[intro music]
Today I've got Brian here with me, and today I'm going to roast a YouTube.
But not just any Youtuber, a small Youtuber
because I like to pick on the defenseless, and honestly they have no recourse against a channel of my size.
That's right, get rekt small Tubers!
Also, I need validation in the form of sweet, sweet views.
Don't even try to roast me back 'cuz...
I won't -- I won't cry.
PLEASE watch to the very end before you comment, otherwise you'll look like a fool
and everyone in the comments will roast YOU, because they'll know
if you didn't watch to the very end.
[80's style bumper music track]
Today's deserving target is
Chad Michael Murray.
No that's not it, he's not a Youtuber. Um...
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Wait hold up, that's not right.
Uh, oh here it is, here it is.
Jordan Michael Taylor.
I'm sorry dude, honestly I can't be at fault for not remembering that name
because each of his three names are like all tied for the first place award
for like, the most generic white-man name ever. [laughs]
You need a name like mine. Unique, and powerful.
(Brian): Mathighsitch!
Sounds like a personal problem.
Before we proceed, let's do something about your name here
because I - I'm not gonna be calling you Jordan Michael Taylor every time I refer to you.
It's just far too long. Alright?
(Brian): Why don't you just call him Jordan?
No, because the only person I know that's named Jordan
is Michael Jordan, and that's just gonna be way too distracting for me.
You know, coz Michael Jordan's a legend.
Owned.
From henceforth we shall call you Jordy.
Eww no I hate that.
Booo!!
Alright how bout this, how about this? J.T.
Alright? I like that, yeah?
Wadup, JT! Hello JT! How dem ladies!
Sounds like a name that you shout across from the locker room.
Honestly just improved you.
Anyways my man JT, let's see what we can derive from a quick peek into your channel.
Let's look at the About page.
[dramatic struggle music]
I'm sorry dude, I can't -- I -- I honestly can't read all that.
That is so long dude. Maybe when you're like big and famous, you can repurpose this description into your first novel
you know, like a memoir, like every other self-respecting Youtuber.
Dude, I finally finished to do my first book!
What is that?
It's a memoir.
Why would people read that when you have a vlog channel?
Clearly I haven't thought this through.
Everything you need to know about a Youtuber is in their thumbnails, okay.
Already we see the health freak, he WAS a vegan
but I guess he didn't have the stomach for it?
Ba-dum ching.
Alright, wha - what's this, what's this? "Health Freak tries Kids' cereals for the first time."
Sir, as an avid cerealist, I have to take offense to the fact that you think these beloved treasures
are in fact only for kids.
By the way that crossword on the back, on the back there, that's only mine, don't
don't touch that.
General Mills did not get to be the General by feeding his army trash. Okay?
It's not China, it's not an army of kids. Alright?
Where's my toy? I thought there was supposed to be a toy in this.
I think that I made my point.
[scooping and crunching and slurping sounds]
Mmm
Hello, my name is Jordan Taylor, I'm a 24-year-old American who, believe it or not
has never had Fruit Loops.
Cmon man.
So today I'm going to try them because I always used to just have yogurt and Grape Nuts in the morning. I love that.
Fun fact, grapes are not nuts.
So...
To cleanse the palette, so that all the cereals don't, you know, get jumbled together
like the last video I did, wherever it is, the candy video I did
I'm going to have apple cider vinegar, I'm going to drink it in between each cereal
No, dude, that's not gonna cleanse your palette, dude. VINEGAR?!
I can't think of a more potent thing to taste.
I'm not gonna lie guys, I don't like milk with cereal.
He doesn't like milk...
I gotta move on before I get triggered.
What do you mean you don't like bovine growth hormones and cow pus?
That's a staple to ANY child's breakfast. Cmon!
Alright he said something about a video where he tries candy, so let's take a look at that one.
"Health Freak tries Junk Food for the first time"
I was always a relatively healthy eater, and was made fun of for it my entire life.
Alright dude, who made fun of you for eating healthy, man? The Junk Food Gang? [chuckling]
(Brian): You -- you're making fun of him right now.
Yeah, but I'm allowed to. I have over a million subbies.
So.
Oh that's candy.
I thought that was like -- like a piece of plastic. Oh... [suck] [suck]
[shaking it all about]
Take it. Twist it.
Lick it.
What else do you do with this, like...
You'd definitely want your baby eatin' this.
