Next up, we have Alec Baldwin's beloved Maltese dogs.
They're in charge of Alec's emotional support,
and they're failing miserably. Give it up for Dama and Gitana.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Gitana and I are honored to celebrate a great man
and a great master, Alec Baldwin.
Mr. Yes, yes. Mr. Baldwin and I are so close,
he even carries my poop around in a bag.
He only does that for me and Robert de Niro.
No, no, sorry. Sorry. It's just a joke.
I'm sorry, deeply sorry. I won't do it again.
You're a great man. So sorry. I will never say it again.
What's the problem? What's going on here?
What the hell is going on? Listen to me.
Just say the lines I wrote, fuzzy bitch.
This is a big Comedy Central event.
You're embarrassing us in front of David Spade.
I'm trying to get work on Joe Dirt 3,
which is coming out on Crackle 4.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We're terrified of Mr. Baldwin.
Oh, I'm sorry.
When we shit on the rug, he makes us drink
out of the same bowl as his brother, Billy.
Okay. Okay, okay. You poor, poor kids.
I understand. Take it easy. Take it easy. Okay, here we go.
Here, have some of this. You'll feel better.
I'll read the jokes. Hold on. There we go.
Where's the teleprompter? You guys just eat that.
There you go. There you go. I'll tell the jokes.
All right. Okay. Thank you, you're very good.
Okay, let's get to the jokes. Just... You're good.
Just breathe through your nose, honey.
Let me get to these jokes.
Okay. Hello Alec, and good evening folks.
You see, dogs always greet the asshole first.
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
There you go. Okay. It's there if you want it.
Okay. Where was I? I kid, I kid.
Alec Baldwin is so kind. He loves all animals.
Alec is anti-fur, which is just one more thing
he has in common with Jeffrey Epstein.
Yes. Alec is an old Irish soul, who cherishes the written word.
I can't count the number of times
Alec has insisted on having his favorite passages
read to him over and over.
But enough about his Miranda rights.
Alec is a sensitive artist at heart.
Alec's written two books, a one-man show,
and the word whore on his ex wife's windshield.
You're sure? Okay. Here, just take it.
This is not a Caitlyn Jenner joke, by the way.
It's not. I don't have Chapelle money.
I can't afford it.
Some comics have FU money. Chapelle has F LGBTQ money.
Caitlyn bravely took us through her transition and inspired us,
and there's Caroline Rhea,
who herself is completing her transition
from working entertainer to professional telemarketer.
Alec, truly, I'm sorry.
You deserved a dais of stars more worthy of you.
I thought Jimmy Kimmel was here tonight,
but I was just smelling Adam Carolla's finger.
You see, because you pleasure Kimmel anally.
That's all. We're having fun.
But Alec, let's not kid ourselves.
You're a fine man and you're an outstanding actor.
Tell us, what was it like doing an impression of Trump?
All that anger, all that shameless narcissism.
How did you dial it down to play Trump?
Seriously, you're so self-important
and arrogant and violent,
Conor McGregor thinks you're a negative Irish stereotype.
Goodnight, folks. You've been a great crowd...
For me to poop on.