes, please, please, please, please, please!
- Well, we start by adding water to corn.
We got about a hundred under paid workers over there
busting their asses, you know.
It takes about 12 hours to make one box ethically.
But, however, if we really push 'em hard enough
they get one box in under about four hours.
Come over here.
We'll show you where we keep
all the fingers we find laying around.
- [Narrator] Corn Pops. Most boxes don't have fingers.
(cereal crunches)
Thanks to ButcherBox for sponsoring this video.
- Hey, kids, it's the Duke of Darkness here.
Come buy my toy!
It comes with a real knife, not this fake one.
A real knife.
Stab your friends.
(groans)
You, hey, hey, this is my commercial.
(knife stabs) (groans)
Only at Dollar General.