- I placed my daughter for adoption at 19.
Should I tell her I'm her birth mom?
Yes or no?
(compelling music)
- I feel like there's so many factors that go into this.
It's not as simple, like, yes or no.
Something like this could really,
like, shake their whole world.
And are you healthy?
Are you healthy enough to be
in her life right now? You know?
And it's just a lot.
- I'm kind of in the middle because, like,
if the child wants to reach out
to know their birth mom, 100%.
- I think that perhaps she should have a conversation
with the parents first and make sure that they know,
and then getting their consent, basically.
(beep)
- I see my 11 year old daughter often.
And she doesn't know I'm her birth mom.
- Oh. - Ooh.
- [Director] Does that change any of your minds?
- So after hearing that, that she's 11 years old,
I changed my mind because she's young.
If she had been 18, it'd be a different story.
- I think I wanna go over here.
It's the 11 part that's like..
- I'm like you. I'm, like, in the middle.
- It's very much in the middle.
- Because.. - I'm coming over.
She's so young.
And to, like, get thrown that information at 11,
it could go negatively, positively.
And I feel like... (sighs)
- Well, if we take out the age, and we say...
'cuz we didn't say she has to tell her this week.
So how would y'all feel about telling her, you know,
when she's 18 or whatever, just at any point.
- Yeah, but think of yourself, like, as an 11 year old
And think of yourself as, like,
a 17, 18 year old finding it out.
I personally would rather find out at 11 than 18
- I think I'm gonna switch.
- 'Cause then I would get more upset.
- I'm gonna switch. (laughter)
I'm gonna switch.
When I think about 11, she's still innocent.
She's still got that innocent in her.
By the time she's 13, we're...
our periods, our boobs are coming, our minds are all...
We already got enough problems at 13, okay?
- How I see it is I did have an 11 year old boy
that I had in my life who
(laughs) was asked to be put
into me and my ex-husband's life.
And he knew everything.
And how he saw it is he was happy
that there was somebody else who loved him.
Why is it a bad thing that there was another person
who loved this little girl so much
that she wanted to give her a better life?
Why not give that positive aspect to her?
Like, I am another person who loves you
and has been watching out for you
from afar like a guardian angel.
(beep)
- If I reveal my identity, my birth daughter could
possibly have a relationship with her half brother,
my 10 month old.
- [Director] At this point, does that change anyone's minds?
- Welcome back.
- Being a parent and...
you know, I went through surrogacy
but possibly have gone through adoption before.
And even when we were going through adoption,
we were always like, yes, we're always gonna tell
this kid where they come from, who their parents are
so that we can be open in communication.
- Right.
- But that was our decision in the process being a parent.
So these parents now who have taken over the adoption,
they have a right to be able to say
whether or not they wanna know.
- Yeah, I second that.
I feel like a huge part of identity is just
knowing where you come from.
And it's almost counterproductive to her growth
and her development to, like, not be enlightened
of, like, where she comes from, you know?
- I moved because I'm personally adopted.
And I don't know how I would feel knowing
that my birth mom was in my life
for so long and knowing I was adopted
and just, like, having all those questions
and just not getting the answers and my mom lying to me.
So I just feel like
if you're open and honest now, it's better.
- They'll understand.
But it's not traumatizing as much...
- Yeah.
- As, like, 18.
And you already got your life going.
- Right. - Exactly.
And you did it for a reason, I assume.
Like, I believe my birth mom put me up for adoption
because she couldn't take care of me.
And I have this amazing life now because of that decision.
Of course, there was some resentment and, like, ah,
you didn't want me, da, da, da.
But, like, when I got older and stuff,
I realized that it was all for the best of me.
And that's also a big thing.
So kudos to you.
That was definitely a hard decision, I believe.
- As someone who has three half siblings
who I love with all my heart,
but, like, I wish I had a stronger relationship
with them and did not get to grow up with them,
I feel like adding that value
to the child's life would be amazing.
- I think what keeps me here, like, I like what a lot
of you guys are saying and what we're saying too.
This needs to include the parents
because the child could also have
other brothers and sisters in the child's new family.
(beep)
- I specifically chose a gay couple,
so she has two dads, with the intention
of not having the issue of the mother later
because I knew I wanted to be in her life.
I have gotten permission from them multiple times
and was given that as, like, one
of the criterias of the adoption.
And I am treading extremely lightly around them.
And they just continue to choose to not tell her.
(beep)
- I think naturally, she's gonna
have questions about her mom.
She's getting to the age where, like,
she's gonna hit puberty and be like,
oh, you guys don't know about periods.
How do I do this?
What female...
- I don't think you should say that. (laughs)
That's problematic. (laughs)
- [Leesie] Okay. Wait, wait, wait.
- [Kiohona] Because they're two gay guys that...
- Wait. Are we asking questions or...
- That they won't be able to,
you know, be able to tell her how
to take care of herself.
- That's true.
- I'm pretty sure that they had...
- I meant, like, the way, like...
- I would hope so.
- Like putting in a tampon, you know?
- Yeah, I mean, that's what they signed up for,
to have a little girl, is to show her
how to take care of herself.
- I'm curious, what is their reason
for not wanting to let you tell them?
- They haven't given me one.
I've been told it will happen.
Multiple times, it's been,
oh, she's starting to ask questions.
