I’ve got a little bit of a problem with the Kinect.
It stems from years and years of playing DDR, Rock Band, and other games where accuracy
and timing are your bread-and-butter: I don’t do well with inexact controls.
I can permit some cheesiness, shouting weird things, convoluted plot, low-tech graphics,
or bad voice acting... but when the game’s going to sit there and tell me I missed, when
I and everyone with a functioning set of sensory apparatus know that I didn’t... that’s
beyond the pale.
Doesn’t matter if it’s the spins in Beethoven Virus or the shouty bits in Hier Kommt Alex.
It’s a mechanical failure.
And Kinect, which doesn’t have a mechanism so to speak, is as egregious a transgressor
as any.
Part of it may be my physical incompatibility with the device; standing at 6-foot-4 (that’s
193 centimeters for you international viewers), it’s really tough to get me in the shot
without an airport runway’s worth of space.
And there isn’t that much space, here in space.
Y’getting me?
So, Kung-Fu.
I loved it on the NES, but this ain’t no NES.
No, instead it seeks to drop you, yes, you, the player whose picture was just taken on
the sly, into the pages of your very own comic book!
Look at me, I’m like Sketch Turner!
Anyway.
You’re off to collect a package from the docks, after waking up in your clothes apparently
(man, must’ve been one hell of a night), when suddenly ABORIGINAL HOSTILES FROM NOWHERE.
And you were just supposed to pick up a comic book!
And here’s where we get to the point of the game, that is, aside from taking pictures
of you to compile into a comic book.
It’s COMBAT TIME.
Erm.
Okay.
So you’re standing in an area, and then hostiles come at your sides, and you punch
and kick them off.
And there are combos you can do, if they feel like registering.
And your enemies have health bars to deplete, if your hits feel like registering.
And you can block and dodge oncoming attacks, if these feel like registering.
And you can jump, by jumping and flinging your arms in the air and arching your back
over.
Again, say it with me now, “If it feels like registering.”
Often, this just isn’t the case.
And when you’re the better part of two meters and all of a hundred kilos, that kind of nonsense
is just disrespectful to any furniture, pets, or neighbors what might be in the vicinity.
That kind of flailing takes room that almost no one has.
My best performance was when I adopted the Steve Urkel stance, and that’s just sad.
That’s just sad.
And the reliance on these rather shaky mechanics only becomes more and more significant as
the game goes on.
Once the spear-wielding jokers start hitting the table, you’ve got problems.
You can try to jump over them, but you probably won’t succeed in the motion until you’ve
taken significant damage.
You can try to abuse a height differential, which is your best bet, but even these don’t
appear in each stage.
I like the idea behind the game, and I appreciate the aesthetic, but - and I hate to use these
terms - the inaccuracy just breaks the game to all but the most casual player.
I mean, the martial arts minigame in the first EyeToy: Play back in ‘03 felt significantly
more responsive, and better as a party diversion, though Kung-Fu High Impact does offer player-controlled
foes for ganging up on the guy flailing before the Kinect.
But this game’s draw is in its comic-book campaign mode, which - if you’ve got the
space, the right body shape, and tolerance for dodgy controls - is worth at least a rental.
More if you’re a huge Comix Zone fan.