(upbeat music)
- New Hampshire.
It's the state always asking Vermont
to do something about the weed smell.
But today they were the state
holding the second Democratic primary.
And because normally the most exciting thing to do
in New Hampshire is watch mountains grow,
election day gets the people going like nothing else.
- After months of campaigning
and millions of dollars in TV ads,
it all comes down to this.
Voters here in New Hampshire already heading to the polls.
Overnight in New Hampshire,
the first votes were cast in the Granite State.
As they've done for decades, the tiny town of Dixville Notch
went to the polls at midnight.
- We were in Exeter, New Hampshire at the town hall there.
It was beyond capacity.
- People have been coming in here all day.
They've been lined up since 5:00 AM this morning.
- They vote for sport here in New Hampshire.
- I have voted for Warren.
- Steyer.
- [Reporter] Why?
- He's cute.
No, he seems like he can tackle Trump.
- I voted for Bernie.
- I voted for Amy Klobuchar.
- Tell me why.
- I actually went in and eeny, meeny, miny, moe'd it.
- You're kidding me. - No.
Between two candidates. - Literally in the booth.
- In the booth.
- Whoa. (audience groaning)
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
(audience chuckling)
That's not how you should pick
your potential future president.
Although it is how the president
picks his spray tan shade for the day.
(audience laughing)
He's like, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
"Ooh, creme brulee. Sounds fancy.
"So fancy."
(audience laughing)
So New Hampshire voters spent the day carefully deciding
who they want to be the Democratic nominee.
But of course, none of the votes matter
if they aren't counted correctly.
(coughs) Iowa.
Luckily, (audience laughing)
according to state officials,
they've got this thing under control.
- New Hampshire's secretary of state Bill Gardner,
he told us he slept well last night
and today's voting will be simple and secure.
- Keep it simple.
Keep the moving parts the smallest number you can.
- Could this be hacked in any way?
- You can't hack a pencil.
- How many apps do you have involved in this process?
- We don't have any apps involved
in any of the tabulating of the comments.
- No apps. - No apps.
- It's an app-free election, you can guarantee that.
- Yes.
- You know, it's funny how a few years ago people were like,
"Guys, we need to vote with our phones.
"It's the future."
But now thanks to the disaster in Iowa it's like,
"We're going back to how our forefathers did this, okay?"
(upbeat music)
- I'm here in New Hampshire, the Live Free or Die state,
and right now it's so cold I feel like dying.
After the DNC shat the bed in Iowa's caucuses,
New Hampshire has a real chance
to be the first state in the nation
to lead the presidential nomination process.
I'm here at the state capitol to find out more.
It's so (beep) cold. Ah!
The only results out of the Iowa caucuses
was just how bad they blew it.
- This is an unmitigated disaster.
- It could not be more of a disaster.
- Nightmare disaster.
- Disaster. - Disaster.
- This is the death knell.
If it's not the death knell, somebody should get fired.
- [Ronny] So now the pressure is on New Hampshire
to get it right.
- All eyes now turn to the New Hampshire primary.
- It's gonna be the most important primary in the cycle.
- I searched the State House
to make sure the people in charge were hard at work.
(door clicking) (audience laughing)
Hello?
Where the hell is everybody?
This place was emptier than the DNC's bowels
after they shit all over themselves in Iowa.
Turns out the governor was calling
a very important last minute press conference
to explain how New Hampshire is the best at elections.
We hadn't really planned for this,
so we crashed a presser TMZ style.
Turns out you can get in anywhere
with a suit and a camera crew.
You could sense that there was more at stake
in this primary than usual.
- Our press corps seems to have grown.
- [Ronny] The governor and what appeared to be
all the Democratic candidates
came out to deliver their remarks.
Warren, Bernie, Yang.
This press conference had everything.
An old man wandering around clearly confused,
a PowerPoint presentation with voting clip art,
and, of course,
a guy livestreaming this on Facebook for likes.
- Well, thank you very much.
We're gonna open it up for questions, I think.
