- You can't finger fuck a middle aged woman.
(audience laughing)
That's disrespectful.
(audience laughing)
It's just like rude.
It's fucking rude.
(upbeat music)
- You didn't listen.
I don't understand what to tell you.
I have been fingered when I'm dry, so many times this year.
It is truly an act of terrorism.
I am so sick of it.
(audience laughing)
You should not ever finger a dry vagina.
Ever, it should never happen.
And when you get fingered when you're dry, as a woman,
it's the same as if we took your limp dick
and we're just like, come on, come on.
(audience laughing)
We would never do that to you.
- My friend's boyfriend doesn't know how
to finger her properly.
- I'm off-duty, sorry.
- He's really bad at it.
- Tell your friend's boyfriend to look up
something called the clock technique.
It looks a bit complicated at first, granted.
But once you get it right, the results are astounding.
- It's you.
You're my friend's boyfriend.
You're bad at fingering.
Please don't tell Ola I said anything,
but sort it out.
(quiet music)
(audience laughing)
- Remember finger fucking?
Remember that, remember finger popping?
(audience laughing)
Remember sticking your fingers in her?
Just ahh.
(audience laughing)
That's a young man's game.
Finger banging.
(audience laughing)
That's a young man's game.
You can't, you know what I mean?
Like you can't finger bang.
I can't finger bang.
(audience laughing)
My carpal tunnel would kick in, like a minute and a half in.
(audience laughing)
Oh fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
(audience laughing)
She'd have to rub CBD oil on my wrist and elbow.
(audience laughing)
This is sexy.
No man, she'd be on a dinner date, we'd get in the car.
I'm like, you like that?
No!
I don't.
(audience laughing)
I'm full, asshole.
(audience laughing)
Why would I, I have to pee now?
Great, now I have to pee.
Yes I'm mad.
We just went to Tony Roma's,
you had the ribs and didn't wash your hands.
(audience laughing)
Yes, I'm fucking mad.
I don't even eat their ribs,
now the sauce is in my vag..
(coughing)
I'm gonna throw up.
I'm gonna throw up on my vagina.
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna throw up on my vagina in a Honda CRV.
Thanks for the dream life fuck-face.
(audience laughing)
I gotta wash my coochy at a Mobil on the way home.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I married a fucking idiot.
Pull over.
(audience laughing)
No a baby wipe's not gonna cut it!
Pull over!
- I'm serious guys.
You gotta cut it out with the dry fingering.
It's truly, it's devastating.
It sucks.
And I've tried different ways to avoid
getting fingered while dry.
That's why my pants keep getting higher and higher,
as I'm building in more track time for me.
When you're on your way down to make myself wet.
I'm just like, get wet, get wet, for the summer get wet.
And I never do.
You always get down there and then I hear a squeak.
And I'm like fuck, he thinks I'm menopausal!
(audience laughing)
I've gone as far as like,
if I know a guy's gonna be worthless,
I'll finger myself on the cab ride to dinner with him.
Just to get a nice sheen going before we break bread.
I don't trust you anymore.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, sometimes guys when they spit on you,
it's like almost insulting.
Because sometimes I work so hard to get myself wet
and I wanna like show it off.
And sometimes the guys do (blowing), like just do it.
I'm like hmm, don't salt your food before you try it.
Like can you at least like--
(audience laughing)
Respect the chef.
Like I--
(audience laughing)
- Young guys love to finger bang.
(audience laughing)
Young people finger fuck outside.
They don't give a shit.
Women don't care either.
You know there's people, just look normal, look normal.
(audience laughing)
People calling the cops.
Yeah there's a young girl nodding off
from heroine on front of the Rio right now.
(audience laughing)
You can't finger fuck a middle aged woman.
(audience laughing)
That's disrespectful.
(audience laughing)
It's just like rude.
It's fucking rude.
It's creepy.
If I saw you finger fucking her, outside.
I'm like, sir, leave her alone.
Stop that.
(audience laughing)
Call 911, call them now.
Ma'am, look at me, are you all right?
(audience laughing)
Is that how you take your medicine?
Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Talk to us.
We're here to help you.
(tense music)
- I need your advice.
Pretty, I'm bad at fingering.
Really bad and my girlfriend is actively avoiding me.
Please help.
- Okay.
(book slams)
But only because I pity you.
Show me what you did then.
- I was about to eat that.
- You want me to...
- Ah hm.
- Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
Well I, I start it at,
I start it at 12 o'clock.
And then three o'clock.
And then it's back down to six, oh it's juicy.
Then it's nine.
- Congratulations, you can tell the time.
- Then I carried on clockwise.
Then flipped it, anticlockwise.
- So you DJ'd on her vag?
What's with the clock thing?
- It's a technique.
- It's weird.
Continue.
- Well I sort of continued that motion.
Oh then I had a spread, which is kinda like that.
That's good.
And continued to apply pressure.
- Oh stop jabbing.
- I'm not really jabbing.
- I think I'd know, it's my orange.
- Actually it's my orange.
(shushing)
- This is ridiculous, sorry.
- Look.
There's no magic technique that works with all women.
Every orange is different.
But you shouldn't be asking me,
you should be asking your girlfriend.
Tune into her orange.
- Yeah.
- Okay we're done now.
- Thank you.
(gentle music)
(upbeat music)