It’s March 14th which means it’s time to celebrate the worst number in the universe.
Now, I know that usually on Pi day 3.1 million people flood the streets to celebrate or protest,
but this year due to the new coronavirus we are having a purely online event so I will
have to ask you to please restrain yourself somehow from gathering into a large pi-enthused
or pi-furious crowd.
Now I know you’re thinking, well, if everyone’s gonna get this virus anyway why not get out
there with your pro or anti-pi signs, get in a fight, express yourself with vigor and
spittle?
I mean, new coronavirus cases are growing exponentially, before too long there will
be 3.14 million cases worldwide and if the exponential trend continues then after that
there will be 3.14 trillion people who have it and there’s not even that many people
on the planet which I guess means we gave it to aliens, or maybe time travel or zombies
are involved?
I don’t know exactly how it’s gonna happen but the math checks out.
Probably aliens.
And you know what?
Pi is the real problem here, because Pi is buddies with e and e is so fundamentally intertwined
with exponential growth that if the coronavirus has exponential growth then e definitely has
also caught it by now and so Pi…
Is that a cough, Pi?
Do you have a fever?
Ok so maybe there’s other curves in mathematics besides the pure exponential, like the sigmoid,
which, I dunno, sigmoid kinda sounds like an alien to me, and sure the sigmoid tapers
off eventually, maybe at like some percentage of the human population, maybe more, including
aliens, or ghosts, but the beginning is still exponentially increasing so e is still involved
and probably Pi and e weren’t very careful about not spreading it between them because
they figured if e gets it Pi is getting it no matter what so why bother, I guess Pi didn’t
realize you get less sick if you just get coughed on once than if you’re makin out
with each other all day and if you think Pi and e aren’t that close in this equation
well maybe Pi got it while commuting, long story short I’m not saying you can’t use
Pi in your calculations, but don’t you think the right thing for Pi to do is take a sick
day this Pi Day?
I mean if you’re Pi’s boss and you’re saying Pi, I need you to come help me with
this circumference, then you’re partly responsible when Pi shows up despite being sick and then
ALL the other numbers you need start getting sick too.
Or maybe you can’t get a virus from a mathematical abstraction, but you still have to worry about
the physical pi-day pies.
May I suggest that for safety reasons you eat all 2-pi radians by yourself.
Also don’t share your pi glass of water (which is like a half glass of water but half
the long way), and definitely don’t share your 3.1fork.
Now you may be thinking, well, Tau is 2*Pi so if Pi gets the new virus then Tau will
too, and realistically Tau is probably going to get sick, if not from Pi then from 2 or
I dunno, planck’s constant or something.
But there’s a big difference to the world between the scenario where numbers get sick
just a few at a time, and the scenario where a lot of numbers get sick at the same time.
Especially for e, pi, and tau, which are pretty old numbers.
If they get the new coronavirus they’ll probably have to go to Hilbert Hospital to
help them get better, but Hilbert Hospital doesn’t have enough room to fit all the
numbers.
So if Pi goes to school or work even though it has a cough or a fever, and then it spreads
the virus even just to a small area of neighboring numbers it could mean there’s no room left
in the hospital and all those numbers die and no one can do calculations involving circles
anymore and that’s it for technology, no more internet, no more games, wheels just
stop working, it’s like dividing by zero.
But, say Pi washes their hands frequently with soap and water, stays home, and calls
their healthcare provider.
Maybe a friend volunteers to drop off some supplies so Pi doesn’t have to go to the
store.
It might not save the world, but it does save lives.
If Tau gets coronavirus even just a day or two later than it would’ve otherwise, by
then maybe e is feeling better so there’s room in the hospital and both Pi and Tau live
and we can have round things again, happy Pi Day!
Which by the way coronaviruses are called coronavirus because the virus itself has a
mathy roundyshape with sticky-outy-bits like a corona, a crown, and it's made out of stuff
that soap smooshes apart which is why soap is antiviral as long as you smoosh it around
real good, take that coronavirus, get ‘em, yeah, smoosh those shapes, smoosh those shapes,
smoosh those…