[LAUGHTER]
BEHOLD, THE FIRST IMPEACHMENT
EVER BASED ON IMAGINATION.
FIRST LOOK AT THIS SAD BUNCH.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S LIKE THE LAST SUPPER AT THE
COUNTER AT WENDY'S.
WHEN THEY COULD FIND NO CRIME,
THEY STEAL THE PLOT OF MINORITY
REPORT.
LET'S STOP TRAUMA FROM DOING
STUFF HE HASN'T DONE YET.
BECAUSE THE STUFF THEY HAD ON
HIM WAS GARBAGE.
THE DOSSIER, I WONDER IF KELLY
KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS?
>> IT'S A GOOD TIME TO REMIND
EVERYBODY DOSSIER IS A FRENCH
TERM FOR A LOAD OF CRAB.
[LAUGHTER]
GOTTA LOVE HER.
STILL THE MEDIA GOBBLED UP THIS
DREAM BASED ON DRUNKEN GOSSIP.
A FANTASY DESIGNED YET MICHAEL
MORE HORNY.
REMEMBER BOUDIN HIRED HOGAN TO
DEFILE A BED WHERE THE OBAMA'S
ONCE LEFT ALL OF THE PRESENCE OF
EVERONE DONALD DONALD TRUMP.
ALL THAT WAS MISSING WAS A TOY.
[LAUGHTER]
STILL, THE MEDIA BOUGHT IT
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.
IT WAS A DILEMMA FOR ME.
THE MEDIA AND THE DEMS ARE LIKE
A PERSON YOU KNOW THAT'S MAKING
A DISASTROUS DECISION LIKE A
MARRYING CHARLIE SHEEN.
YOU WANT TO SAY NO NO NO NO NO
DON'T DO THAT.
BUT YOU REALIZE THAT PERSON IS
SCREWED ALL OF US AND STAY ONE.
SO YOU SAY DEMOCRATS YOU GO FOR
IT.
RIGHT?
>> AND NOW ADAM SCHIFF.
WHERE YOU FROM.
>> YOU MEAN LIKE TODAY?
IN LIFE I DON'T KNOW THEY DON'T
KEEP TRACK.
>> HAVE USED CHEAT ON YOUR
TAXES.
>> NO APP.
>> APPLE PICKING IF YOUR NAP I
WOULDN'T PICK YOU.
SMACK YOU KNOW I'VE NEVER DATED
A CONGRESSMAN FOR.
>> YOU NEVER WILL.
>> WILL CUT OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE
>> BALLOONS I LIKE TO BLOW THEM
UP IN THE BASEMENT LET THE AIR
OUT.
SEE METAL I LIKE THE OLDER STUFF
LIKE THE BEATLES.
>> I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THEM
JOINING HER MINOR SONG?
>> SURE.
>> LAUGHTER'S.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: SO 17 ERRORS ARE MADE IN
THE PFIZER PROCESS BUT THEY WERE
TOLD THERE WERE NO BUYERS.
BUT IF THE ERRORS ALL IN ONE
DIRECTION HOW IS THAT
UNINTENTIONAL?
MAYBE I MEAN I DIDN'T MEAN TO
RUB THAT BANK BUT 17 ERRORS
ALONG THE WAY LIKE SLIPPING AND
FALLING INTO THAT SKI MASK WITH
MY HAND ACCIDENTALLY LANDING ON
THAT DON AND STUMBLING BLINDLY
THE SAVINGS AND LOAN AND BY
CHANCE SCRIBBLING GIVE ME THE
MONEY OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE OR
[BLEEP], WERE THE ODDS OF ME
MAKING ALL OF THE MISTAKES LIKE
THAT IN A ROW.
WHICH IS WHY NO ONE BUYS THIS
CRAB.
THE IMPEACHMENT SATISFIES THE
CRAVING MEDIA, IT KEEPS HELPING
TRUMP IN KEY BATTLEGROUND
STATES.
WHAT IS THAT REMINDER?
THE LAST ELECTION.
REMEMBER IS THE MEDIA WHO HAD
HOURS OF BASHING TRUMP.
THE RESULT?
HE WON.
YET THEY'RE DOING THAT AGAIN
WITH HIS IMPEACHMENT AND
PRETENDING THIS IS SOME SHAM AND
TRUMPS NUMBERS JUST GO UP.
LIKE THE TORY LANDSLIDE IN
ENGLAND.
THEIR REVIEW OF LEFTISM.
IF OUR DEMS WERE SMART, THEY
WOULD TAKE THAT AS A PREVIEW IS
WHAT COULD HAPPEN HERE.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING YOUR BUDDY
TAKE THE DRUG FIRST.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT OUR DEMS AREN'T THAT SMART.
