President Joseph Ramaphosa Biden.
Over the weekend, Biden took a short break
from his day-to-day presidenting
to catch the Super Bowl from his home in Delaware.
And if you aren't immediately outraged about that,
well, you obviously haven't been watching
the last 48 hours of conservative news media.
Joe Biden is planning to travel across state lines
to watch the Super Bowl,
despite calls from the CDC not to travel.
Biden and his wife Jill are going to spend the weekend
at their Delaware home. Now, this, just a few days
after the CDC warned Americans against traveling this weekend,
stressing it could increase their chances
of spreading the coronavirus.
What happened to the suggestion that you shouldn't travel
during this, uh, COVID epidemic?
MAN: He-He's setting a horrible example and he's not practicing
what he preaches in any shape, form or fashion,
and if he really thinks that, uh, going out and traveling
at this particular point in time is putting people at risk,
then he's doing exactly that. He's putting thousands
and thousands of people at risk by doing this.
Uh, it's very hypocritical.
Why does he need to go... You know, what's wrong
with the White House? What's wrong with spending
-the weekend in the White House? -I guess...
Unbelievable.
You are setting a horrible example, Joe.
If you go to your home in Delaware,
soon, everyone will go to your home in Delaware.
And then, they'll expect snacks, Joe.
And what are you going to do--
buy tortilla chips for 300 million people?
There's no way the store has that many,
so you're going to have to get those quinoa chips,
and I know they're better for you,
but they taste like cardboard, Joe.
And don't tell me, "Oh, but Trevor, isn't it different
because he's the president, and he's flying on Air Force One?"
No! What if I fly on Air Force One
right after Joe Biden? Huh?
Coronavirus can linger for hours, people.
And I also know that people are saying, "Oh, come on.
"Why are you criticizing Biden
"for traveling during the pandemic
"when Donald Trump spent every weekend golfing
"and coughing on the Mar-a-Lago buffet table
and hosting rallies at the same time?"
But that's not the same!
Donald Trump wasn't being a hypocrite
because he wanted people to die of COVID.
But it's not surprising
that Biden bent the travel rules for himself.
Because he's been president for less than three weeks,
and already, he's had more scandals
than we can keep track of.
Although, my friends, we are going to try,
in our branch-new segment, "Joe Biden:
the Worst President in History That We Can Remember."
? ?
It will never happen.
There are two things that are unforgivable
for any American politicians.
Releasing the aliens from Area 51
and insulting the troops.
And last week,
Biden's press secretary launched a gratuitous attack
on the newest and bravest troops of all.
STUART VARNEY: White House Jen Psaki facing criticism
for mocking the Space Force.
May I ask whether the president has made a decision
on keeping or in keeping the scope of Space Force?
Wow. Space Force.
It is an interesting question.
Um, I am happy to check
with our Space Force point of contact.
I'm not sure who that is.
I will find out and see if we have any update on that.
Well, the top Republican
on the House Armed Services Committee
is now calling that comment disgraceful,
and he's asking the White House press secretary Jen Psaki
to apologize.
She's literally openly mocking a branch of military
that was actually enacted by Congress
with Democratic support.
There is some arrogance there.
There's a little condescension, as well.
A hundred years from now, the Space Force will be
one of the important parts of our military.
This is no joke.
How dare you, Jen Psaki.
Space Force is an illustrious branch of the military
that was formed an entire year ago
because Donald Trump had a weird sex dream about Alf.
If you're gonna mock Space Force, maybe,
maybe you should mock all the people who were cut in half
when Neptune stole Saturn's rings and threw them at Earth.
Oh, wait. That never happened,
because Space Force saved us.
Space Force is no joke, okay? This isn't funny.
America's sending troops to space
where they have to poop in a little bag.
You think that's funny?
And if the bag gets too full, the poop escapes,
and they have to chase the floating poop
around the spaceship. Does that sound funny to you guys?
A bunch of guys in fancy uniforms
floating around a room, trying to grab a poop.
And then their boss opens the door, and he says,
"What's going on? Aah!"
And then, the poop goes in his mouth.
Is that a joke to you?
You think any of this shit is funny, huh?
Now, insulting the military is bad enough,
but before the Space Force scandal had even died down,
Joe Biden took things a step further.
