it's gonna take you back to the past all
these refuse out of his desk rather a
crocodile his car rather eat some rotten
[ __ ]
[Music]
hello I'm the angry video game critic I
have a small penis
I'd like to eat elephant [ __ ] for
breakfast ha ha ha all right I'm not
gonna do that boys throughout the entire
video why I'm gonna do those review a
god-awful video game based off of a
god-awful feature film I'm of course
talking about the horrors of Bebe's kids
[Music]
for those of you who are fortunate
enough to pass this movie up I'll give
you the premise the film is about a guy
who has to take three bratty kids to an
amusement park as they do nothing but
cause trouble and panic the film was so
bad that even the trailer couldn't make
it sound good
I mean listen to this tagline beibei's
kid it's animation and that's about all
they can say about it they can't say
it's a good film a funny film or even a
film all they can say is it's animation
that's pretty bad because someone at
Universal foolishly thought this film
would be a hit
they did a video game tie-in for the
Super Nintendo now this film was based
on the stand-up comedy of Robin Harris
which he based on real-life events so
let me get this straight
I'm reviewing a game based on a movie
based on a stand-up based on some
woman's annoying kids well if that's not
the setup for the best damn video game
in the world I don't know what is let's
review this [ __ ] yes you can tell it's
been a while since I use this now all
right babies kids here we go so it
starts off with you entering the theme
park fun world well if you gotta put the
word fun in the title
chances are it's not gonna be that
enjoyable now you can either be a boy or
a girl and I'm gonna choose the boy so
you start off in the amusement park and
the first thing you notice is the sign
behind you
no vibes no Beavis no Beavis no vibes oh
boy we're in trouble
not only does this not make any sense
but you notice that all the letters are
capitalized except for the letter B why
the [ __ ] is that
wait a minute I just realized something
Beavis has the same number of letters as
vibes in fact it has all the same
letters vibes is actually an anagram for
Beavis so much so that they don't even
capitalize the B who when they rewrite
it and the pattern is always one vibes
to be versus never one Beavis into vibes
so it vibes is an anagram for beavis
Beavis is an anagram for vibes and they
always come to the order one two one two
that means absolutely nothing I just
wasted five minutes on this game and I'd
have even pushed a button yet alright so
you're walking through this amusement
park though it isn't really as much
walking as it is swimming through air
and you come across these people in
costumes they don't seem to be bothering
me so I just decided to move on oh well
the screen won't let me leave okay so I
guess I have to beat these guys up okay
that's kind of cool you get to hit
people in the crotch maybe this game
won't be so bad after all
yeah take that you mousey mats oh my god
I will never get tired of this oh my god
I am so tired of this these characters
take forever to kill and they move
around so much that they're hard even to
hit wait his hit fella okay that must
mean I'm close right thank God I don't
think I could have taken much more of
this oh my god okay all right I got one
in the corner this I'll make things go
faster come on die goddamnit die oh
thank god
now I have to get this [ __ ] right guy
hope he goes down a lot faster than the
other guy
whose sweet buttery Jesus this is like a
test and psychological torture just die
die die die die die die die die die
[Music]
actually there is a time limit there's a
time limit I can eat my way through a
wall faster than I can defeat these
[ __ ] and there's a time God
all right so in case you missed it it
took me a total of 35 hits to take down
just one of these guys 35 hits why are
you even trying to hit up they're barely
touching you all I do is stand there and
act like they're posing for GQ or
something
okay let's try this again maybe there's
something I'm missing I'll be the girl
this time maybe she's a little faster oh
she's the exact same speed in fact I
think she might even be a little slower
you bag of ass wait a minute what's that
it's a baseball good god there's
actually weapons in this game okay so
pick up the baseball good and rocked and
[Music]
it's not abxy it's not even lrr what's
it like to work no so what the [ __ ] do I
do what am I supposed to just look at it
Jesus Christ somebody help me out what
was that what was that how the [ __ ] did
I do that
oh is it any beat no it's an x and y no
L&R no oh come on there's not that many
button combinations left wave it there
it is there it is I got it I finally got
it okay so what's the combo el and why
are you [ __ ] me who ever heard of a
special move that was just el and why I
mean what's the point why not just
replace it with the kicking button I
mean that's totally useless well [ __ ] it
let's just see how much damage I can do
with this thing
oh you gotta be kidding me three heads I
