- I think it's, like, really opened my eyes,
like, how much power keeping these clothes actually has.
'Cause now, like, if I didn't have those clothes
if I had just gotten rid of them before,
like, I wouldn't be sitting here crying.
(calm synth music)
Hey, I'm May, and today we're going to be talking
about how we're learning to accept and love our bodies
after they've been through some changes.
I've been pretty open about my journey
with having an eating disorder.
Basically, I developed Anorexia fall of 2019
and lost a lot of weight.
My weight was way, way, way down.
I was smaller than I ever had been.
And then I went through recovery.
So, my weight increased through then.
And then past that,
I've been struggling with another form of eating disorder
called Binge Eating Disorder
that has caused me to gain a lot more weight.
- I've always had a weird relationship
with my body growing up.
I went from being the chubby kid to the first person
in my elementary school to hit puberty,
to the awkward curvy teenager,
and now a plus size women that I am today.
When New York City shut down,
I had just moved and I was living by myself.
I was in the middle of my semester at school
and Ramadan was around the corner.
So, it was a lot of things going on at the same time.
Before the pandemic, I was a lot more active.
I grew up in dance from the ages of like 3 to 15
and then I had gotten sick,
which had severely impacted my weight.
I had lost like 50 or 60 pounds in a year
without, like, working out unintentionally.
And then during treatment,
I had started gaining that weight back.
And my weight was just all over the place.
- For me, my weight gain was a marker of my loss of control.
What I want to work on, through this video, is focusing
on allowing myself to just accept my body for what it is
because my body is literally protecting me,
keeping me alive.
- When Ramadan came around that's where I really started
to see the changes in my body.
To go from being dependent on food
to now abstaining from food for spiritual purposes
was just very jarring for my mind.
I remember having conversations with my therapist.
Ramadan is supposed to be a time
of like spiritual enlightenment.
And here I was trying to lose weight.
Like, completely ignoring a lot of the spiritual fulfillment
that I wanted to get and I could resolve a lot
of these issues if I was just giving myself a bit more
grace and kindness.
- I think that my style has changed dramatically
because, first, I got too small for all my clothes.
So, I got rid of a bunch of them
because I was like, "Oh, I'm small now,
I need to buy a small clothes."
And then I had small clothes and then I gained weight
and then none of those clothes fit me.
So, I had to get rid of those clothes.
And then I had these huge oversized clothes
because they were the only clothes that didn't show my body.
And then I had some of my, it's all a mess.
- I'm Muslim and I wear hijab.
So, I dress modestly.
For a lot of plus size girls
that means us wearing super oversized clothing
to the point where I don't even know what my sizes are.
I don't know what I look like.
Like, I'll be like, "Oh, that's my size,
but this is actually the size I'm going to get
because I got to wear it outside."
So I really want to challenge myself
to just shop in my size.
- We're going to be doing a closet clean out
and picking 3 items of clothing that no longer serve us,
don't serve our bodies.
And we're going to then go shopping
to replace them with things that do serve us
and things that make us feel confident
and amazing and beautiful in our bodies.
- And there's definitely a few pieces that don't fit me
or don't spark joy, or that trigger me, and they can go.
I want to buy things that make me feel beautiful.
That affirm me.
And that also represent who I am as a Black curvy Muslim.
Let's head over to my closet, y'all.
(calm synth music)
- I have 2 pairs of jeans right now that I wear
because they're newer and I just haven't even touched
the rest of my jeans 'cause I've kind of been avoiding them.
'Cause I'm just scared.
I just tried them on and like none of them would fit.
Like, not a single pair.
I just wish, like, I didn't let these things
have so much power over me, but,
we're doing the work.
The breakdown has passed.
I cried about it.
I talked about it with my therapist a little bit.
I'm ready to do this.
Everything in this entire closet is replaceable
and we're going to be proving that today.
Clearly one of our items is going to be pants.
- I want to make sure that I'm obviously grabbing things
that don't fit me, whether it's too big or too small,
even if the items are, like, cute
and I probably would still wear it,
I want to make sure that my wardrobe reflects me
first and foremost.
- Let's look, shall we?
- Honestly, I haven't worn this in so long.
I don't even know if it fits me or not.
We're going to put her in the "maybe" pile
because I don't know.
Another brand new shirt.
I'm going to get rid of both of those shirts
but I might count them as one thing.
