(gentle music)
- My name is Benjamin Kim Oser.
I was born in Mapo-gu, Seoul in 1984,
which would make me 37 years old,
37 years young, if you will.
And I came to state side when I was three months old
to a very loving family in Central, New Jersey.
So my origin story is a little bit more complex
now that I'm a more of an adult
and I had the opportunity to go back and visit Korea
as part of my teaching English in Korea experience.
And in no purposeful way
did I actually mean to do a birth search.
Part of it was wanting to find just medical records
and know a little bit more about my health status,
because I get that question all the time from doctors.
My father was actually looking for me.
So my birth father was actually looking for me.
And so my file was at the top of the deck, if you will.
And so when I called the adoption agency, they said,
"Hold on a second."
And it turned out that because of my file is at the top,
they knew my case number relatively closely.
And so they were like, "Your dad was actually in here.
"Are you interested in meeting him at all?"
And so I was hesitant at first,
but then I think really excited about the prospect
of being able to meet your birth father.
So I sent him a letter and very quick, two weeks later,
we were able to find a time to meet and have an experience.
So in meeting my birth father,
he came with actually his sister,
and so who I would call my komo, and it was unexpected,
unexpected in the sense that I didn't have an understanding
of what it would be like to be in an office space room
and be able to walk into a room and have your birth father
and your aunt there to welcome you.
And so it was a little bit nerve wracking,
I was a little bit anxious,
but I think based on my personality and my characteristics,
like very close to the vest or did not show a lot of emotion
and I'm not sure, and I've been told,
like it could be a Korean thing,
but definitely not showing a lot of emotion.
But beyond just that initial meeting,
we ended up making an entire day out of it.
And so we were able to go to lunch with him,
and my komo(aunt), and then my translator
and then actually spent the entire day together.
And so it was very emotional.
It was a long but emotional day.
And conversation was the hardest
because there's a lot of things you wanna ask,
but you wanna ask appropriately
and you wanna ask in a frame of,
that doesn't offend anyone
but is able to answer questions.
And one of the hardest questions is like, why.
Why was I relinquished for adoption?
And I think it was difficult at first for him to kind of
give more of the details.
But as the day progress,
you're able to ask some more refining questions
to get a few more details about
why I was relinquished for adoption.
But by the end you felt very close,
you felt like a missing piece
of who you are has been identified.
Not necessarily that it's an instant love or connection,
but there was a piece that had come together for you
just to close a gap in terms of,
oh, now I know what I'm gonna look like when I'm 65.
Now some things that, hey, there is some connection
to the Korean community that is more than just social
and I do have a large extended family back in Korea.
But the hardest part of that day specifically was leaving.
Leaving was the hardest thing to do.
I couldn't control my emotions
'cause in my mind I think it was like,
oh, you're leaving again.
So my translator and I hopped onto the train
and I just could not stop crying.
And I don't know what had come over me,
my komo was burst into tears
and she was crying too,
so I don't know if it was reactionary
or just that subconscious feeling
of it's happening all over again.
So I would say that was the hardest part of the day.
Like I couldn't, uncontrolled tears.
I'm not sure if the emotion was joy
or the emotion was grief, it was confusion.
I think for me it was definitely confusion.
I think reliving it in a...
At the time I was 25 years old
versus when I left when I was three months old,
it's a completely different experience.
And now that I had the capacity
to think critically about it,
and actually be in my own emotions about it was confusing.
The catch-up is the hardest part.
And I think what became really difficult for me
at a point in our relationship was that
he felt like I was ready to just return.
Thankful for my adoptive parents who have raised me
into who I am today, but their job is done,
and to return to the family
and just immediately like assimilate
and transition back to a life in Korea.
So he was definitely pushing the idea that to come back
and not think otherwise about it.
And so it was very challenging to navigate
the respect and feelings for him,
but also my own personal feelings
for my life here in America,
my adoptive parents who I'll call my parents
from here on out.
But the idea of realism for him wasn't,
we didn't match,
we weren't on the same page to say the least.
So to my understanding,
in terms of my backstory about adoption.
To be a male and to be relinquished for adoption
was like a little bit more rare
versus women at the time, right.
Because from one my understanding
of Korean culture and heritage is that,
men carry the family name
and really have a position or honor
as far as their status in Korea.
That being said, I did find out from my birth father
that I was the first born of the kids he would later have,
and of course of the kids my birth mother would later have.
Yeah, I was really excited
about that experience with my father.
And so it peaked my interest
to do the same thing with my mother.
I did end up writing a letter.
They did have her information on file at the agency.
But her response was a little bit more
of reluctancy and hesitation.
So it took a little bit more convincing for her
to set up a moment to meet with me,
but it did end up happening
and I think it was a really good experience.
But I could get a sense that it was always
like a degree of separation.
She was authentic but up to a point.
I think there was a lot of guilt
and a lot of uncertainty for her
because she hadn't told her current husband that I existed.
And I was the secret or just the untold story
as part of her continued relationship
with her current husband.
