- Our story begins when I ran into Robbie Williams,
Heidi Klum, and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony
at the Dolce and Gabbana spring show.
- Hate him, loathe her, over them, cancel it,
tell me everything.
- You know, one of my shyest friends,
I won't say his name to preserve his privacy,
but he found my presence so comforting
that he asked me to cohost his TV show,
Anderson Cooper 360.
I am an expert at mediating conflict,
like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby
had an issue with my other friend, Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
I heard this little voice in my head saying,
"Tahani, don't do this!"
- The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady
from Downton Abbey?
- Oh yes, sorry.
Maggie Smith is my godmother.
But this is hard, 'cause the only trolley I've ever been on
is James Franco's ironic trolley.
It travels backwards from his penguin grotto
to his garage of adult tricycles.
There are plenty of other people I could help,
like my good friend, Ben Affleck,
and his crippling addiction to back tattoos
or my other good friend, Matt Damon,
and his crippling addiction to my friend, Ben Affleck.
- [Interviewer] Who would you say
is the most famous person in your phone?
- It's not about who you know.
Enlightenment comes from within.
The Dalai Lama texted me that.
I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds
and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm
with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha.
This really reminds me of my time in Vietnam
picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana.
Doesn't really matter what she's a princess of,
it's not really important.
It really is the most incredible chime I've ever heard,
and that is coming from someone whose godfather
is the most famous clock in the world.
- Is Big Ben somehow your godfather?
- Mm-hmm.
I haven't encountered this much resistance
since I tried to get Timothee Chalamet
to go out into the sun.
Remind me to tell you someday about
Timothee Chalamet's bar mitzvah.
Absolutely.
I feel very confident with you in charge.
In the words of my godfather,
acting in what could only be described in hindsight
as his most problematic role,
"You the man now, dog."
- As always, thank you for finding the quickest possible way
to say things.
- My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling
at the Met Ball.
Which I did.
Couple of times, actually.
I haven't been this upset since my good friend, Taylor,
was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye,
who was defending my best friend, Beyonce.
- Tahani is a candidate as far as I'm concerned.
Yesterday, she told me
that she was Taylor Swift's best friend,
but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend.
- I've been through worse.
Once at Elon Musk's birthday party,
I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk.
I suppose a little entrepreneurial spirit
never hurt anyone.
Reach for the stars,
as I said to my good friend, Elon Musk.
And then he shot his car into space!
What a weird creep.
Why was I friends with him?
You know, I once did trust falls with Barry Diller
and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship.
I'm going to tell you the same thing
that I told Mark Zuckerberg
right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin.
You are smart, you are capable,
and the time has come to hit unfriend.
I also told Mark to lose the "the."
Just Facebook.
That was me.
Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist
after he directed "Argo" but then, right on schedule,
it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."
That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen,
and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton
right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar.
Let's go.
It's what I said!
I actually found myself in a very similar situation
a few years ago, except in that instance,
Michael was Javier Bardem
and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.
I once had a brief fling
with a non-famous Hemsworth brother,
but even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason.
I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions
that had been weighing me down like anchors,
the dresses, the jewels.
I gave them all to Goodwill.
That's what I call Prince William.
Since he'd married a commoner,
I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to.
In the words of Princess Kate
after we came back from our shopping trip in Ibiza,
there's a lot to unpack here.
I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile.
Goodbye Bono.
Goodbye The Edge.
Goodbye The Edge's real phone number
that even Bono doesn't have.
That should be fine for me.
It's roughly the same size
as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber,
and I've never had a problem in there.
I need you to act as my bodyguard,
like my friend, Kevin Costner
in that movie where he was a bodyguard,
"The Bodyguard".
This money has been a weight around my neck,
like the Heart of the Ocean necklace
my friend, James Cameron, once gave me.
Now I have live next to a man who once lied
and said I wasn't at Diddy's White party.
I was there, Eleanor!
I was!
You must believe me!
You two won't be together anymore.
I haven't met a more perfect couple
since I set up Drake with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
If you love someone, set them free.
A good friend and yoga pupil, Sting, no last initial,
told me that.
