- Shrek's neck is thick.
(relaxing lounge music)
- Today, I'll be watching Shrek.
I'm really embarrassed to admit
that I've never seen this before.
Just sometimes you don't watch something
and then that becomes your identity,
is that you're the person that's never seen Shrek.
But that's about to change.
Mmm.
Tasty.
- [Shrek] Like that's ever gonna happen.
- Stubby little cocktail weenie fingers.
♪ So you might as well swim ♪
I hate this song, why am I dancing to it?
Maybe cause I like it.
- Stay out!
- Horny for Shrek already, one minute in.
- He's just, he's just a little nervous.
He's really quite a chatterbox!
- That always happens, it's like when you go to a doctor
and you're like, "I have a wart."
I don't know why I'm pointing to my armpit.
Pretend the wart is in the armpit
and then when you show 'em, the wart's gone.
But when you go home the wart's there again.
- [Man] He can talk!
- Why is that guy fisting the three little pigs?
Shrek's neck is thick.
Hot.
What country is this?
♪ A meal with Shrek ♪
Is this movie about Shrek leading a revolution?
(clapping)
The hero we deserve.
I wish he would run for President.
I just farted. (laughs)
My booby itches.
Farcra, Farcraad (laughs)
Farquaad gets his eyebrows done for sure.
Gingerbread's mouth looks like a butthole.
Do you think Snow White should've
just had orgies with the Seven Dwarfs?
- Alright then.
- Cheers Shreky.
- And the squatters?
- I need a donkey by my side.
Oh he's got little corns in his hand, cute.
I love corn.
How tasty is corn?
Creamed corn, corn on the cob, hominy, posole,
and corn on your feet, which is a disease.
What a duo, like Lucy and Ethel,
like The Beatles but just two of them.
- That'll do Donkey.
- What a classic dragon!
That grand disappointment that is dating.
We dream our whole lives of that perfect person
that'll sweep us off our feet and we're handed a turd.
Oh, he's kissing, she's kissing his ass.
Seriously though?
Fiona's the most horny character
I've ever seen in any movie, ever.
Does Shrek have a tongue though?
I'm connected to this movie in my soul and in my heart.
Since when is Robbing Hood French?
If he's French, why is his last name Hood? (giggles)
- Shrek's hurt!
- My mom had a friend who had a toe growing out of his ear.
(sighs deeply)
The greatest love story that's ever been told.
Princess.
I want to be woken up by an alarm that says,
princess, every day.
She's like Shrek's sibling.
She's got bigger titties as a Shrek.
- Well now, you are ugly.
- I have to.
- Do I want to date a donkey though?
I'm serious.
What if humans dated animals and it was okay?
Do you think that back in the caveman eras,
humans dated animals and it was okay?
Tesla loved a Pigeon.
He did.
Google it.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
(sobbing dramatically)
Shrek lost weight, cause he's depressed.
- [Shrek] I object!
- Shrek?
♪ Trace or doubt in my mind ♪
- What am I looking at right now?
This is a work of art, like honestly.
Take down everything from The Louvre and put Shrek up.
I'm stunned.
Also, I thought I'd be hornier for Shrek,
but I'm a Donkey kinda girl, really.
I need to go watch it again.
Okay, wow.