Hi guys welcome back to my channel today I want to talk about emotions and
feelings that you'll go through after baby loss and if you don't know it's
baby loss Awareness Week at the moment and every year I like to do a video on
the topic of baby loss and miscarriage because I've been through one myself and
I'll leave a couple of videos linked to below if you want to know what happened
and but I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have it removed with surgery and
I found it really difficult to deal with and at the time there wasn't that much
online about it it was a very lonely place in my mind and yeah I just feel
like making these videos is cathartic for me but it's also been very helpful
for lots of you who reach out to me talking about your own experiences with
baby loss and today I wanted to focus on the emotions and the feelings because I
feel like a person who's been through the loss of a pregnancy or of a baby has
changed forever that person is a completely different person inside
something of you was lost at that moment where you lost your pregnancy it doesn't
have to be a negative life from now on but it's definitely a different life and
your mind works differently and I want this video to be for the people who have
struggled or have suffered with baby loss but also for the people who haven't
been through it but we're trying to understand what goes through the mind of
someone who has suffered at the loss of a baby because before losing a pregnancy
I wouldn't have understood how hard or just even how your brain would work when
you lose a baby there's a lot of innocence in your mind and there's just
a lot of I don't know just like ignorance is a bliss isn't it and after
that it becomes slightly different so I wanted to talk about this because I
spend most of my life thinking about the pregnancy that I lost
the life that I could have had with another baby and how our families
could have been different if that baby had implanted in the right place and I
am a very logical person so I spend a lot of my life being logical about it
and once every year in the baby loss Awareness Week I allow myself to feel
emotional about it an irrational and I just want to scream at the top of my
voice and ask why and yeah I wonder if anyone else feels like that but I just I
feel like this is my week to feel irrational and emotional about my baby
loss and I just wanted to go through a field of a few of the thoughts and
emotions that have happened to me or also things that still happen to me that
will always stay with me after losing a baby I hope you guys find some comfort
in watching this video I hope you find it interesting or just insightful losing
a baby is probably one of the most difficult things that someone has to go
through in life and regardless of whether you lost your baby at one week
two weeks pregnant three weeks or at 37 weeks forty weeks or even after your
baby's born we're not here to compare pain we're not
here to say who suffers the most we're all here to say it's hard and it hurts
and we're here to support each other and we understand the pain so let's get
straight on with the video the first feeling I experienced after my baby loss
was that my body had failed me and it filled me with anger that my body just
couldn't turn that pregnancy into a healthy pregnancy and a baby and why
were other people able to do that why were other bodies more capable than my
body it was something that I didn't expect and I had a lack of appreciation
for my body at that point nothing to do with my shape or the way I looked in the
mirror it was just a simple lack of appreciation for that body that could
not get that egg in the right place and implant and grow the baby
like I said this is emotional and irrational and this is what I'm here to
talk about feelings are very often irrational and yeah this is how I felt
at the time like I I don't appreciate this body that can't grow a successful
pregnancy I have gone on to have two successful pregnancies and two beautiful
babies since that loss so I know how lucky I am and I thank my lucky stars
every day for how fortunate I have been to be able to get pregnant and have two
babies and it's what fills me with hope that anyone out there going through a
loss at the moment that you will get there then you'll get your rainbow baby
but that initial feeling when your body fails you is just a moment of anger that
I never expected another thing that I felt which is linked to the one that I
mentioned previously was that now that I knew my body had failed me I was
expecting my body to fail every time I was expecting my body to fail at every
point until I had the baby in my arms and that kind of spilled over a little
bit into my life as well I always look at other pregnant women and I feel a bit
anxious especially if they're close to me I feel anxious about them in
expecting their bodies to fail almost thinking that what happened to me might
happen to someone else and bring them as much pain as it brought to me and so
it's like I've lost faith in the human body and how it works
when I get ill as well I also expect myself to you know feel worse than I
actually am so if I get a headache I start to worry whether or not it's just
