- I don't know what GHB is,
I'm not a marine biologist,
and I'm not a low life.
That night I was a lowlife.
But normally I'm a high school teacher.
(hip hop music)
- Welcome to This is Not Happening presents,
One Crazy Night.
So this is what we do.
Where a bunch of comedians tell stories
about a similar subject.
So this is just one crazy night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
first it's Harley Morenstein, everybody.
Let him hear it.
(audience applauding)
- I started a cooking show on the internet.
And I don't know how to cook
and I thought that was a really irresponsible
thing to do.
But I did that.
(audience laughing)
And it was cool, I guess the whole vibe
of wrapping things in bacon and getting drunk
with your friends really works on YouTube.
You know YouTube where everyone's retarded?
(audience laughing)
That's where we put our show.
So I'm from Montreal, Canada, and in Montreal, Canada
we kind of have Celine Dion
and we have the Montreal Canadians.
And now our show got really popular.
Me and my buddies on the show we started to get recognized,
which is really cool.
See, me and my buddies, we're sloppy fat
dudes that never really wear the right shoes
to the club that are cool enough
to charm the bouncer into allowing us access
to the establishment.
Once Epic Mealtime happened, the internet show,
and our hometown started to respect us
in this weird, fucked up like,
"You're the bacon man" type of way,
we got access to the clubs.
And now only that, when we got in there,
they would give us bottles of whiskey.
Let's drink them all and let's drink them fast
and let's drink them hard, and let's fucking do it,
let's do it big.
And I ended up outside of the club,
I guess it was because I had this move
where I cleared a table of all the drinks
so I could lie down on it.
(audience laughing)
And it was like, I put my hand down
and I slid it all off and laid on my back
and I remember them picking me up
by my arms and legs and bringing me out
and I was on the streets now and I don't know
what it was, it was like 2:00 AM.
I'm really fucked up and I'm all balloon headed
because people like that I wrap things in bacon
on the internet and everyone's giving me pats
on the back, high fives all around,
but I'm hurting now, I'm hurting.
I'm like, "Water, water!"
I'm grabbing, I'm like, "Water, water, water, I need it,
"I need it!"
And I get a bottle of water.
Someone gives it to me.
This guy's like, "I dare you to chug it."
And I was fast, I was drunk, I was so fucking,
I was like, "I dare you to chug it, motherfucker!"
And I knocked it back and I was just doing it.
And I'm good at drinking water normally
on real-life basis I can drink water really well.
(audience laughing)
That night, it was like my mutant super power.
I drank water perfectly.
(audience laughing)
I was the perfect water drinker.
I was doing it and like everyone was loving it,
I don't know if they were loving it,
I know my eyes were closed.
But I felt love around me,
as I was doing it and I was drinking it perfectly,
and the only thing that weirded me out
is when I kind of burped barfed back into my mouth
and I tasted the water I was drinking.
I was like, "It's weird, why is it weird?"
And I look at it, and it's like milky.
I was like, "Why does it look weird?"
And I see all these faces, all these smiling faces,
and I see, I locate the face that gave me the water,
and I was like, "Why is it,
"It's electrolytes, please let this be electrolytes."
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "GHB.
"Molly water, cocaine, drugs."
And I don't know what GHB is, I'm not a marine biologist
and I'm not a lowlife.
I'm not a lowlife.
That night I was a lowlife,
but normally I'm a high school teacher.
I'm good, I don't drink GHB on the streets.
And I drank all this GHB,
I don't even know what that does,
I don't know what that's supposed to do to me.
I don't know what's happening, and I blacked out.
And I blacked out.
My eyes closed, and I felt like movement.
So I know now what was happening,
was I closed my eyes and I turned my brain off
and I started stomping up the street.
Like really big man, like big scary man walking,
like get the fuck out of my way,
there's a big man stomping down the street,
he's really fucked up on GHB, Molly Water, all that jazz,
and I heard he's a high school teacher,
he'll fucking eat your soul
or something like that.
(audience laughing)
I blacked out and I woke up, lying face down
in the middle of the busiest street in downtown Montreal
and my buddy Dave and my buddy Tyler were like,
kicking and pulling me, like, "Get up, get up!"
And I grabbed them and I was like,
"No, I fucking need this.
"You leave me, I need to get arrested tonight!
"I need that in my life!"
And they're kinda like dragging me away.
And I'm 260 pounds, I want to get arrested
so I'm dead weight.
And they're pulling me and they stop for a second
just to grab a breath of air
and I fucking bolt so fast.
I woke up the next day and the sun was out
and I was in a stranger's bed and my pants were on
inside out and I was looking at the wall and the window
and I just roll over.
And there's a dude there in a wheelchair
with no legs.
And he's staring at me.
And there's wooden legs attached to his wheelchair.
And I don't say "What happened?" or anything.
I'm just looking at his legs on the wheelchair.
And he was like, "My name's Vlad, I'm from Russia.
"And I moved to Oklahoma.
"I got my legs cut off by a train,
"And Oprah gave me these wooden legs
"and I outgrew them."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Yeah, Oprah okay, fuck talking about Oprah.
"Why are my pants on inside out?
"Who are you Russian man?"
I'm so weirded out right now, I'm like,
"I'm gonna head outta here."
And as I go out, I guess it's his roommate walks out,
as big as me but like, fit.
Like for real the fastest runner I bet.
(audience laughing)
And this guy comes in, and he's like, "Sup, dog?
"I'm Point Man."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "What's up, Point Man?"
He's like, "Why don't you grab a seat over there?"
And I sit down and I'm sitting with Point Man
and Vlad the Russian with no legs
and I'm sitting there, the first thing he does
is he pulls out these documents and a pen
and he slides it across the table, and he's like,
"Let me tell you something about this idea
"I got called Tit Pillows."
And this is his words (audience laughing)
not mine, this is his pitch,
I would pitch Tit Pillows way better,
but this is what he told me.
He was like, "So you basically collaborate
"with plastic surgeon that specializes
"in breast reduction, you keep the titty fat,
"we're gonna put em in pillows,
"and in various shapes and sizes.
"Brown tits, Asian tits, white tits,
"whatever you want, bro."
He was like, "You're gonna be the spokesperson."
And at this moment I swear to God I notice
like crossbow on the wall.
And like a knife collection.
And I'm like, "Dude, I'm the fucking spokesperson."
Like pen, I'm signing a document now.
Why am I signing a document, I don't know what time it is,
it's the next day, where's my team?
But the Point Man owns my soul basically.
And I'm like, "Alright, I'm gonna head out."
And Point Man's like, "Whoa, before you go."
Pulls out Perfect Strangers season one.
(audience laughing)
Makes me watch it all.
All Perfect Strangers season one, I sit down
and I watch the entire thing with him.
I got so much fucking Balki in Perfect Strangers,
enough for four lifetimes.
The moral of the story is fuck my friends.
If I say I need to get arrested, I need that in my life,
you leave me alone.
You let me stay there and you let me get arrested.
Cause I don't need this shit.
(hip hop music)
(audience applauding)
- Hey why don't you click like so that this YouTUbe
clip gets better views?
And subscribe so you can see next week's story.
And don't forget to leave a comment.
I command you.
(electronic sounds)