When a couple splits up, everybody wants to know why. Did somebody have an affair?
Was there a big fight? In truth, most of the time when couples break up, it's not a
big thing. It's the numerous little things that
they forgot to do to show love to each other. So today on Reaction Reset, I'm
going to talk about six everyday things that can ruin your relationship.
In a long-term relationship, it's common - we all do it - we start taking each other
for granted. We forget to appreciate each other. And these things, overall, go on in
all relationships - strong or not. It's normal to make mistakes in long-term
relationships. The big thing is relationships that are good learn to
forgive; they also learn to get reacquainted, to appreciate, to try new
things. Couples who shut themselves off or they
don't want to try new things or they begin getting stuck in a rut, they're
excluding their partner. Those couples become vulnerable. If you begin talking
badly about your partner to your friends - in 2017, in Family Psychology Journal
there was an article and they talked about how detrimental it was when you
talk badly about your partner to your friends. That was called social sabotage
and, when it happened between couples, it deteriorated trust. It makes sense in
marriage and in a happy relationship the one thing you know is your partner has
your back. If you're throwing them out to the wolves of your friends and family
and talking about their weaknesses, it makes sense that you're going to
actually deteriorate the trust between the two of you. You're dishonest about
finances. Do you find yourself when you come home from a store hiding the
receipt? Or when you make a big purchase you're already thinking of the lie or
the rationalization you're going to give your partner? When you hide your finances
or you're not completely transparent and honest, you're basically telling your
partner, "I don't trust you." It is a form of betrayal very much like cheating on
them in an emotional sense, except you're using something very powerful that the
two of you are supposed to use to build a future together - you're using your finances.
When you display contempt to your partner that's one of
the biggest predictors of divorce. When you feel contempt towards your partner,
you're basically telling them, "I'm disgusted with you." "I'm superior to you."
You can see it with motions, such as eye rolling, or [exaggerated sigh], or maybe even putting a
little dig in and saying it. T;his is very hurtful to the relationship it makes
your partner feel humiliated and if it's done more than once or twice in your
marriage, you are putting your marriage in a very precarious situation because
your partner no longer really believes that you think you're equals. Your
partner may think that you believe they're stupid or less than you. This
creates poor communication. When you have kitchen-sink arguments - that's when
someone in the relationship is keeping tabs. You're always being watched, and
when you mess up even if they say they forgive you they haven't. They have you
on a scorecard. These are those arguments when you can be arguing about who was
supposed to call the electrician and the other person is blaming the other person
and then one of the partners brings in all the times in previous instances
where you have forgotten to follow through with something you were supposed to.
They'll throw in anything; it can be when you were dating thirty years you've
been married, but the argument can go back all the way to when they first met
you, and you forgot to give the waiter a tip. These are very hurtful and what's
more is it makes your partner feel like, "Well, I better be very careful because
even if they forgive me have they really?" Finally, and we're seeing this one a lot
in today's culture, you use texting to work out complicated marital issues.
I mean, texting doesn't work for trying to figure out where you're going
to eat dinner. Can you imagine talking about something
that happened in your intimate life with your partner via text? But in a sense
that is exactly what is happening. People's feelings get hurt, and they go to
therapy with their phones. I have to read exactly what each person has said on
text, and I have to tell you I am very confused as a third party so I can't
imagine being in it. If you are going to use text, make it brief. We do know
from research that the more couples put away their phones - put away their screens -
and talk, the less likely they will ruin their relationship. Marriages are work
for everybody, but don't blame your partner for your unhappiness. Rather
accept it. Marriage is not supposed to make you happy - it's supposed to make you
married. It's supposed to make you grow personally and introspectively.
It's supposed to make you feel good from serving and working with another person.
When two people share that vision, they create an awesome marriage and the great
news is it's never too late. A lot of marriages come in and they've had a lot
of problems, but if two people are both committed and they both want to create
something better, marriage can be a perfect platform for that growth to
evolve and for two people to be restored and feel loved again.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.