a headache or if it's a little bit more so it's definitely developed a little
bit of anxiety towards illnesses and diseases in me and that's not a great
feeling it's something that I fight and I try not to be negative about my body
but something inside me changed after that loss and it was the realization
that my body is not always going to succeed and that then turned into
expecting it to fail so that's like a coping mechanism
a defense mechanism for me something else I've felt after I lost that
pregnancy was a very strong desire to have a family and have a baby and it
wasn't something that I had I felt before losing a baby it was on me when I
was told I couldn't have something that I really wanted and I started to
appreciate larger families more than night than ever than I have ever thought
about larger families I look at families of five six children and I think how
blessed and lucky you are to have so many healthy children and it's just
something funny that happens with me now and I see large families I really
appreciate them because I know how easy it is it's just like that to lose a
pregnancy so I really appreciate larger families now but at the same time
another feeling is a feeling of being scared of growing my own family because
if my body's failed me once what's stopping it from failing again and so
for me to decide to get pregnant the second time was a mixture of I'm really
determined to have a family now that my body's failed me but I'm really scared
and really worried about what's gonna happen and how that's gonna affect me
and then when I went on to try for baby number two I was scared again of
tempting fate you know I have one healthy child why try again and maybe
something will happen so these are constant thoughts in my head
especially now that we've been talking about possibly trying for baby number
three or even considering the possibility of having baby number three
I'm always constantly thinking I have a history behind me I am NOT just an
innocent person with an innocent mind to thinking that I can have a baby whenever
I want and that history makes me feel like maybe two is good enough and maybe
I shouldn't tempt fate and try again so yeah I wonder if anyone else feels
like that because I know like my logical brain is telling me to give you all the
reasons why this is all irrational but I'm here to
be irrational and emotional on this video I'm not here to say to you I know
that that's no reason to not have a baby I'm here to say that's how I feel and
it's okay to feel like that because losing the baby changes you another
feeling which is such a shame that you have to feel like that but I feel like
everyone who's lost a baby and goes on to have another pregnancy feels like
early pregnancy is a period of no hope completely you just expect your body to
miscarry or you expect your body to fail you expect it's been another ectopic
pregnancy it's just a no hope period so it kind of seeps and ticks away that
happiness that you feel when you find out you're pregnant which is just I feel
so robbed of that because I never get I never got to have that my first
pregnancy was my loss my ectopic pregnancy and so since then the two
times that I've been pregnant afterwards were all filled with worries and dread
rather than happiness and an excitement so the early pregnancy for me is just a
period of no hope it's not until I get to about 12 16 weeks that I start to
feel like maybe this will be okay and the last thing that I feel since losing
a baby is that I am hyper aware of my body every twinge every egg every niggle
even the smallest things I feel and I notice and before I probably wouldn't
have noticed any of that really aware of all the aches and pains and the twinges
and the little signs of anything possibly being wrong with my body and I
feel like I'm like that even when I'm not pregnant or trying to get pregnant
just on a daily basis I'm so aware of everything that's happening in my body
and it kind of helps me like keep track of my cycles you know my fertility
because I I know when I'm ovulating I feel the ovulation
Payne I know when up my period is coming I know when it's gonna finish it's just
I'm really aware and really sensitive towards my body since losing a baby and
I did not have that before losing a pregnancy
I wasn't that tuned in with my body and I feel like that's something that
changed since then since the loss so that's everything that I had to share
with you guys today I hope you found this video interesting if you're going
through a loss please don't feel like you're alone you're not alone
there's plenty of support for you out there is the channel on forum if you go
on my description box below I'm going to leave a link to the channel mum forum
it's a great place to talk to other mums and to you know health professionals and
people who can help you deal with your loss if you're struggling and also just
comment below and let's talk let's keep talking about it if you feel like
talking it took me a while to talk about my loss so I do understand if you don't
feel like talking about it yet but yeah we're not alone losing a baby hurts and
it's something that you carry with you for the rest of your life I hope you're
all doing well and I will see you all in my next video bye