Hey there, pal.
Hey.
Do you remember a lot of those moments?
You know what?
I actually looked up my first performance last night
with some friends, because they were like,
you're doing Ellen tomorrow?
And I was like, yeah.
They were like, how many times have you done it?
And this is my 10th time.
Yeah.
So it was so cool to tell them that.
And I was like, I've known her since I was like 15.
And I just am so happy to be here with you.
I'm happy to be here.
I love you, and you know how much I love you.
I text you every performance.
And I don't think that--
You really do--
I do.
I just--
--and it means so much.
I thought you were so great at the Super Bowl.
I thought you sounded amazing.
[CHEERING]
And that performance on the Grammys
was absolutely beautiful.
You wrote that song.
Thank you.
Yes, I co-wrote it.
Yeah.
It's a beautiful song.
And I say it all the time.
I just love your spirit.
I love who you are.
I love your talent.
Thank you.
And you have just gone through--
Well, I love you.
Well, thank you.
But you have gone through so much.
And I want to talk about as much as you
want to talk about today.
Yeah, absolutely.
But first, I want to start by talking about--
so you've been honest about your eating disorder,
that you had an eating disorder.
I just learned today that, for the last six years, the team--
you're no longer with this team, but there
was a team that used to handle everything before you got here.
They were told to hide all of the sugar
and put everything away so that when
you got to your dressing room-- even backstage--
there was no sugar anywhere near.
Yeah.
Did you know that was happening?
I didn't know that until today, too.
But I lived a life, for the past six years,
that I felt like wasn't my own, because I struggled really
hard with an eating disorder, yes,
and that was my primary problem.
And then it turned into other things.
But my life, I just felt, was so--
and I hate to use this word, but I
felt like it was controlled by so many people around me,
that if I was in my hotel room at night,
they would take the phone out of the hotel room
so I couldn't call room service.
Or if there was fruit in my room,
they took it out, because that's extra sugar.
We're not talking about brownies, and cookies,
and candies, and stuff like that.
It's like, it was fruit, you know?
And for many years, I didn't even have a birthday cake.
I had a watermelon cake, where you cut your watermelon
into the shape of the cake, and then you
put fat free whipped cream on top.
And that was your cake.
And so for years, I did that.
And it kind of became this ongoing joke.
But I just really wanted birthday cake.
And so this year, when I turned 27--
I have a new team, and Scooter Braun, my manager,
gave me the best birthday cake.
And I spent it with Ariana Grande,
who is one of my good friends.
And we just had the best birthday.
And I just remember crying, because I was finally
eating cake with a manager that didn't need anything from me
and that loved me for who I am and supported my journey.
I think, at some point, it becomes
dangerous to try to control someone's food when
they're in recovery from an eating disorder.
Yeah.
And the reason that you have an eating disorder
is because you were controlling it yourself, trying to--
Portia wrote a book about this, and--
Yes.
--she got down to 80 pounds.
This is before I met her.
But she almost died.
She got down to 80 pounds.
And she had decided to not withhold anymore.
So she gained weight with anything she ate.
And when I met her, she was at her heaviest at 160 pounds.
And I didn't notice it.
That's when I fell in love with her.
And she was scared that I would meet her
at 165 pounds, when I just thought
she was a beautiful person.
And you are a beautiful person--
Thank you.
--and you need to eat whatever you want to eat and not
withhold [INAUDIBLE].
[CHEERING]
That's how your body figures it out.
Yeah, and I had a moment this Saturday
where I spent it alone.
It was a Saturday night, and I was like, you know what?
It's a self-care night.
I am going to take a bath, get a massage.
And I just had this moment of happiness
after taking care of myself where I was just like--
I started laughing by myself in my room.
And the phrase that kept repeating in my head
was, you were completely whole as you are, without anybody,
without substances, without this food, without whatever.
Like, you are good, girl.
Yes, [INAUDIBLE].
And that's what I want everyone to know.
And that's why the song that I have coming out is called
"I Love Me."
We are good by ourselves.
We don't need a partner.
We don't need--
[APPLAUSE]
--substance.
We're good.
[APPLAUSE]
You are good.
We're going to take a break.
We're going to talk about the relapse,
and we're going to talk about everything that you are,
which is magnificent.
Thank you.
We'll be right back.
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos,
like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,
like ball peen hammer, and also some videos of Ellen
and other celebrities, if you're into that sort of thing.
Ah!
[SCREAMS] [BLEEP] God!
[BLEEP]