This time attacking the honor and decency
of our heroes in law enforcement.
There is some controversy over comments
that the new president made about these...
about FBI agents as a generality.
He made these comments,
and it's getting a lot of reaction. Listen.
By and large, the vast, vast majority
of these men and women are decent, honorable people.
What should be taken away from that, for him to say,
"The vast majority
of men and women are decent, honorable people"?
Why suddenly, the-the qualifiers on, you know, the arbitration
of who's a good guy and who's a bad guy?
What percentage of people are we talking?
Are 80%, uh, good and decent people at the FBI? 90?
Uh, can you be more specific?
Yeah, Joe Biden, be more specific.
Is it 99%, or is there just one bad guy, huh?
Is it Doug?
It's totally Doug, isn't it? I knew it!
You know he cheats on Margaret, right?
Like, what have you heard?
But this is just reprehensible.
How dare you say that the vast, vast majority
of FBI agents are honorable,
when clearly, it is the vast, vast, vast majority.
I mean, if you cared about those agents at all,
you would have thrown in a third "vast."
And I especially understand why this must have been a shock
for the folks over at Fox News
to hear a president slander the brave members
of the corrupt deep state like that.
I mean...
I just hope that decent, honorable scumbags
like James Comey don't hear about this.
(crying)
Now look, it's not surprising
that Joe Biden is bringing scandal to the White House.
I mean, after all, his entire campaign was little more
than just a front to launder money for his son Hunter Biden.
And just as everyone predicted,
Hunter is already turning Daddy's presidency
into his own personal piggy bank.
NEWSWOMAN: So, Hunter Biden has a new book
that is set to come out within his father's first 100 days.
NEWSWOMAN 2: But critics are pointing out,
President Biden said his family wasn't going to do this.
They weren't going to cash in on his presidency.
Did he write a book for free?
The real concern here, though, is,
Simon & Schuster is... is the... is the, uh,
is the company that cancelled Josh Hawley and his book,
but they're doing the book for Hunter Biden.
How will this book be used?
Will, uh... will it be kind of a test of loyalty
to Joe Biden to buy the book?
Will there be mass sales?
Yes, my friends, welcome to Joe Biden's America.
Where if you want a COVID vaccine,
you'll have to pass a pop quiz on Hunter Biden's book.
What important lesson did Hunter Biden learn
in chapter nine?
Uh, to believe in himself?
Wrong! Give him COVID!
And what if you're getting the vaccine?
Biden will still know if you bought the book.
You know why?
Because our bookshelves are in the background
of all our Zoom meetings.
Did Joe Biden engineer the coronavirus just
to make sure we all bought his son's book?
I'm just asking questions, but, yes, that's what happened.
This is what we're facing, people--
scandal, after scandal, after scandal.
The unfortunate truth is that Joe Biden's incapable
of doing literally anything right as president.
In fact, even before his first day in office was finished,
Biden had racked up three major scandals.
Joe Biden made fighting the coronavirus pandemic
the main staple of his campaign.
However, many have noticed
that Biden and other high-level officials
at his own inauguration were failing to socially distance.
Even wearing their masks was, at times, optional,
or not correct, the way they were doing it
when they were within six feet of others.
Look, there was a lot of hugging going on.
And these were not necessarily people who shared bubbles.
Joe Biden hired private security
as if he were not satisfied
with the National Guard and the military.
He wanted even more guns at his behest.
Joe Biden jumped the gun a little bit today.
He got sworn in at ten minutes to noon.
I don't mean to nitpick,
but, um, it does say noon, according to the law.
That's right.
Joe Biden stole ten minutes of Donald Trump's presidency.
Or as Fox News calls it, "Ten Ghazi."
Who knows what Trump could have accomplished
in those ten minutes?
I mean, maybe that's when he was finally
gonna release his health care plan.
He could have used that time to walk down half a ramp.
And do you have any idea how much Fox News
Trump could have watched in that ten minutes?
Like, ten minutes.
So those are the many Joe Biden scandals exposed
by the muckraking journalists of conservative media
in just his first three weeks in office.
And who knows. By this time tomorrow, we could find out
that Biden left the toilet seat up,
or even worse-- spoiled the end of WandaVision.