Fix your marriage, the do's and the don'ts.
Sometimes, we make it worse when we're trying to make it better. There's some things that you
should do, and some things that you definitely should not. Let's get into both of those today.
So, that you're really clear on what you can do to move forward. Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I've been
a professional psychologist now for close to three decades, and I've seen a lot of relationships.
Early in my career, I got to hear Dr. John Gottman present his research on basically,
what works and what doesn't in a marriage, we get to start doing more of what works,
and less of what doesn't. So, my first don't, that I want to share with you is don't criticize. This
ties right back into Dr. Gottman's research, he listed the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Which meant these four things spell the end for a relationship, and it starts with criticism.
Here's what I know as a professional psychologist, criticism doesn't have to be real or intended.
As long as it's perceived, it triggers a negative cascade in that relationship,
think about it. When you're feeling attacked, what do you want to do? You want to protect yourself.
What's the next thing you want to do? Take a counterattack. This is why criticism is so
damaging, and here's the problem. Usually, when something's going wrong in a marriage,
our brain starts to ask, why is this going wrong? And then it starts looking for someone
or something to blame. Well, who are you gonna find in a marriage to blame for the problems.
That's obvious, right? And it's tempting to think. You know, this marriage would just be
so much better if my spouse would just, fill in the blanks. Be more forgiving, be more tolerant,
be more loving toward me, whatever it is, okay. Now, as soon as you identify,
what your spouse can change or improve, how does your spouse feel? What does that look like,
sound like, talk like, walk like, to your spouse? Criticism, even if, you don't intend it to be
critical, it sounds to them like hey, you're not good enough, and that triggers a defensive
response. That's why I list that as the first don't. When I teach communication training, I
have five strategies for effective communication. Number one is don't be a bear, in a communication,
you don't come at it snarling and burying your teeth, and that's what I think of when I share
this first don't with you. Don't be a bear, don't criticize, don't come at it with that aggressive
attack, where you're gonna, put people on the defensive. Now, let's get to one of the do's,
do see this as a personal development opportunity? This irritates and annoys people sometimes and
honestly, I get fired for this sometimes when I say hey, guess who gets to change first?
And you know, the answer to that. It's you, this isn't bad news because you actually have the power
to control yourself, and I'm going to share with you in just a minute some things that you can do
no matter what. Whether or not, your spouse is on board with this. There are things that you can do,
it has to start with a realization, that the change starts here with me, not with my spouse,
not with my circumstances, with me. So, do look at this as a personal development
opportunity? You get to grow and change and learn some things, that not only will fix this marriage.
But will also, put you in a position to be so much more successful in every endeavor of your life,
your health, your business, your finances. Everything has changed when you start to focus
on your own mind and the personal development that you get to do through this opportunity. How
does that feel to you? Do you remember earlier when I said, don't be a bear, don't criticize.
The next don't is right along those same lines but it's on the other end of it. Don't see a bear,
meaning when you look at your spouse. Do you see a bear? Do you see a threat? Do you see an attack?
You're likely to become defensive. So, part of this don't is don't be defensive,
that's hard to do if you're really being attacked by a bear, that's why I said don't see a bear.
This is not a bear that you're married to. It's a person, this is a human being that you chose
from among all of the other options to be your partner, your companion. This is someone you love,
this is someone you have chosen to spend your life and your time with. It's not a bear, do not see a
bear. it's always funny to me in a training or a seminar, that I do along these topics,
I'll ask that sometimes from the stage from the microphone. How many of you are married to a bear?
And people start shooting their hands up into the air before I can stop them and say no, you are not
married to a bear, you're married to a human, who has real feelings and real thoughts, and in their
heart of hearts, they want things to be better as well. I guarantee it, don't see a bear. Do
give up your need to be right? In exchange for being open. My friend Brett Williams wrote a book,
it's right over there on my shelf by this title You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married,
and I love the title, it's kind of funny. What he's getting at is sometimes our need to be right
interferes with doing the things that are right. See, it's not about who's right, it's about what's
right, and when we focus on who's right, we lose sight of doing what's right. We've got to get back
to the principles, that actually allow us to move this forward in a productive way. So, do give up
your need to be right in exchange for being open? Once you are open, then a lot of possibilities are
going to show up for you. Give up your need to be right. I have been promising you some principles,
that will allow you to move this forward in a powerful way. Look go to the URL on the screen
drpauljenkins.com/nineprinciples these are nine principles that are guaranteed to improve or
save your key relationships. You want to get your hands on those drpauljenkins.com/nineprinciples
it's free, I'll put it right in your inbox. Now, let's go to the next don't. It kind of ties in
to don't see a bear, don't assume ill intent. Notice that, sometimes when you're feeling a
little attacked by your spouse, you think that they're trying to make your life miserable.