- Okay, I tend to have a lot of black tops
because I have big breasts
and that makes me feel very self-conscious.
I like having shirts that have like balloon sleeves
or some type of detailing on the sleeves,
just because I feel like it averts other people's eyes
from your chest area because they're focused
on the huge sleeves on your arms.
- I'm like a huge believer in, like, not sharing thinspo.
So, I'm not going to like share the size of these pants
or really any details about them.
But I can tell you,
when these jeans fit me
a couple of days before I bought these,
I went to the doctor
and was told that if I didn't go into recovery,
if I didn't go to treatment,
I would die in two weeks.
Like, that was literally what I was told
when I could fit it into these jeans.
And I know that holding on to these
is not doing me any favors.
If anything it's a disservice, so,
this is going to be one of them as well.
- This dress is a story.
Peach, gold, satin, very much my colors.
It says that it's a double XL,
but it really feels like an extra large
and it didn't properly fit me when I first got it.
A major problem I had with this dress though
is the stitching.
A lot of dresses, even if they are plus-sized
only focused on giving you room on the bottom half.
- This sweatshirt of mine, to be honest,
not much different than the one I'm wearing.
But this one, I have a big connection to
because it was one of the things that I wore the most
in my first round of eating disorder treatment.
I want to put myself in things that are cute
and make me feel like I'm celebrating my body
when I wear them.
- Okay, so, this is my last item.
It is my, like, Obi-Wan Kenobi jumpsuit.
That's what I call it.
I love this jumpsuit.
She has seen a lot.
I love the wave detail.
I love the fact that the sleeves were oversized.
I would just wear it with like a turtleneck underneath
but I worked to BookCon
which is a big book convention that happens
in the city every year.
And I got so many compliments on it.
I love the belt
because you can still kind of cinch in the waist.
This one was very flattering.
It fit how it was supposed to fit
but she don't fit me no more.
- I don't know.
I really hope that getting rid
of these clothes can kind of be a catalyst
of creating an entire new wardrobe for myself.
- We are going to shop for replacement items.
I am so excited.
I feel invigorated because
I think I can find really good substitutes
for those things that I'm not only gonna wear
but they're going to make me feel confident.
They're going to be in my size.
This summer, I'm outside.
I don't know if you've heard, but I'm outside.
- I want to gain something from the trauma
that I just went through trying on all my clothes.
So, I'm going to actually just sell my clothes on Instagram.
If they don't sell, I'll bring them to a Buffalo Exchange.
If they still don't sell, I'll just donate them.
But, I think it would be really nice
to get some money from my old clothes,
that I can put towards my new wardrobe.
(drum roll) (upbeat music)
I'm feeling very nervous,
but I was talking to my roommate
and we're talking about how
if we could just treat clothes sizes like shoe sizes
everything would just be so much better
because nobody judges anybody else
for what shoe size they are.
I'm trying to go into it with that mentality
because it is just as arbitrary as a shoe size.
It doesn't matter what number is on my pants
or my shirt or whatever.
It literally doesn't matter.
- The number one store that I go to for everything is ASOS.
ASOS, if you're watching, call me.
I wanted something brighter and I want to pick a shirt
that's not completely oversized
which is definitely going to be new for me.
Yeah, this is something that I would usually get
and even though it's oversized,
I'd still get it a size or two bigger than me.
I might just like it, let me just like it.
I'm not going to get it, I'm not going to get it.
I'm just going to like it.
- It is like an undeniable fact
that most mainstream clothing brands cater to thinner people
and I'm still thin right now
but it was really crazy seeing, like, it was at one point
I had sizes small to large in my dressing room
and none of them fit me.
I tried on two dresses from the same brand
that were both a size medium
and they fit me so drastically different.
I hate it.
Okay, so, we've been to 3 stores.
I found one thing.
The show must go on, I guess.
- Ooh! I really like this.
This is a lilac color.
I also really like the square neck line.
I feel like it's so elegant
and I feel like it just frames, like, your neck
and your chest area really nicely
without giving too much emphasis.
I'm not uncomfortable with it, looking at it,
but I may feel differently when I have it on.
Modest fashion.
Oh, I love this.
First of all, yes, Black hijabi model, we love to see it.
The color is kind of a lot
but it looks stunning on her skin tone.
And even the way that she styled this
with like that little lime green bag.
Yes, it's giving.