I think for me, if I had to interpret his desire to meet me,
it was just pure curiosity.
One of the first things I remember him saying
when we met was just like strong, tall, handsome guy.
So I think he was very proud of that,
that I turned out the way I did and
without his guidance or without his help,
and to bring that back into the Kim family name,
I think was really important for him.
His potential thoughts for not having ownership
or responsibility of the experience
in terms of my upbringing, it was frustrating
but also, like I said, challenging
because my parents had done so much work raising me,
loving me and providing a safe space.
And then I get to Korea when I'm 24 and it's all over.
You can come back now, you're one of us,
come live here for the rest of your life.
And that was one of the things
when I talk about being stubborn,
that's one of the things that make it so challenging.
He has such a belief that I need to return
and I need to take my place,
but we did not see eye to eye on that.
I have a very loving and caring family at home.
My Korean was still not that great.
So challenge setting.
I don't know if I could articulate
that my life was complete.
I think there are parts that have come with closure,
but we'll always be kind of the last door on the block
or the last door in the hallway.
But at the same time closure looks different
in so many different capacities
and where I was when I was 26 and leaving Korea
and where I am now, 37,
can I come to peace with it?
Probably, maybe, I'm not sure.
I would like to return, I would like to see them,
but I think in the same way
they're always like one degree at a distance.
They've lived their lives without me
and I've had to accept that I've lived my life without them.
My adoptive parents and family were very reluctant.
I think, for them and true to word,
they were very reluctant that I would find my birth parents
through this process and leave them.
I think they were very fearful
that I would just drop everything
and re-assimilate and reintegrate
into a traditional Korean family.
I would, at the time Skype,
I would Skype my parents
and we would have our weekly conversations
and they'd be very anxious.
Like they would ask and be as supportive as they could,
like how did it go and stuff like that,
are you still talking to them as we continue to progress.
But you could tell my mom especially
was really fearful that I would just up and leave them.
They mean a ton to me, they're incredibly special to me.
And I give my time and experience in Korea
a lot of credit to understand some of those Korean values
in terms of respecting elders.
And that was one that made me have a greater appreciation
for them and everything they were able to give
and provide to me growing up,
and so I could never abandon them.
I believe my time in Korea really helped to solidify
and shape my identity as a member
of the Korean community.
Prior to going to Korea I hadn't had a lot of experiences
with Korean communities.
Growing up in central New Jersey
and going to an undergraduate that was predominantly white
in the middle of Connecticut
does not support that cultural exploration,
but I was okay with it at the point,
and that's part of growth and maturity.
But when you move to a place like New York City,
when you're finally exposed
to a number of different diversities and cultures,
it started to peak my interest
and started just to open the door.
I also took some classes based in understanding identity
and identity formation through the human lifespan.
So that started to also push me
in knowing where I fit.
I knew I was Korean, but I didn't feel like I fit
in the community of Koreans and what communities
did exist when growing up were very small.
And so it still felt like an outsider,
but I finally started to make and build a network of peers
and friends in the Asian community.
And so did I necessarily feel like I was super Korean?
No, but I started to feel more Asian,
and I started to feel a little bit more authentic
and a little bit more welcomed,
but still always not quite good enough.
And I was very fortunate at least to have that network
that introduced me to K-Town and Korea.
It was a lot of late nights in K-Town for sure.
But even being like a fly on the wall
or even being introduced these places was really powerful.
And I can remember vividly,
like some of the Korean friends that I had made at school,
I would be so jealous when they would speak in Korean
and order in Korean.
And I'd be like, dude, keep doing it.
Like keep ordering.
Cause it was so fascinating to me.
I'm practically this white kid
from Connecticut at that point,
living in the big city, but I loved it.
I thought it was super cool and super authentic
to hear it and to see the interactions
between service workers, our friends.
And I think that was the snowball effect
and that continued my interest in exploration,
in how I fit into the Korean community.
My origin story went with camp dates back to the 90's.
I was very fortunate that my parents pushed me
into an adoptee camp as a young person
that was affiliated with my adoption agency, Whole.
And so I attended Whole camp here in New Jersey
for several years and was surrounded by,
at the time many Korean adoptees.
And it was an incredible experience
'cause you're finally in a space for the first time
as a young person where no one asks
like a lot of the same questions,
'cause you all on the same experience,
you're all in the same boat.
So that was really impactful for me.
And I had an incredible experience as a counselor,
being able to connect and give back
some of my authentic experience having lived in Korea,
but also my experience as an adoptee in 2012
and I continued on and then leadership
started to transition and change.
And I was asked to help lead it
in conjunction with Joy.
And having the experience to have kids fully mature
and develop over the course of several years,
and especially when I get to witness it,
has been incredibly powerful and meaningful for me.
I think if I can have the influence
on one person that ultimately can have the conversation
or create a program or organization or tool
or resource for others,
then I'm living my best life.
I'm feeling successful and I'm feeling like
they can count on that experience
to help drive their confidence
or their ability to influence identity.
I'm Benjamin Kim Oser,
and this is my Korean American story.
(bright music)