HERE TO TALK ABOUT TODAY'S
ANNOUNCEMENT IS CHRIS CHRISTIE'S HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATE AND TOWN
BULLY, MATT CAFFARELLI.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) MATT, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, NERD.
(LAUGHTER) >> Larry: OKAY.
THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD START.
I GUESS YOU ARE THE TOWN BULLY, SO I SHOULD EXPECT THAT.
OKAY.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CHRISTIE'S SPEECH?
>> IT WAS BOSS AS HELL!
HONESTLY, MAN, I THOUGHT HE [ BLEEP ] CRUSHED IT!
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
CHRIS CHRISTIE IS THE BULLY AMERICA'S BEEN WAITING FOR.
(LAUGHTER) >> Larry: I'M SORRY, THE BULLY?
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
>> WATCH AND LEARN, BOB BUNSON HONEYDEW.
>> WHO YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
DAMN, MAN, I'M GOVERNOR.
COULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND?
YOUR REAR END'S GOING TO GET THROWN IN JAIL, IDIOT.
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
ARE YOU -- ARE YOU STUPID?
FIRST OFF, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
>> WAS THAT A LITTLE BLUNT, EVEN FOR YOU?
>> NO.
(LAUGHTER) >> Larry: HE DEFINITELY SOUNDS
LIKE A BULLY.
HOW IS THAT GOOD FOR AMERICA?
>> LOOK, AMERICA'S LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL -- THE LAST THREE
PRESIDENTS WERE A PROM KING, A DUMB JOCK, AND NOW A FRIGGIN'
NERD RUNNING THE JOINT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
(LAUGHTER) IT'S TIME FOR A BULLY SO THE
NATURAL ORDER CAN BE RESTORED.
(LAUGHTER) >> Larry: WAIT.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERS)
SO YOU THINK THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD SHOULD BE A
HIGH-SCHOOL-STYLE BULLY?
>> YOU GOT IT RIGHT, FOUR EYES.
(LAUGHTER) >> Larry: WAIT, WHY ARE YOU
PICKING ON ME?
>> LARRY, I'M A BULLY.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
>> Larry: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
OKAY.
JUST EXPLAIN TO ME, HOW DOES CHRIS CHRISTIE BEING A BULLY
PRESIDENT -- I DUNNO -- LIKE, HELP US IN THE MIDDLE EAST?
>> MIDDLE EAST?
PLEASE.
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK OUT THIS SWEET FOREIGN
POLICY RIGHT HERE.
>> Larry: GET THE HELL OFF THE BEACH IN ASBURY PARK AND GET
OUT.
(LAUGHTER) >> NAILED IT.
NAILED IT.
>> Larry: WAIT.
THAT'S FOREIGN POLICY?
>> LISTEN, POINDEXTER, WHAT IS MIDDLE EAST BUT A PILE OF SAND?
IT'S A GIANT BEACH!
WHERE ALL OUR OIL IS.
WHICH IS NICE.
THINK ABOUT IRAN.
YOU'VE GOT THE KING OF IRAN EMPEROR OF IRAN, WHATEVER HE IS.
HE'S TRYING TO BUILD NUKES.
OBAMA'S ALL LIKE "BRBRBR."
THAT'S HOW HE SOUNDS.
(LAUGHTER) CHRIS CHRISTIE'S GOING TO BE
LIKE, "HEY, DUMB-DUMB, YOU CAN'T HAVE NUKES.
I TOLD YOU!
GET OFF OUR FRIGGIN' BEACH!" >> Larry: OKAY.
BOOM.
Larry: OKAY.
FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD OF A FOREIGN POLICY
QUITE LIKE THIS.
AND IT'S REALLY NOT OUR BEACH.
>> REALLY?
(LAUGHTER) >> Larry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TWO FOR FLINCHING, BUDDY.
Larry: TWO FOR FLINCHING?
>> THOSE ARE THE RULES.
YOU FLINCH, YOU GET HIT!
CHRIS CHRISTIE TAUGHT ME THAT.
>> Larry: ALL RIGHT, FINE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT DOMESTIC ISSUES, LIKE HEALTHCARE?
>> HEALTHCARE?
PLEASE.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A GUY WHO LITERALLY BULLIED HIS WEIGHT
DOWN.
HE WAS LIKE, [ BLEEP ] YOU, STOMACH!
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HE WAS LIKE, STOMACH, BE SMALLER.
HEY, DOC, CUT ME OPEN AND PUT A RUBBER BAND AROUND IT."
YOU KNOW?
AND THEN STRANGLE IT.
STRANGLE MY STOMACH.
(LAUGHTER) NOW HE'S ALL LIKE, "HEY,
STOMACH.
HERE'S A PEANUT.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
(LAUGHTER) NO, NO,
GO TO BED, YOU PIECE OF [ BLEEP ]."
>> Larry: HOLD ON.
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S NOT HOW LAP-BAND SURGERY WORKS.
>> THAT IS LITERALLY EXACTLY HOW IT WORKS.
(LAUGHTER) >> Larry: THAT IS LITERALLY THE
WRONG DEFINITION OF "LITERALLY."
>> WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE.
>> Larry: WE HAVEN'T AGREED ON ANYTHING!
>> ALL RIGHT.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Larry: NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T GET TO SAY THAT.
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
>> YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?
>> Larry: [ BLEEP ].
(LAUGHTER) YOU'RE A BIG BULLY!
DO WHAT HE SAYS -- GO TO COMMERCIAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU'RE A BIG BULLY.