Probably they're not when you assume that they have ill intent toward you, you're likely to
put up your defenses, you're likely to do a counter-attack, and come back at them, with
some contemptuous stuff. Don't assume ill intent, my friend Email Harker wrote a book, You Can Turn
Conflict Into Closeness, and in this book he talks about, the number one strategy is to assume
positive intent. Even if, you're wrong. Even if, you're wrong, think about it. It puts you in a
better position, why? Because of it how it changes you, how it changes? How you show up there. The
energy that you bring to the conversation, don't assume Ill intent. Instead do practice kindness
and tolerance and forgiveness, and acceptance. Assume positive intent, I've interviewed hundreds
thousands of people at this point in my career, about what they want, and just check in with this
yourself. What if I gave you two options, look in your marriage, you can have something better
or something worse? Now, which one do you want or do you need a minute to think about it. You don't
need a minute to think about it. You already know, you obviously want something better. Guess what,
every human being that I interview says the same thing, they want something better. Your spouse
wants something better, it doesn't mean they want to get rid of you. I've told people before
you know what, you need a new marriage, save your spouse, get a new marriage. What if we can
upgrade this and create something that is so much better than what you've already got, and nobody
wants to take my offer for hey, we can make this a lot worse and you know, you could too, don't you?
What if I gave you a challenge to go make your marriage worse in the next half hour,
you totally could do that. Please don't. But notice how quickly your brain came up with half
a dozen ways to pull that off, that's not because you should go do it, okay. Just notice that you
have the ability to make a mess. Because that's good news if you can make a mess, you can make
and that means, we get to decide what we're gonna make. Let's go work on a masterpiece,
instead of a mess. I got one more don't for you, don't choose hate.
This goes back to a belief that I have, that there are no neutral interactions. I don't think you can
be right in the middle, I think it's either going to be love or hate, either a little or a lot,
and I use the word hate because people hate the word hate. But if it's not love, then what is it?
Now, you might argue, well right down the middle there's indifference. Yeah, well, if somebody
treats you with indifference, what does that feel like to you? Does it feel more like love, or more
like hate, right? Indifference is bumping up on the hate side. Maybe, it's just a little but it's
over there on that side. Don't choose hate. But if you do, here's how you do it. Three quick steps,
we'll make sure that you're on the hate side of that equation. If you choose to do it,
it's totally up to you, okay. To choose hate, you have to assume the worst,
practice pride because you know you're right. Digging your heels on that,
and think to destroy, to punish and retaliate, and maim, you've got a lot of creative energy,
use it to think up ways to hurt somebody, that is the hate choice. I would say do choose love.
If it's a choice look, we got to be on one side or the other, what if you could actually choose love.
Now, if you want to choose hate, I just gave you a way to do that. There's three steps, right? What
if you want to choose love, let's set you up for power in that choice. To choose love you assume
the best because even if you're wrong, you're in a better position and it creates a whole different
energy in that interaction, assume the best, and since you don't know, what someone's intentions
are even if, they tell you since you don't know, assume the best. Step two, practice humility,
which is giving up our need to be right, in exchange for being open, and then third
think, use that creative power of yours, to build and edify and uplift and bless and enrich,
you can come up with all kinds of ideas. Focus on the ones that allow you to go out there and
create some value in this context, that's how we choose love. You'll notice when I'm saying do
choose love, I'm not talking about a feeling. I'm not talking about that romantic connection
that you can have, I'm talking about a determined choice to be on the love side,
instead of the hate side, and I think you always have that choice, choose love. Hey,
I didn't get into detail today about, what those nine principles are that are guaranteed
to save and enrich your key relationships. Go grab them, will you? drpauljenkins.com/nineprinciples
I've got you on this, I'll see you again soon.