AND THE MEDIA PROTECTS THEIR
STUPIDITY FROM ITS CONSEQUENCES.
NOT LETTING REPUBLICANS OFF THE
HOOK, THEY ALL SHOULD'VE WALKED
OUT OF THAT HEARING BUT BY
SAYING THEY GAVE THE STRAITS OF
CREEDENCE.
IN THE CHARADE IT WAS, ONE
DEMOCRAT EVEN SAID THE
IMPEACHMENT VOTE WAS DELAYED
BECAUSE IT WAS TOO LATE FOR TV
AUDIENCE.
SO HOW DELUSIONAL DO YOU HAVE TO
BE TO THINK THE SOLUTION FOR
YOUR IDIOTIC FARCE IS TO GET
MORE PEOPLE TO SEE YOUR IDIOTIC
FARCE?
RIGHT ADAM?
>> AND NOW ADAM SCHIFF FORGETS
HIS MEDICATION.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU NEED TO RELAX ADAM ♪
♪
[BACKGROUND NOISES]
THAT IS A SWEET SYMPHONY SOUND.
[LAUGHTER]
>> MY GOD IT'S GETTING WEIRDER
AND WEIRDER.
WAS IT TELL YOU IN THE
ESTABLISHMENT MEDIA, AND
ESTABLISHMENT POLITICIANS ARE
ALL TRYING TO THE SAME THING?
THEY THINK THE ESTABLISHMENT IS
UNDER ATTACK AND IT IS.
WHO'D A THOUGHT THOUGH THAT THE
MOST RADICAL FIGURE IN MODERN
HISTORY AS A REALITY TV STAR
WITH ORANGE HAIR?
[LAUGHTER]
WHY NOT LET HIM EXPLAIN IT?
>> I AM THE ONLY POLITICIAN THAT
HAS ACTUALLY KEPT MORE PROMISES
THAN I MADE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GREG: WE NEED TO HEAR THAT
AGAIN.
>> I'M THE ONLY POLITICIAN IN
HISTORY THAT HAVE ACTUALLY KEPT
MORE PROMISES THAT I MADE.
[CHEERING]
GREG: WEIGHT THAT MAKES
ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE [BLEEP] BUT
IT'S BRILLIANT.
BUT IT'S A BRILLIANT.
HOW DOES HE MAKE THAT TRUE?
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
SO THE MORE CRITICS ATTACK IN
THE WAY THEY PROVE HIM RIGHT.
POLITICS IS DOWNSTREAM FROM
CULTURE.
SO THIS MASSIVE A RATIONAL
REACTION TO TRUMP ISN'T
POLITICAL AT ALL, BUT CULTURAL.
FOR ONCE THE MEDIA ACADEMIA
ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX AND FEELS
THREATENED AND IMPEACHMENT IS
HOW THE EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED
FIGHT BACK.
BUT AS LIKE THE HARLEM
GLOBETROTTERS, EVERY GAME YOU
KNOW HOW IT'S GOING TO UNFOLD,
YOU KNOW THE OUTCOME, SO WE
WATCH PELOSI FOLLOWING THE OTHER
CLOWNS OFF THE CLIFF ENGAGING IN
ACTUAL ABUSE OF POWER.
WITH DEMOCRATS BOWING THEY WILL
KEEP IMPEACHING UNTIL THE VERY
END.
IT'S LIKE THAT TIRED CLICHE
IT'S LIKE THAT TIRED CLICHÉ
ABOUT PROOF OF INSANITY DURING
THAT SAME THING OVER AND OVER
AGAIN.
IT'S LIKE GETTING THE SAME BAD
RESULT.
WE HAVE A BETTER DEFINITION IS
CALLED LISTENING TO ADAM SCHIFF.
>> AND NOW ADAM SCHIFF TRYING
OUT THE NEW AMAZON ALEXA.
>> HEY BOSS, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I
GOT YOU AND ALEXA.
>> NET THANK YOU I'M ALLERGIC TO
CHOCOLATE.
>> NOW IT'S A DIGITAL ASSISTANT
YOU CAN ASK ANYTHING.
>> NO NO NO THAT'S NOT A MAGIC
EIGHT BALL YOU JUST TALK TO IT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER A
PIZZA.
>> NO PUT IT ON THE DESK AND
SPEAK.
ALEXA PLEASE FAX ME SOME MILK.
>> I'M SORRY I CAN'T HELP WITH
THAT.
>> EXCUSE ME I WOULD LIKE SOME
HOT MILK.