This is really cute but this is another example
of how a lot of dresses are manufactured
to be very high up, like, where the waistline is.
And it actually reminds me of the dress
that I'm getting rid of.
- I was shopping for jeans, right?
And I ended up having some tears.
Thankfully my girlfriend was there to calm me down
and kind of talk me into back down to earth.
Sizing is completely arbitrary
and it doesn't need to mean anything.
So, you push past it!
We did it!
It was rough.
- Okay, so, now that I have my 3 items,
all we have to do is wait for them to come in.
I'm very excited.
I'll see, y'all, when my package comes in.
(calm synth music)
- I ended up getting these high rise, stretchy, mom jeans.
They fit me, like, perfectly.
It's insane.
One of the things that I was talking about
was buying clothes in sizes that I've never been before.
And honestly, I don't want to bash myself
for being emotional about it.
As much as, logically, I know that it is ridiculous
to care so much about a number on a pair of pants.
Also, emotionally, I know that this really does affect me.
Just pants in general are going to be the hardest thing
for me moving forward with this journey
and having a pair that fits me makes me really happy.
It doesn't hurt me to bend over or, like, lift my legs.
What a concept.
- This was the item I was most excited to try.
This is how the jumpsuit looks on me.
I would say it's breathable.
I'm wearing a turtleneck underneath.
I was siloed with glasses like these.
Very cute, chic, simple.
I'm wearing it with my small, black Telfar.
I just had my Nike's.
You can always count on ASOS
to have the best modest options.
I think this is such a versatile piece.
I'm so excited to wear it and slide into summer.
If we ever get a summer.
- The second thing I'm replacing
is the Brandy Melville stuff.
The shirt I'm replacing it with
which is completely the opposite of what it was
is this green top.
The reason I went with this is
because as soon as I saw it I was, like,
having these, like, little, little straps
that really is just like gonna show off my body.
I'm really excited about this.
And I also think it represents more of my style now
than the British stuff did before.
It's so cute.
I would have never worn this, until this video.
This is quite possibly my new favorite shirt.
- If you can't tell,
I'm going for alternative emo goth girl.
I feel like I'm about to go cut school to go to Hot Topic.
I feel like I'm going to lie
to my mom about going to Warped Tour.
Like, that is the vibe.
Collusion, the brand that this dress is from
is a very street style brand.
And I love all of their pieces.
I decided to layer some, like, chokers
and my Arabic nameplate necklace.
I feel like that, plus little clips in my hijab
just really tie the look together.
I felt like this woven brown bag would just
add more, like, warmth.
This dress is very different
from the dress I'm getting rid of.
But, I think the most important thing is
that this dress brings me so much joy.
It makes me so happy.
And, I'm really proud of myself
for getting something like this,
which is a bit more fitted.
So far, it's 2 for 2.
- And last but not least, we have the piece
that is replacing my big baggy red sweater.
I knew that that one specifically, like,
really meant something to my eating disorder
and I don't want to give my eating disorder anything
that it wants, honestly.
And I also found myself not really feeling
like my body deserves to be dressed up
because I didn't really feel like I was worthy of anything.
The item that I chose to replace
the sweatshirt with is this dress.
This dress kind of symbolizes that my body is beautiful
and deserves to look so cute and be dressed up.
I don't stand by anything that
that sweater was doing for me.
But I do hope to stand by things that
this cute little dress will do.
- Okay, so this is my last look.
Y'all.
I feel a little bit conflicted about the top
but I'm leaning more on the side of, like,
this is stunning.
I wasn't expecting to like it as much as I do.
I love the dimensions of the puffy sleeves
with the more fitted top with the loose pants.
I also don't feel like super exposed with the lilac top.
My other shirt, very different.
Being a hijabi, specifically, being a hijabi
on the internet can be very daunting.
And just trying to figure out how to pick out outfits
and pick out clothes that align with your hijab
but also speak to you as a person
and represent what you want your clothing
to represent is a very weird journey.
And I don't think it's ever going to end.
Look, our bodies are going to change.
They're going to fluctuate and that's okay.
- A piece of fabric has never
and will never define your worth
and should absolutely never be a determination
of how valuable you or your body are.
The journey to accepting yourself
isn't going to be solved by getting rid
of 1, 2, 3, 10 pieces of clothing.
It's not, and that's the truth, but it's a step.