- Finally, the governor of New Hampshire took our questions.
After a couple of softballs,
I found my chance to ask the only question
that Americans actually wanted to know.
Mr. Governor, Mr. Governor.
After the...
Thank you.
After the disaster in Iowa, are you able to promise
the people of New Hampshire and the nation
that New Hampshire will not (beep) this up?
(audience laughing)
- New Hampshire is gonna get it right.
We've gotten it right for 100 years.
We're gonna keep getting it right.
- The governor's non-answer only raised more questions.
Mr. Governor, if this goes off without a hitch,
how do you plan on gloating to Iowa?
Are you willing to go on the record
to say that Iowa sucks and New Hampshire rocks?
Can you assure your citizens
that your votes will be counted unless they're for Bernie?
I guess we'll have to wait to get our questions answered.
Mr. Governor, who are you voting for, Mr. Governor?
Will New Hampshire be a corn-fed cluster (beep) like Iowa?
Only time will tell.
But am I excited
to get out this freezing political pony show hellhole?
I vote yes.
(upbeat music)
- Coming out of the Iowa primary,
the big winners were Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg,
and anyone who didn't build that shitty app.
And last night in New Hampshire,
those top two kept their momentum going.
- [Newscaster] With a win in New Hampshire,
Senator Bernie Sanders taking control
as the Democratic front runner.
But not too far behind him, Pete Buttigieg.
Despite winning the popular vote
in both Iowa and New Hampshire,
Sanders is behind in the overall delegate race by two.
- [News Anchor] One of the night's other big winners,
Senator Amy Klobuchar, who took third place.
- Thank you! - She capitalized
on the moment by reintroducing herself to the country.
- Hello, America.
I'm Amy Klobuchar, and I will beat Donald Trump.
- Yes, last night may have been the best night
for Bernie Sanders since he won that free cruise
on Noah's Ark, but
(audience laughing)
New Hampshire's biggest surprise was Amy Klobuchar
who burst into the national spotlight
with a third place finish.
And the timing couldn't be better for Klobuchar
because in many ways, you see, the presidential campaigns
are like getting drunk at a party, right?
You wanna peak at the right time.
See, the other candidates, they had their surge last year,
which was too early.
It's like getting wasted at 6:00 PM, yeah.
(audience laughing)
Because by the time the party's really going,
you're puking in the bushes like, "(gagging).
"I'm so sorry. I didn't pace myself.
"I promise I'll do better in South Carolina."
So for Bernie, Buttigieg, and Klobuchar,
New Hampshire was a dream.
But unfortunately for some other big name candidates,
it turned into a nightmare.
- [Newscaster] Another major New Hampshire headline,
the candidates who fell far behind,
including longtime national front runner Joe Biden
and Senator Elizabeth Warren both failed to get enough votes
to earn any delegates.
Before the race was called, Biden, who placed fifth,
was on a plane to South Carolina,
which will hold the nation's next primary.
- [Reporter] Biden saw the writing on the wall.
He had left even before the polls had closed,
livestreaming into his campaign's New Hampshire watch party.
- Oh, Joe Biden left New Hampshire
before the polls were even closed?
I mean, I've heard of fans leaving the game early,
but you know it's bad when the team leaves early
to beat the traffic.
The coach is just like, "Alright, guys,
"screw the fourth quarter.
"Let's just start the bus."
(audience laughing)
I also feel especially bad for Biden's supporters,
I'll say that.
Think about it.
You came all the way out to see your candidate
and then instead all you get is a video.
Imagine you were in like the dentist chair
and your doctor pops up on the screen like,
"Aloha from Hawaii.
(audience laughing)
"Here are three simple steps
"to perform your own root canal."
(upbeat music)
- But let's begin tonight with the results
of last night's voting in New Hampshire
in Indecision 2012.
With 100% of the votes counted,
once again the man of the night,
one Millard Mittington Romney
who captured New Hampshire with 39% of the vote,
followed by Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman.
It was an historic win for Romney
as he became the first Republican non-incumbent
to win both Iowa and New Hampshire
while still having no one like him.
