Now, we were just talking about the two choices
in the presidential election.
It's basically a choice between Grandma Nixon
and the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.
And like I said, it's really no choice at all,
and one of the clearest examples of that came in just today.
We're in the middle of the Democratic Convention.
All eyes on Hillary Clinton,
and you know how when-when a... when a toddler feels
like someone else is getting the attention that he should
be getting, so the toddler starts banging pots and pans
and vomiting to see if that will get a reaction?
Yeah, well, well, imagine if that toddler
could call a press conference.
Yes, once again, Donald Trump grabbed the spotlight,
and this time not for tanning purposes, no.
He used it to address concerns that the Russian government
may have orchestrated the DNC leaks.
So, all we wanted to hear from Trump was that
he's not working with Russia to subvert the American election.
I will tell you this.
Russia, if you're listening, I hope you are able to find
the 30,000 e-mails that are missing.
I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.
Let's see if that happens.
That'll be next.
Are you (bleep) me!
(audience booing)
Did this, did this guy, a man running for president,
just ask Russia to hack America?
You know, for a person who's claiming,
"Bring jobs back to America,"
he sure started outsourcing them real quick.
(applause)
So...
So let me understand this.
So Donald Trump called on a foreign nation
to commit a crime in order to hurt his political opponent.
This is, this is what happened, people... in real life.
It's not a matter of interpretation.
And here's-here's why this worries many people.
Because during the campaign, Trump has called
to change American foreign policy, uh, foreign policy,
in a way that directly benefits Russia.
Right? On multiple occasions.
He said he wouldn't necessarily intervene
if Russia invaded a NATO ally.
Uh, on Monday he said that the U.S. should abandon
a whole bunch of countries
that have always been in line with the U.S. against Russia.
I like NATO. NATO's fine,
but they got to pay.
They got to pay.
We're protecting Germany... nothing but money.
When I talk about we protect Japan-- which is great.
Now, you always have to be prepared to walk.
Folks, we may have to walk.
You know, you know, the fact that you can interchange
a Donald Trump quote with a drunk bus driver
should make Americans very afraid.
"You always have to be prepared to walk.
"We may have to walk, folks.
I'm sorry, we may have to walk."
(applause)
It's almost hard...
It's almost hard to believe he's saying this stuff out loud.
It's like, it's like, have you ever seen that movie
The Manchurian Candidate?
Yeah? It's about a Russian mole
who's brainwashed to run for president.
Trump is like if the Manchurian Candidate ran
as the Manchurian Candidate.
-So... -(laughing)
(cheering and applause)
So, because of all of this...
because of all of this,
reporters are-- if you can believe this--
actually starting to ask questions of Trump
and his Russian-linked campaign manager Paul Manafort.
Like, for instance, whether Donald Trump
has any financial ties to the Russian government.
Trump tweeted yesterday that he has zero investments in Russia.
But does Russia have investments in Trump?
Would Mr. Trump be willing to release his taxes
to provide transparency on this issue?
MANAFORT: Mr. Trump has said that his taxes are under audit
and he will be not be releasing them.
It has nothing do with Russia.
So to be clear, Mr. Trump has no
financial relationships with any Russian oligarchs.
If that's what he said, uh, uh, that's what I said.
That's, obviously, what the-- our position is.
That, that, that's, uh...
(stuttering)
(cheering and applause)
Remix!
Here's how we know Manafort is shady, right?
When this same guy was asked about Trump's connection
to the e-mail hack,
he responded like a guy whose wife
had caught him sexting another woman, you know?
Just listen to that answer.
"Paul Manafort, are you cheating on me?"
We, we, we have no relationship.
This is an absurd attempt by the Clinton campaign.
It's absurd, uh, and, you know, there's no basis to it.
The allegations are absurd.
Interesting way to put it.
Because remember when Melania Trump
plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech?
You guys remember that?
Yes? Yes? Yeah.
Well, well, before the Trump campaign admitted it,
here's what Manafort said.
To think that she would do something like that,
knowing how scrutinized her speech
was going to be last night, is just really absurd.
Oh, that-that thing that definitely happened
was also absurd, absolutely absurd.
It's smart, actually, 'cause when you think about it,
absurd doesn't mean untrue.
It just means ridiculous.
Yes.
Platypuses are absurd,
-(laughter) -but they still exist.
So Manafort is right.
He isn't saying the Russia accusations are false,
he's just acknowledging that all of this is bat (bleep) crazy.
-(applause) -But, but...
since the allegations are so absurd,
Trump felt the need to take the podium
and reiterate how absurd they are.
It is so far-fetched, it's so ridiculous.
Honestly, I wish I had that power.
I'd love to have that power.
But Russia has no respect for our country.
And that's why-- if it is Russia,
nobody even knows-- it's probably China.
(laughter and groaning)
I'm sorry. What?
-It's probably China? -(laughter)
America is about to elect a president
who treats foreign affairs like a game of Clue?
(laughter)
Uh, it's probably China
with the computer in the library?
(laughter)
What do you mean, it's probably China?
(applause and cheering)
Up to this point, up to this point,
nobody else had mentioned China.
No one had mentioned China
in connection with the e-mail hacks. Nobody.
Most people in a position to know said it's Russia.
But after about 30 minutes, Donald Trump then said this.
We don't even know who it is.
I heard this morning,
one report said they don't think it's Russia.
They think it might be China.
I'm sorry. You heard this morning?
-You were the one who said it! -(laughter, applause & cheering)
How do you say that?
"Oh, I-I heard... I heard this morning.
I heard this morning when I said it myself."
-(applause and cheering) -You can't do that, Trump.
You can't do that.
-You can't cite yourself as a source. -(laughter)
And you know how I know that?
Because someone said it earlier in this show.
Me. I said that!
You can't cite yourself.
It's like editing your own Wikipedia page.
-What the hell is wrong with you? -(laughter)
This is (bleep) is getting scary, people.
And I don't understand how some people say they can't see it.
You know, because Donald Trump is almost
like global warming right now.
People are trying to deny that it's real.
Oh, they think it's something we can worry about later,
but it is happening right now.
-And it also involves a lot of cow (bleep). -(laughter)
So, so, again, again,
there should be no contest.
Because let's look at this, let's be honest.
Flat out, Republican or Democrat,
let's look at the worst-case scenarios on both sides.
With Hillary Clinton, worst-case scenario--
you have a bad president for four years, all right?
And America's had bad presidents before.
You'll get through it.
But, America, you have never had a Donald Trump before.
A man who, claiming to be leader of law and order,
and make-America-safe candidate--
that man who invites foreign hackers
to steal files that he himself said
contain American national security data--
that man-- that's leader you've never had.
A man who publicly admires
and now very possibly colludes with Vladimir Putin.
-A man who is lovingly endorsed by Kim Jung-un. -(laughter)
A man who praises and doubles down on praising Saddam Hussein.
These are his role models.
And these people-- what you have to understand is--
once they're in power, they don't go away.
You don't get a chance to vote them out in four years.
Their rule ends when the country ends.
So to all the people out there considering voting for Trump,
I hope you enjoy your vote,
because on days like this, you realize,
this could be the very last vote you will ever get.