- Hey everybody, happy Monday.
Today I wanna talk about what to do
when we feel stuck in therapy.
And I'll be honest here as a therapist,
I know that I feel better when my patients are improving
and moving along towards their goals.
That's really why I do what I do.
Therefore, I understand how frustrating
and disheartening it can be
to seek out help and be working on ourselves
but not feel like we're getting anywhere.
And I have even on occasion worried
that maybe I'm not doing my job correctly
or that I'm not a good fit for my patient.
There is just so much to unpack here.
And I've heard from many of you
that you've gone through this
or you're currently going through it,
so let's get into it.
First of all,
know that there will always be times in therapy
when we feel stuck
or as if we're sliding back into old unhealthy behaviors.
But like I've always said, "it's a process, not perfection."
So don't think that you're stagnancy means you can't
or won't get better.
It just means that you're human
and that we have to figure out why it's happening
and work to overcome it.
So let's get into six ways to overcome that stuck feeling.
And number one is, you guessed it, talk about it in therapy.
Like I'm always saying therapy is a great place
to practice our communication skills.
And if we don't feel like we're getting any better
or hard finding therapy to be very helpful,
it's perfectly okay to bring this up.
You could just say something like,
"you know, I just haven't felt like
the homework you're giving me is really helping,"
or, "I just don't feel like I'm getting any better,
even though I've been coming in
week after week for quite a few months now."
Do what you can to bring it up
and know that your therapist
won't think you're being hurtful or anything like that.
Therapy is your time,
and it's all about you and your progress.
The sooner we bring it up,
the more quickly we can work on it, so go for it.
And I'm not gonna lie as a therapist,
if I feel this is happening, the stagnancy,
I won't hesitate to bring it up,
so that we can figure out what the heck is going on
and work together to get you back on track.
Ignoring what's going on will only make it worse,
not to mention waste your time and money.
Number two, one of my go to ways for dealing with this
is to take another look at your goals.
Maybe your goals need to shift,
or perhaps we made them so long ago
that they just don't even apply anymore.
It could also be that we thought
the goals were gonna be easy to complete in a timely manner,
but we uncovered some other things
that are more important to work on now.
I can't tell you how many of my patients have come in
for anxiety or depression symptoms
and through our time together,
we uncovered past emotional abuse or other traumas,
so we shift our focus onto that.
Whatever the reason,
it can be helpful to talk about your goals now,
see if they're still in line with what we're working on
and what we want to get out of therapy.
It's completely okay to change them along the way
so don't worry about that.
Next up, we need to take it beyond validation.
So often therapists get caught in this trap
of validating everything their patient says
without offering another perspective
or challenging some of those faulty thoughts.
This cannot only make us feel stuck,
but it can also exacerbate our current issues.
Make us think that they're bigger than they are
and fan the flames of our negative thought cycles.
So notice if your therapist isn't challenging you
or encouraging you to see things from another perspective,
you can bring this up by saying something like,
"hey, Jenna," or whatever their name is,
"I'm gonna need you to challenge me a bit more
when I get caught up in these negative thoughts.
Otherwise I just find my mind running away with it
and I end up feeling worse."
Again, it's okay to say this, trust me,
I've said this to my own therapist before
and she knew what I meant.
She gave me more tough love,
which is what I really, really needed at the time.
And on the other hand, if you are the therapist,
make sure you aren't feeding
into your patient's unhelpful thoughts.
We can validate,
help them identify, you know,
patterns of thought or behaviors
and work with them to make them more positive and helpful.
Doing so isn't harmful or damaging as long as
we communicate with our patients about
why we're pushing them on this.
So get in there, do it, validate,
and then we'll make some change.
Number four, check your boundaries.
I spoke in a recent video
about what I wish people knew about therapists,
and one of those things was that it's important therapists
don't work harder than their patients.
If we, as the patients are waiting for our therapist
to fix us or make everything feel better,
we'll be waiting for ever.
A therapist can only guide you towards the right path
and then you're gonna have to do the work, I'm sorry.
I know it's hard,
but a therapist cannot be with us 24/7
to make sure that we do what we said we would,
that's on us and we have to take responsibility for that.
Again, on the other hand, as a therapist,
it's important to check in with myself
about how much work I'm doing.
And if I am in fact, working harder than my patient,
I'm gonna have to bring that up in session
and reset the boundaries of therapy with my patient,
owning up to the fact that I was the one to overstep.
In all honesty, or at least in my experience,
I think this deepens the therapeutic relationship
and can help our patients see us as real people and an ally.
My fifth tip is to dig deeper.
Like I said, at the beginning,
we often come into therapy for one thing,
only to discover an entirely different or deeper issue.
Therefore, if we're working hard in therapy,
we like our therapist and we still feel stuck,
maybe it's something else that's holding us back.
This could be a past trauma we've repressed
or unprocessed guilt or upset
or deeply seated confidence issues
or a toxic relationship that we're still in,
the list is endless.
If you can't think of anything else
that could be upsetting you, bring this possibility
or kind of curiosity up to your therapist
and let them ask some questions,
help you dig deeper into what's going on.
So often it's another underlying event
that's preventing us from moving forward,
so it's always worth considering.
Six and finally,
I have to check myself.
Anytime there's an issue with a patient,
whether they are upset,
resisting help or feeling stuck,
it's important to check in on my own shit.
Did I miss something?
Did I ask all of the followup questions
about that situation or upset?
Did I possibly do something in session to cause this halt?
Maybe there's transference that I didn't note or call out
or even worse, maybe I need to get into my own therapy
to sort out some of my own
countertransference happening.
And if you don't know what I'm talking about,
transference is when we transfer another relationship
on to the relationship that we have with our therapist
and we start treating them that way.
Like if I have issues with my mom,
I may start talking to and treating my therapist
like I would talk to and treat her.
And countertransference is when I as your therapist,
react to you treating me like your mom.
And then I act out on my own shit,
like raising my voice and validating you
or having my own emotional response.
It's harmful and detrimental to the therapeutic process
if it's not talked about.
So I always check in with myself,
how am I handling things
and even consult with other mental health professionals
to ensure that I'm not missing something.
Now, obviously I know that this last one
is specific to therapists themselves,
but as a patient it can be helpful too, if you're able,
to notice if there's some transference going on.
Like, are you extra angry or mad or sad with your therapist?
Do you feel overly connected or attached to them?
Do you find yourself acting like a child self
when you're there and that doesn't happen anywhere else?
These are all things to considered when we're in therapy,
but most importantly, when we're feeling stuck in therapy.
Now I know that's only six possible ways to get unstuck.
So I wanna hear from you,
have you felt this way in therapy?
What did you do or what did your therapist do
to help you keep moving forward?
Please share that in those comments down below
and I will see you next time.
Bye.
(upbeat music)
Hey, just jumped in here to let you know
that I have launched two podcasts this year.
The first one is called, Ask Kati Anything or AKA
and it's just me answering
all of your mental health questions for about an hour.
And the other is called Opinions That Don't Matter
with my husband, Sean.
We talk about what grinds our gears,
funny stories from that week
and offer our opinions on things
we have no business talking about.
You can find them both on
whatever podcast platform you prefer
and we also release a video version here on YouTube.
The link to our podcast channel is in the description,
or you can search for Opinions That Don't Matter on YouTube.
Enjoy.
(soft music)