I once sacked a member of my staff because he showed
absolutely no sense of humour during a house fire.
David's team.
What was burning? The house.
No, but...
..where in the house did the fire start?
In our living room.
And this member of staff, what was his job?
He was my husband's assistant at the time.
OK.
You fired him cos he DIDN'T find it amusing? Yes.
Why did you find it amusing?
RANJ: Did you start it?
No...
No! Well, yes, but no.
How did it begin, Sharon? How did this happen?
Christmas... Yes.
..beautiful, kind of, you know, chilly, Christmas night,
and my hubby and I thought,
"Oh, well, let's light this beautiful gift,"
that somebody had just given us.
And it was this big candle
in this copper kind of vessel that it's in.
And we turned the lights out and we watched a Christmas movie,
and then we went up to bed.
We'll draw a veil there.
What happened then?
This alarm was ringing and ringing. An alarm went off?
Yes, a fire alarm.
Was Ozzy keen to go down and have a look?
Yes, I sent him down. Ah, OK.
He's going, "I can't go down - I'm flammable!"
And so he went down and suddenly I hear my name being called.
SOFTLY: "Sharon! Sharon!"
"Help me! Help me!"
It's the Ghost of Christmas Past!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I went downstairs and, there he was in the living room,
and his arm was on fire.
His what?! Arm. His arm?
Was he in pyjamas, or...? What's he got on?
No, he had a sling on like this... His sling was on fire?
And half his hair. Half his hair? Half his hair was all on fire.
So, um... So, you started laughing?
Yes! So, then...
Where was this assistant during all of this? Why...?
Sleeping.
So, anyways...
How dare he?
And by this time, the candle had melted
this thing that wasn't copper.
It was like...cheapo. It wasn't copper.
Ooh, that's illegal. that - pretending to be a copper.
But, you see, in America...
I just got it.
Anyway, so, I picked up the magazine
and I'm hitting Ozzy with the magazine. Yeah? Not...
"You idiot! Don't catch fire!" Yes!
And I'm thinking, "Why isn't it...?"
And then the magazine caught on fire.
Was it Heat?
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
So, then, outside, there was a fountain. Right.
So, I pushed Ozzy out...
You threw him in the fountain? Made a wish.
The arm and his hair stops.
ROB IMITATES SIZZLING Yes.
And then, I think. "Right, where is that...of an assistant?"
So, I go into the guesthouse... Yes.
..and he's going, "Everything all right?" You know?
And I'm like, "No! The house is on fire!
"Get out. Help! Go in, and get the paintings out."
It's what a personal assistant's number-one job -
go into a burning building and get the art out.
"Fetch that magic eye!" Yeah.
"The cat calendar in the kitchen -
"there's still four days to go on it!"
And there were dogs, and I said, "You must go in and find the dogs."
Yeah.
And so, he was, like, humming and hawing, this EX-assistant.
So, anyway, he did get the dogs.
And so the fire engines arrived. Very lovely people.
And then they came and they had this oxygen for the assistant.
So, then I said to him... Yes?
.."How very dare you.
"You work here and you get more paintings out right now."
"Yeah, you can oxygenate your blood on your own time."
And I took the mask... You didn't take the mask off him!
I took the mask and I put it on my dog.
Seriously? Yes.
You said on the card that you sacked him for not having a sense of humour.
Isn't that what you said? Yes, because...
Where's the humour in all of this?
Well, after this terrible night, he was not talking to me.
And Ozzy and I were recounting everything,
and we were laughing and laughing.
And he goes, "I don't see what's funny about any of this!"
and he said, "I think I'm going to have damaged lungs."
And, I mean, please! So, then...I said...
.."If you don't think that's funny, do you think this is funny?"
And he goes, "What?"
I said, "You're fired."
You used the word "fired"?!
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
All right, Liz, what are you thinking?
I 100% believe this story.
So, totally true for you? Yeah. Stephen?
I think I'm inclined to agree with Liz.
There was a lot of very, very good detail.
So, you're going to say it's true? 100%. I think we are.
And I think we're hoping that it's true. Yeah, yeah.
Sharon, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?
Well, the answer is, it's...
..true!