- Now how many of you also recognize it takes
more work when you're actively listening.
Yeah, it takes a lot more work.
This is easy, this is the distracted.
You're playing with your iPhone,
you're doing something else, you're daydreaming.
This, you're paying attention,
you are listening, asking questions,
and saying "Hmm, yeah, I understand."
You're making eye contact, yes?
So let me give you some tips. Let me give you what?
Some tips.
Five ways to improve your listening skills.
And they're very, very simple.
I always like simple techniques, and tools,
because when it's complex, you don't use them.
Complex, complex is the enemy of execution.
So I like to keep thins very simple.
First, you want to maintain eye contact.
You want to maintain eye contact. It shows
others that you're paying attention.
Now, however, people ask me all the time
"what is a good amount of eye contact?" Right?
There's that me like, hey Stephen?"
Hey man, how're you doing? Like, you know?
Yeah, this is awesome, but, no no no,
that's not what I'm talking about.
That's like, what is going on?
Right, so what is a good amount of eye contact,
who can tell me? What is a good amount of eye contact?
- [Audience Member] Thirty seconds.
- Thirty seconds?
(audience discussion)
- Yes, there's no set rule, okay?
Depends on the other party.
Some people, they're very comfortable with eye contact.
When you look at them they're looking at you, right?
They're connecting, that's nice.
But some people you look at them a little bit they
kind of go away, yeah, so don't, don't just keep there.
Yeah, and you don't even blink.
Like what is going on, right, so whatever the other party,
some people, they love eye contact, they just connect,
Hey man, I'm connecting with you, what is going on,
How is it, this is good right?
Some people, they're like "Okay," They kind of
look away and they then they kinda come back and look away,
whatever they do, you mirror. What's the word?
- [Audience] Mirror. - Do the same thing.
Do the same thing.
Okay?
Sometimes, you'll notice, with myself, when I'm listening,
I'm actually kind of just listening like that,
because I'm looking at the ground
and I'm thinking at the same time.
And someone asks me advice, it's not that I don't make
eye contact, it's just that I need to
think like this, but I'm listening.
And they can see that I'm leaning forward.
And with the body language I'm like "Hmm."
And you know I'm listening as well,
I'm like "Hmm," I'm nodding my head okay.
And then after he's finished, I'll look at him,
oh, and maybe I'll ask him more questions.
You know, get some more answers.
And then I'll keep talking and then I'll get back.
Does that make sense? So, eye contact. Yes.
- [Audience Member] So, some people have challenges
with connecting with you, so sometimes
when you engage them more, - Yes
They do engage you. - They back away
No they do engage you, right, because they're
not comfortable or they're not sure or they're
unsure of how to engage, - Yes, yes
so if you truly want to connect, what's your suggestion?
- Yeah, if you truly want to connect, sometimes,
maybe, he's not so comfortable, but because you have
so much certainty to connect, sometimes
you can influence the other person.
So it depends on how certain you are, yes?
So if you're so much certain you know I want to
connect with you, I want to connect with you.
And they will sense it, so it goes back to your certainty.
If you feel like, you know what, I have so much certainty,
I could influence you to connect with me.
Even though sometimes you meet someone that
the initial impression or the initial
conversation is not going so well,
but you know what, I'm gonna work on it.
I'm gonna connect, I'm gonna work on it.
And then sometimes you can turn them around, yes?
So again it depends on the other party.
Depends on the other party, so first it's maintain
- [Audience] Eye contact
- Eye contact. Second, make notes.
Make notes, this is huge.
A number of years ago, I asked a very successful
local entrepreneur, his name was Basil Peters,
Who wrote a book called Early Exits, and he's a
mergers and acquisitions advisor
and he helps companies exit, that's what he does.
So, exit the company, sell the companies,
and, very successful guy, and I asked him out to dinner.
And I'll never forget that when he showed up,
and I remember that it was like a seafood kind of a place,
nice restaurant, I showed up, he showed,
and I was gonna pick his brain.
I want to know how you do what you do,
what's your secret to success, how did you get into it,
I want to know everything that he does.
And he showed up with a notebook.
He's the more successful one, he showed up with a notebook.
And before the dinner started he was asking me questions.
He was taking notes.
At the end maybe I only
Only maybe 80% of stuff, 80% of time he's asking me stuff.
And 20% of the time I'm asking him stuff.
And after that dinner, I thought to myself
"wow, no wonder he's successful."
No wonder he is successful.
Because imagine, when someone
is having a meeting with you,
and you pull a notebook, actually they pull a notebook.
And as you're talking and they say
"Do you mind if I take notes?"
What are you gonna say?
(Audience discussion)
"Sure." Seriously, how does that make you feel?
You feel important, okay.
You'll be pouring your heart out and sharing
all kinds of things with them.
Just, "Can I take notes?"
It shows respect, it shows "Hey I value what you're saying."
You know, Benson does that on me quite often.
Yeah, this Benson, yes, this Benson, that Benson. My mentee.
Sometimes we're having dinner and I'll be saying something,
he will pull out his notebook and then he will turn on
the iPhone recorder, and he was just like, yeah.
Now I know he wants to learn, but psychologically
I can see, this kid is fucking smart.
Cause, that makes me feel special, so then I share
even more, like okay, now it's like recording, let's go!
It's gonna be good! Man, I'm gonna share something
with you you've never heard of before.
Because I feel special, I feel valued,
does that make sense? [Audience] Yes.
Yeah, so, it's a very, very, whenever I meet someone
more successful I bring my notebook, I open up,
"Hey sir, do you mind if I take notes."
"Oh, no problem, it's okay." When was the last time someone
was taking notes when they're speaking?
Their kids don't even take fucking notes.