Sir, I have to formally ask you to take back your recommendation to feed my baby a baby bottle pop
because I for one know for a fact [Luna fusses]
that babies do not like sour candy.
[80's style bumper track]
Usually it's kind of a jerk move to go after someone's appearance
but today I'm feeling [low voice] Savage.
So let's take a look here. See this? You see this? Hold up, you see this right here?
Do you know who he reminds me of?
Look at this thumbnail right here.
He looks exactly like Superman.
Henry Cavill-lay-lay- you know.
"Cavalier."
Um... I'm sorry, I forget the guy's name. I'm - I'm sorry, I'm a Marvel guy.
The dude is a spitting image of Superman.
I'm not jealous. I - I'm not even jealous at all.
I mean, honestly who even cares about Superman, right?
All his movies are a bore.
Look at that Rotten Tomatoes score, okay? 27 percent?
Why don't you try looking like -- someone from a successful movie?
Heh?
Heh? 96 percent.
Yes, I'm aware he played Mary in Lord of the Rings, and yes, I'm aware he's a hobbit. Okay?
Honestly though, with a look like that, I bet he could pick up like any woman off the street.
- (Man): I'm stealing you - (Woman): Oh my God! [laughs]
(Brian): I thought this was a roast, not some weird fantasy you have.
What do you want from me dude? The guy looks like Prince Charming over here.
Alright I got something, I got something.
How bout this?
Next time you go to tan, dude, take off your shirt.
(Brian): Why?
- Matthias: Cuz there's farmer's tan. - (Brian): That just sounds like you want him to take off his shirt.
No dude, no, coz the tan -- he looks like he doesn't know how to tan.
Okay?
Wow, what a great day for a tan!
Ha-haah!
Ahhh
Ugh, it's so hot!
Ohh!
I'm sorry dude, honestly I was only out there for like 3 minutes.
I take back everything I said, dude.
Everything I said about tan lines I take back, I'm sorry.
[80's style bumper track]
(Jordan): The object that's about to appear on your screen
I want you to tell me what it is.
Ready?
What do you see here?
What is this, a trick question?
(Jordan): You wanna know what I see?
(Jordan): I see a horse.
(Jordan): I see the wheels of a cart.
(Jordan): I see action figures. Gandalf the grey --
Gandalf, so you have seen Lord of the Rings. Dope.
(Jordan): Bear with me, I'm a little Lord of the Rings obsessed.
- (Jordan): I see Mary - (Matthias): Hey, that's me!
[clears throat]
(Jordan): ... Gamgee, Frodo. I see Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.
Okay, nerd.
(Jordan): I see a few ringwraiths, maybe an Uruk-hai.
Okay you're done. You're done.
You're done.
(Jordan): But, that was when I was younger.
(Jordan): Now, what do I see?
[spool clip loosens]
[thud]
[paper tears]
[Matthias sobbing] Whatever man, you think making someone emotional is difficult?
No, COMEDY is difficult, okay?
I can make someone cry using nothing but toilet paper too!
[popping sounds with mouth]
Okay.
[Violin playing "Sad Romance"]
♫ ♫
[sniffles and sobs]
- (Brian): Just end it out. - What do you mean?
- (Brian): With a diss track. - A diss track?
Ohh, okay you trying to go Ricegummy style, Ricegummy style, I get you, I get you.
Yeah, but I mean that's kinda harsh. What's a diss track but not as mean?
(Brian): A kiss track?
A kiss track?!
Let's stick with diss track, okay? Let's stick with diss track.
Alright alright. Spit some fire, maestro!
[smooth mid-tempo R&B beat] Oh cmon, can you please play something that Fun For Louis hasn't overplayed 1000 times in his vlogs?
[track changes: piano intro to slow R&B] Okay. Okay, we can do this. This sounds good.
I can make it happen.
Guys, hope you enjoyed that roast. If you did, make sure you go check out Jordan Taylor down in the description below.
Send him some love, make him cry, by sending him nice comments and subscribing.
THAT'LL TEACH HIM!
I let Jordan know that I was making this, so as you in this DM chat right there, he's totally on board for this.
I want this to be a series that helps you guys find Youtubers that deserve a little bit more recognition for the awesome content that they're making
so let me know down in the comments, who should I roast next? They should be between 10 thousand and 100 thousand subscribers.
No more, no less, I'm gonna roast em.
Down in the comments below, send me some links. Alright. High five.