We should sit down and talk about it.
And then when I set up the meeting,
we don't discuss it.
- Okay, that changes my mind.
I think that's not fair
that they're not giving a timeframe for you.
I plan to have kids myself too.
And I'm not gonna lie to them.
You know, two guys, we can't make a child.
So I'm gonna say, like, there is a woman that is your mom.
- I'm gay. And I have a husband,
and I have two daughters.
Our two girls know everything.
We've told them everything. They know everything.
I don't know the reason why they're not telling her.
All I know is that as a gay man
who has two daughters
and who are constantly, you know,
having comments like that come to us like,
oh, what are you gonna do when they turn 13?
Because, you know, you don't know.
You know, you're not a woman.
You don't know these things.
I have many strong women in our lives,
like, my husband and I.
And we're gonna lean on them when that happens.
But for that 11 year old to be approached
by you and say that I'm your mom,
in her eyes, yes, that would be fantastic.
But those two guys are now gonna be looked at as someone
that this little girl cannot trust anymore.
And that's what's getting me.
- If you were to tell her without their permission, right,
what would be the aftermath of that?
- Well, I would never.
Just like you're saying,
they do have strong women around them already.
I never want to assert my dominance
because I gave up that right.
And I gave them the the option
to choose which women they want in their lives
to fill that kind of motherly role.
- I have one quick question for you.
I just wanna ask, like, more clarity
as someone who doesn't have that perspective.
Like, why do you think the child would lose
trust potentially in the parents?
- I think it's a huge thing to keep this away from her.
I think an 11 year old is very smart.
It's just very concerning to me, you know,
that this huge thing that will impact
this little 11-year-old girl's life
doesn't come from her two dads.
- Okay. - And will come from you.
And I'm sure you're a wonderful person.
You have all the great intention in the world.
But I think that needs to be made by the two dads.
- Your story was very moving, right,
'cause I want to be a father one day.
If I were you, I'd be more assertive and, like,
get, like, a timeframe.
Like, say, okay, well, let's kind of flesh this out.
- I agree on that.
I do think she should be told.
But I think she should be told by her parents.
- I think there's very unclarity of what...
- [Director] Let's wait one minute.
Aurora, what's your thought process here?
- I have firm faith that they will meet you halfway,
and you'll be able to have that moment.
But you can't do it on your own.
- If I were to put myself in your
daughter's positions because I also am adopted,
if my birth mom came to me and was like, I'm your mother,
and my parents knew and didn't tell me first,
that's where I feel like the distrust would come from.
Do you feel like you want to be her mother again?
Is that, like, part of your intention?
- No.
I'm a huge ally.
And I chose gay dads because I knew that they would be...
I knew that she would be loved,
like, what I wasn't able to do at the time.
- Thank you for that. That's awesome.
- But I don't have their perspective at all.
I'm a cis (laughs) heterosexual woman.
And I haven't gone through anything
that they've gone through.
- I switched because I don't think it's a good idea
for her to tell her daughter.
I don't think that's okay because then she will be like,
you lied to me my whole life, you know, to her dads
if she's hearing it from her.
But at the end of the day,
it's not like it can't be the end and be all
for the rest of her life though at the same time.
So yeah, somebody's gotta tell her.
(compelling music)
(beep)
- [Erik] Just that trust issue is just
so huge for me as a parent.
- [Kiohona] Definitively, they're lying.
- [Angelica] Yeah.
- [Kiohona] And you have to put yourself
in the position of being lied to.
When are they gonna be ready?
- [Leesie] She kept talking about her needs, right?
If she tells the kid before the parents do,
the parents can fully be like, I don't trust you anymore.
- [Angelica] The whole point is
for her to stand her ground.
Setting all morals aside, it's legally binding
that they have to tell her.
- [Erik] She doesn't see the whole 360 degree picture
in that house what's discussed.
And so for her to come in and just reveal this huge amount
of news can be very, very life damaging to the little girl.
- I think my last piece of advice
to you is definitely be strong in what you want.
Be direct.
Redirect the conversation if you have to.
If you have to take initiative, take it
because I will say when I didn't,
I regretted it for the rest of my life.
And I don't want you to live through that.
- You're amazing for doing what you did.
I respect you for that, for specifically,
you know, placing them in that place.
But I also think that there's a lot
more people involved and not just you.
You owe it to her to be honest
and to be trust and to be patient.
And you owe it to them to be patient.
You know, it's been 11 years.
I think you can be patient a little longer
and let the dads do it on their time.
They said that they will.
And I think that should be respected.
(compelling music)
(beep)
- All right, Paige, have you made your decision?
- Yes.
(laughs)
- You're amazing.
- You are great. You're so great.
- It'll work out for the best.
- Yeah. - It will.
- What you did was selfless.
- I'm excited for you.
When it's finally out there and that reconnection
and all that love that you can give
to her now, ugh, just openly.
I'm really excited for her and for you.
(beep)
- [Paige] The whole experience kind of allowed me
to have all of the perspectives that I was missing.
And so to have an unbiased gay man tell me,
no, you know, I think we need
to settle down and kind of go
at the pace of the parents was definitely impactful.
I hope that other birth moms as well
as myself can really feel validated
in our decisions and get our needs met
even if that means not getting what we actually want
but just maybe try to find something else
that will bring that peace and relief.