“If you could be any person – currently living – who would you be and why?”
Just for like a day?
(Yeah.)
Currently living? 5 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:07,480 (Yes.)
Oh, this is your question?
(Yes.)
I— This is from Kelly and Rachel.
[Second Voice] (It’s my question.)
It’s your question. Ok.
Why did you just hijack her question?
[First voice] (She said if I was picked)
[First voice] (Then it’s my question!)
Say what?
[Second voice] (She really wanted a question—)
Oh.
[Kelly and Rachel talking at the same time]
And then you—
Oh, you didn’t—
Ok.
Both of you wanted the question.
[First voice] (Yes.)
There’s a bus and you guys are both equally pushing each other under it.
Uh, who would it be, um...
Steven Seagal.
You know he just lives in Russia?
I’d be like what—
Oh I have to be them?
Oh, I’d wanna meet him and be like,
“What’s your deal, dude?
What’s going on in Moscow?”
If I could be anyone...
I would be, like, Shaquille O’Neal and then Danny DeVito.
Just for, like, the change of perspective.
Shaq for the first twelve hours, Danny DeVito for the back twelve.
It would be cool.
Sometimes, like, my wife is 5’1”.
So, sometimes I’ll do this, I’ll be like,
“Hey, is this what the world looks like to you?
This is so weird.”
She’s like, “Shut up!”
And I’m like, “Alright.”
Ok, this is from Abu.
A-B-U.
That’s you?
Cool.
“Show us your hidden talent.”
Damn.
Wait, this wasn’t— like all of this wasn’t enough?
You’re like,
“What else can you do?
It was fine, but...”
Uh, what is my hidden talent...
Uh, what is it...
Uh, autocrats don’t like me, I guess?
That’s a good talent.
You know what’s crazy?
Last week we did our China episode.
Is anyone here from mainland China, out of curiosity?
No one? Ok, cool.
Alright, we didn’t hit that target demo.
But someone was like, “Hey, we put up your episode on Weibo.”
Which is, like, their version of, like,
it’s a social media platform.
And they’re like,
“It’s still up. Looks like you’re not that popular.”
I really took it to heart.
I was like, “Man.
I guess I didn’t piss off President Xi.”
“As a new dad and first generation immigrant,
what about your childhood/upbringing will you pass on to your daughter?”
Um, ok.
Um,
Eddie, I’ve talked to you about this.
[Eddie] (Yeah.)
(My daughter has my sense of humor,)
(She’s like a wacko.)
Your daughter has your sense of humor?
(Yeah, yeah.)
(And my son has my wife’s personality.)
(What about you?)
Wait, wait.
Um,
I mean, she’s small, man, she’s eleven months.
It would be weird if I was just like,
“Yeah, she’s like, she’s really good at comedy.
Her timing’s great.
She’s a good writer.
She’s a cinephile.”
No, uh, I know the thing that I can’t do.
Like that dies at my generation,
is hitting your kids.
That’s like it, you know what I mean?
You can’t do that.
Yeah.
That’s gonna be in like, museums.
You know like, the ‘Museum of Immigrant Parents.’
And there will be just like a wax statue.
It’ll be like the back hand.
And it’ll be like, “When was that?”
And a person will be like, “1991.”
“That was four thousand years ago.
Why did they do that?”
“He got an A minus.”
“What is your opinion on juuling?”
This is from Kate.
And Kate added her Insta,
her Twitter,
and your Venmo.
This is egregious!
[Kate] (I’m a broke college student!)
You’re a broke college student,
but you just straight up just put—
What were you—
have you done this at other tapings?
Where you’re like,
“I went to Jimmy Fallon,
I just put my Venmo down and
$40 just appeared!”
“I just broke up from a four year relationship,
will I ever find the one? Help!”
There’s no name on that.
This is the one that I think deserves a name.
I was gonna— ok, look—
[several people] (Right here!)
Ok, so, I’m so sorry.
But you seem very lovely and happy now.
She is?
(She is!)
Ok, good.
I think there’s 200 people here, that uh,
they seem to have, like, good taste.
Pretty smart.
hey’re into political comedy.
Um, I say shoot your shot.
“What is one thing that isn’t a person,
that you miss about The Daily Show?”
That isn’t a person?
A person?
But—
I know, but you’re just like,
“You know, the prompter. The desks are great. I got an ergonomic desk.”
Like, “What inanimate object do you...?”
Uh, what do I miss besides...
Uh, what do I miss?
And it can’t be people?
This is tough. It isn’t a person.
I love everyone there, they’re like family.
But I have to be like, “Oh man, lunches on Thursdays.”
Eddie, if you had to answer that,
how would you answer that?
Like, what is the one thing you love most about this job besides people.
You can’t name a person.
It’s a hard question, right?
Ok. That’s fair enough. The slate?!
What did I think was really fun there?
You know what? The Daily Show dogs.
Jon made it like a dog-friendly office.
And I originally was very afraid of dogs.
Um, a lot of you guys know our general position about dogs.
But then like when I was in the office,
like, you’d be sitting in a writer’s meeting,
and they’d like come up to you, they’d put their paw on your, you know.
And, like, they would look up at you, like,
“Hey, let’s be friends.”
‘Cause I used to be like, “Man, get this dog away from me.”
Like my position on dogs was, like, that,
remember that Kerpal skit?
Like, “Man, I’ll kick this dog. Get it away from me.”
But then I was like,
no they’re, like, you can see the humanity in their eyes,
they just wanna be friends with you.
So yeah, yeah.
I still think when they take a dump inside, it’s gross.