could have killed these guys the whole
time with just three heads this game is
a bucket of balls now I know you're
thinking can I technically have checked
the instruction book for that well I
think they're giving the people who
bought this game a little too much
credit like that they can read all right
so what's the throwing combo Mel and B
well B's the jumping fun so that's
already confusing but let's see if I can
knock them out faster come here you'll
[ __ ] bunnies come here finally so how
many hits does it take to kill them with
a weapon three the exact same amount if
you just uppercut them well then what
the [ __ ] the point of having a weapon
then I don't know who gives a [ __ ] let's
just move on for the next level house of
glass okay so this should be at least a
little bit of fun alright so there's a
baby dropping some classes and a guy
catching them at the bottom okay well
good luck with that I'm gonna see where
the real adventure is I can't leave the
screen great so I guess this is the
adventure part what a [ __ ] load all
right so do I catch these things - oh
they hurt you so you want to stay away
from them do I stop this guy I can't
seem to so that's not it do I stop the
baby
well I can't reach him or climb up the
shelves so what the [ __ ] do I do
oh you break the glass Wow how the [ __ ]
am I supposed to figure that out
oh great now I'm out of time I really
hate that [ __ ] timer so I guess I
have to start over and break the glass
again right what they start me all the
way back to the beginning of the [ __ ]
game son of a [ __ ]
okay so I gotta go through all this [ __ ]
again and make it to the glass Shalit by
the way that's just incredible music
isn't it I mean [ __ ] the Mario games at
Legend of Zelda for having actual themes
of
all you need is five notes repeated over
and over and over [ __ ] in genius okay
here I am again and in case you missed
it you have to somehow break the glass
without actually touching it this is
sounding like a goddamn Zen riddle I
should also point out that you can only
punch once while in the air so why is
the baby dropping more than one glass at
a time it's not like you can hit it God
[ __ ] it let's just get this over with
alright so I finally beat the glass
level what's next
[Music]
okay so you go through all this [ __ ]
again back off your dick cheese and you
get to the next level which is a haunted
house fun here you have to battle
mummies damn annoying pads and pictures
that blows smoke rings at you why I
don't know I stopped bringing logic into
this long ago so not only is this place
filled with creepy ghouls and goblins
but it's also a [ __ ] maze oh that's
just great
so you have to go in and out of these
doors in order to get your way out of
the house but this is damn near
impossible seeing how every single room
looks exactly the same how am I supposed
to remember which room I've been in
there's one part where you pretty much
trapped in this room and you have to
find a way out
there's this black thing here I guess
it's supposed to be a mirror can I do
something here doesn't seem to do
anything there's this weird anime a
picture of what looks like spider-man
swinging by am I supposed to catch a
ride with him please spider-man get me
out of this hellhole what am I supposed
to do the clock is ticking I have no
idea what to do do you want me to read a
book well that makes you happy a little
[Music]
how the [ __ ] am I supposed to think
never mind let's just get the hell out
of here well wait a minute how come
sometimes when I go through a bookcase I
end up in a different room than I did
before
well apparently going to the left side
of the bookcase drops you off in one
room and going to the right side of the
bookies draft you off in another if a
bookcase opens up it spins around in a
circle so that means that there can only
be one room because if there's a wall
suffering the two rooms the bookcase
wouldn't open
so how can it lead to two separate rooms
it can't babies kids just dad apparently
there's this weird dildo thing at the
top of the screen that slowly changes to
red the closer you get to the exit but
so far it's just been blue because I
have no idea how to get out of this
place
how am I supposed to get out here every
room looks exactly the same still blue
still blue wait a minute
it's changing its changing color all
right let me try over here down below
dammit
and I can't go back in this [ __ ] door
let me try it again blue whoa huh it's
changing its changing there it goes it's
getting darker oh my god it's almost red
I do it I knew I could do it I know I
can pull it off
this is the worst game I've ever played
in my entire life it's such asked it's
such balls it just sucks well if you
think this is gonna get rid of me angry
video game there you are much mistaken
sure I will need years of psychological
therapy to recover from this but that
doesn't mean you've heard the last of me
all I can say angry video game nerd is
[ __ ] this game and [ __ ] you for making
me play Angry Video King I'll shut up
crit
[Music]