(audience laughing)
No one.
(audience laughing)
Romney was introduced by his wife Ann,
who still has yet to endorse a candidate, and
(audience laughing)
was accompanied by what I can only assume
is some type of Osmond tribute band.
(audience laughing)
I got two words for the Romney campaign: bachelor auction.
(audience laughing)
Rawr.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry. To the victory speech!
- We do remember when Barack Obama came to New Hampshire
four years ago.
He promised to bring people together.
He promised to change the broken system in Washington.
He promised to improve our nation.
Those were the days of lofty promises
made by a hopeful candidate.
- Yeah, what a jerk that Obama was.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that.
Ass (beep).
(audience laughing)
Empty suit standing on a platform in New Hampshire
making lofty promises he knew he couldn't possibly fulfill!
I'm sorry, Mitt, I interrupted you. Continue.
- I will cut, cap, and balance the federal budget.
I will make the federal government simpler,
smaller, and smarter.
I will insist on a military so powerful
no one would ever think of challenging it.
- See, people? My promises are realistic.
(audience laughing)
A tiny government, a balanced budget,
and a giant invincible army!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you new Sparta!
(audience laughing)
The only question that remained last night,
who would be the first pundit
to dismiss Ron Paul's second place finish?
- [Newscaster] NBC News can now project
that Ron Paul will finish second.
- If you take Ron Paul out of this,
what would've happened to Huntsman?
Huntsman is the real second here.
- No! You can't...
(audience laughing)
You're not allowed to just take Ron Paul out of this!
That's just physics. You're not...
And you know, if you add two zeros
to the end of Huntsman's totals,
he would've been in first by hundreds of thousands of votes.
An unprecedented victory.
Why is no one talking about this?
Because it didn't happen!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
We're gonna go now live to our senior political analyst,
Stephen Colbert.
(audience laughing)
Now Stephen, thanks for joining us.
You're actually in Dixville Notch, New Hampshire,
and that's the town that traditionally casts
the first votes of the primary at midnight the night before.
- Yes, Jon.
Fascinating story behind that tradition, I can only assume.
(audience laughing)
- First of all, Stephen, glad to see you're all bundled up.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- It must be awfully cold up there.
- Oh yes, Jon.
Oh for a witch's tit with which to warm myself
on this historic New Hampshire evening.
- So, so cold you can't even see your breath.
- It's too cold, Jon.
(audience laughing)
- Now Stephen, do you think this clearly very nasty weather
will affect the outcome of the primary?
- Oh, not really, Jon.
Kerry, Dean, Clark, Lieberman,
their people have worked far too hard
to let a little cold weather
keep them from the polling stations.
- And what about Edwards?
- His people are pussies, Jon.
(audience laughing)
Anything below 40 degrees, they just go back to bed.
Oh lordy, pull up the duvet.
I'm a hot house flower whose roots are getting frosted.
(audience laughing)
- Stephen,
(audience laughing)
in talking with people as they left the voting booth,
what struck you most about the mood of these voters?
- I would say the anger, Jon.
Democrats here are very angry.
- At the president?
- No, at me, Jon.
(audience laughing)
Me and my fellow journalists.
You see, locals know that to those of us in the press corps,
New Hampshirites are merely the people
whom we ambush outside PTA meetings,
extracting sound bites from reluctant dairy farmers
whose opinions we will discard like yesterday's bum wipe,
man-on-the-streeting them in sub-zero weather
on their way to refill their insulin prescriptions,
and exit polling the elderly for hours,
hours they'll never get back,
hours they could have spent loving their grandchildren.
(audience laughing)
- Why do they put up with that?
- Oh, who knows what's going on
in their chowdered heads, Jon.
All I do know is every four years
these beflanneled Granite Staters give me the footage I need
that I then send to you so that you will send me a check.
(audience laughing)
And for that, well, I will never repay them.
(audience chuckling)
Jon.
- Thank you, Stephen. Stay warm.
Stephen Colbert in New Hampshire.