I'm friends with Sting!
Ironically, that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me
when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in
"The Fast and the Furious 9".
Not helpful?
I'll watch the game with you, Jason.
I enjoy American football.
I actually dated a player once but he wasn't my type,
so I set him up with my friend, Gisele.
Bundchen.
How are Chris and Liam and Luke?
Sorry, no, I won't mention your brothers again.
I haven't had a pet since Barbra Streisand
gave me one of her cloned Siamese cats
and it killed itself.
This neighborhood that you've built is truly a masterpiece,
the likes of which I've never seen,
and I've been to Johnny Depp's private bird sanctuary.
You know, sometimes a flaw
can make something even more beautiful,
like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.
Oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while.
That was quite fun.
I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university.
Although mostly I just stood around
while Baz Luhrmann just threw glitter on me.
- Damn, you're good at this.
- Hang out with Johnny Depp long enough
and you become pretty good at lying.
Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all!"
You know once I shoved a hot dog
right down the throat of the legendary John Wayne.
- She even name-drops in hell.
- I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vain, glorious, attention seeker
with enough jealousy to power
Elon Musk's underwater mansion,
which I've been to, by the way.
(laughing)
- I have actually, it's remarkable.
- It's remarkable.
- To paraphrase a song written by my godfather,
hey, Judge, don't make it bad.
Take a sad group and make us better.
Quvenzhane Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room
discussing me?
Guess they must've made up. - She was the only one
who was able to talk me out of that goatee.
- Well, I lost that battle with Robert Downey Jr.
and I'll be damned if I lose it with you.
We need someone authoritative and reassuring,
like Nelson Mandela or Sir Patrick Stewart
or really any of my old racketball partners would do.
I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended.
Champagne and Alanis Morissette.
Not the actual singer.
I'd just listen to her albums at my friend Adele's house.
I had Janet build an exact replica
of Victoria Beckham's ultra exclusive private spa.
I shall go on the attack,
just like six of the eight Game of Thrones characters
who were based on me would do.
In 2007, Blake Lively invited me to a birthday party
held for Leonardo DiCaprio aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.
- Mm, I see we're dropping names three at a time now.
- The guest list was 100 of the wealthiest,
most famous members of the glitterati.
Once aboard, I discover there was a VIP deck,
and within that area, there was an even more exclusive room
that you could only access with a secret PIN,
which I promptly entered.
Guess who was waiting for me.
- I hate to admit it but I have to know, who?
- No one.
I was the only one there.
The party raged on outside but I was so obsessed with status
that I never left.
I spent the entire night talking to no one.
- Riveting story.
If only it were longer and sadder.
- I've never had lunch with mum and dad.
I've only ever stood silently behind their chairs
while they ate lobster tail with Oscar de la Renta.
I was once in Portofino
with Bruno Mars, LeBron James, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
- We don't have time for this right now, babe.
- Fine.
Long story short, LeBron performed a successful tracheotomy,
the song won multiple Grammys,
and everyone was really happy.
- Well now I wanna hear the story.
- If I can convince Dr. Ruth not to sue Bruno Mars
over songwriting credit on "Uptown Funk",
I can handle this. - If it would cheer you up,
I could tell you what happened at your original funerals.
Tahani, Moby spoke first.
He claimed that--
- Please stop.
I don't want to hear it.
I would like to model tonight's event
on my most successful gala.
- That would be 2006, fundraiser for stem cell research
in Barcelona.
- Barcelona, actually.
Oh, it was a perfect evening.
Princess Stephanie was there, as were Posh and Becks.
You know, International Sophisticate magazine
gave us five Gwyneths.
Karlie Kloss did like me!
I knew it!
I've already said goodbye to everyone else in my life,
my sister, my parents, Bey and Jay.
They took it very hard.
Don't sell yourself short, Michael.
I dare say, you're the greatest architect in existence,
and I should know.
- [All] Frank Gehry is my godfather.
- Fair enough, I deserved that.
- Once you're a big deal around here,
I hope you don't mind if I brag about knowing you.
- Name-dropping is a little gauche, Michael,
but do as you must.