They just don't. It's a very simple,
just, notebook, and I'm talking, not your iPhone by the way.
Because when you pull your iPhone,
they don't know if you're playing with your phone
or you're actually taking notes.
I'm like, I'm talking, good old notebook,
pen, go, right, and then you're asking questions.
If you meet someone more successful you do that, this works.
I used it, it works, and it works on me,
it works on everybody, it works on everybody, so take notes.
So what is it? Take notes.
Number three, allow people to finish their own sentences.
Okay, no matter how enthusiastically
you want to jump into the conversation.
Now some of you are making this mistake. Okay?
Doing so will indicate respect for what the person's saying.
Let them finish their sentences.
Don't jump into it, I know you can't wait to contribute,
you can't wait to help, let them finish, Let them finish.
And sometimes you can even ask them
"Hey, you know what?" Like, don't
ask them, like "Are you finished?"
(Audience Laughter)
No, no.
But you can ask them questions,
"Oh, okay, where did it go from here?
"Okay, well tell me more of that story."
And when they stop, you keep probing, and they stop,
then you can jump into it "Would you like
"my two cents, would you like my feedback?"
Ask permission, "Would you like me to share what I think?"
They will say "Sure", and then you go, does that make sense?
Yeah, so ask for permission. Ask for what?
- [Audience] Permission. - Permission.
So allow them to finish their sentences. Yes?
- [Audience Member] Wasn't it (mumbling) that said
If you don't, what was it, if you just don't
listen to what other people are saying,
then you just eventually forgot what he just said.
- Yeah, so that's also part of why you want to take notes,
cause sometimes the conversation's something they might say,
"Oh yeah, I know somebody, or have a contact, I have
something of an idea of a website."
And afterwards you forget about it.
How many have had that experience?
Yeah, but if you're taking notes,
"Okay, what was the website you're talking about?
Spell that for me, W W dot, dot dot dot dot dot dot com.
Is this right, okay perfect, yeah, the contact you were
talking about, John Smith, John Smith, is this right,
okay, his Facebook" get everything.
Then you won't miss a thing, right?
It's so simple, simple habit, very simple habit.
Respond so that the other person knows you're listening,
So we could use things like "Yeah, I see."
Everybody say "I see." - [Audience] I see.
- Everybody say "I understand."
- [Audience] I understand.
- Aha. - [Audience] Aha.
- Hmm. - [Audience] Hmm.
- I see where you're coming from.
- [Audience] I see where you're coming from.
- Simple things like that. Yes?
- [Audience Member] So in an instance when people
converse like that, it becomes a regular norm because
they're not actually listening, they're just "uh-huh".
- Yeah, so see, it's all, see, the technique is the same.
"Uh-huh, uh-huh",
like "Mhm, hmm."
Here's a good one, "Hmm", try that.
- [Audience] Hmm.
- That means, the person's like
"Oh I just said something profound."
(Audience laughter)
Right, like "Hmm", sometimes I'll even do it "Huh"
(Audience laughter)
It's like, wow yeah, look at how smart I am.
Let me keep talking, right?
It's very subtle, right, very subtle, I like to do this like
"Hmm", like, try that actually, put on the chin, "Hmm, Hmm"
That's it, they're like, wow, this guy's listening.
Very subtle, very subtle, and your response may be yes
and do that, continuously, so they know.
You want to give them, it's like ping-pong, back and forth,
back and forth, they serve and it's like you hit it back,
"Yes, hmm, I understand, tell me
"more about that, yes, interesting,
"well how did you get into that, wow, that's profound."
Tell them "That's profound. That's profound."
"Is it that profound?" My kids don't say
what I say is profound. That's profound, man.
Here's a good one, "I wish I could do what you do."
"I wish I could do what you do."
"Oh, you could! Let me show you all my strategies
"and secrets, man, twelve step! Here you go."
You want to be recognized, you want to be what?
- [Audience] Recognized.
- Yes, just, very simple, so that's being sincere
and pay attention and ask questions. Is this simple or what?
This is simple stuff, this is common sense.
Number five, ask core questions.
What kind of questions? - [Audience] Core questions.
- Core questions, not "How's your day."
Okay, usually the core questions typically, is a series of
why, sometimes it could be how, questions that go deeper
into a particular subject to gain the
greatest understanding of situation.
So you're saying "hmm, ah, I see, I understand, I see
"where you're coming from, tell me, okay,
"how did you get into that, you know.
"You know, why do you do that.
"Huh, why is that important for you.
"Hmm. What are your goals and dreams?
"What's stopping you? What's preventing
"you from getting what you want?
"How can I help? How could I serve?
"Who do I know that could help you?"
It just flows, you don't need a script.
Do you need a script for this?
No, if you're using a script something is wrong
because then you're not paying attention.
If you're actually paying attention,
undivided attention, and you're
listening, and you ask core questions.
Let me ask you a question: Why is it important to ask
a core question? Yell the answer. Why is it important?
- [Audience Member] Keep them engaged.
- Keep them engaged, yes.
- [Audience Member] You don't get a yes or no answer.
- Yes. You don't want to get a yes or no answer.
- [Audience Member] Open ended.
- Open ended, you want them to tell you more.
So one question should lead to
another X amount of minutes in conversation.
You ask another question, you ask another question.
It's very very simple, because, I can tell you
in your life, think about it, in your life,
who you meet, how many people actually
do all these five things well?
Just think who you meet in your life.
How many of them are good listeners like that?
They're paying attention, they're making eye contact,
they're taking notes, they're asking core questions.
Just ask yourself, people you encounter day-to-day,
how many of them do this?
- [Audience Member] No one.
- Yeah, very few.
So guess what, when you do it, what do you do?
- [Audience Member] You stand out.
- Oh you stand out big time, they remember you.