Alright, now when I was a kid, a played a lot of baseball.
And for the most part, every team that I've been a part of, has been terrible.
But all that changed, when I played for the team, called 'The Trojans' in middle school.
You see, in middle school it's a big difference, playing baseball.
You're older now, and your coaches don't have to be nice to you all the time.
This wasn't tee-ball, where your coach gives you praise no matter what you do.
"Ah, you did so great, little Billy!"
"Even though you were digging in your ass crack half the time in the outfield."
"You get a juice box, way to go, champ!"
No, it's not like that.
All of a sudden I'm 12 years old, and my coach is some 44-year-old man
who smokes cigarettes and calls me an asshole, when I get thrown out stealing second.
Now, this guy was just an angry man in general.
I'm not sure, what his home life was like.
But it probably consisted of a lot of divorce
and a lot of lonely nights eating the Hungry Man TV dinners.
But he taught us baseball in a very simple, but effective way.
If you missed a grounder, you had to run a lap.
If you struck out, had to run a lap.
If you forgot to wear your jockstrap..
well, guess what? Your ass is running a lap!
And you don't want to forget your jockstrap, let me tell you!
"You guys need to protect your nuts! You hear me?!"
"You guys feel more ground balls with your crotch than you do with your goddamn glove!"
Sometimes he'd even have a kid go around with a baseball bat
tap everybody in the crotch just to make sure you were wearing a cup.
Now, we had some classy individuals on our team, let me tell you!
There was our catcher Adam, how had a big-ass retainer in his mouth.
Nobody could understand what the hell he was saying.
"SSSheyeverybodySSSSSwhatSSSSsSSSSgoingSSSSSonSSS!"
"What did he say?"
"I don't know, I think he's speaking fucking Portuguese or something"
You had our first baseman Mark
who our coach hated, because he could never remember any of the signals, when he was at bat.
Our coach would be at third base, giving him signs.
Mark would be standing there, all perplexed.
"What the hell is he doing? La Macarena?!"
"What do you want me to do, Coach?"
"God damn it, Mark, BUNT!"
"I WANT YOU TO BUNT, YOU DENSE BASTARD!"
And then you had Dennis.
And Dennis had it the worst, because Dennis was the coach's kid!
No matter what Dennis did, it was never good enough.
"Jesus Christ, Dennis! You're swinging the bat like a goddamn golden girl!"
"It's no wonder, why your mother left us, holy hell!"
But even if we were incompetent, our psychopath coach would always find us a way to win our games.
He'd pull as aside in the dugout:
"All right, we're down 3 runs. You guys are forgetting that baseball is a mental game!"
"Here, watch this!"
"Hey, pitcher! The hospital just called!"
"Your grandma just broke her hip, trying to wipe her ass!"
"She's in critical condition!"
"Oh no, not Mimo!"
"See? Now his head is all screwed up, he can't even focus on pitching now!"
"Oh my God, my Mimo is in trouble!"
He'd have Adam talk to the batters, while they're trying to hit.
"SSSSSheySSSSSbetterSSSSSbatterSSSSS"
"SSSSSHEYSSSSSBETTERSSSSSBATTERSSSSS"
"SSSSSSSCHWINGBETTERSSSSSSS"
"Why the fuck does this guy keep speaking Portuguese?"
(Whooosh-pop!) "Strike three!"
But of course, the other teams we played against, would talk some shit too.
I mean, our team name was 'The Trojans' for Christ's sake!
We pretty much asked for it.
"Hey, Trojans! I didn't know condoms knew how to play baseball"
"Yeah, well, at least we won't have to worry about STDs when we're fucking you in the playoffs!"
(Whoosh-pop!) "Strike three!"
"Oh, God damn it!"
Now, thanks to our verbally abusive coach and all of our shit talking
we were actually a pretty good team!
Hell, we even made it to the city championship in our division.
And the city championship is a pretty big deal.
Everybody's family comes out to watch the game.
"Is that my uncle Bob? I thought he was still in prison!"
"Hey, Billy, why don't you keep your fuckin' mouth shut out there and mind your own business?!"
All right, Play ball! Now we were pretty confident we were gonna win this game.
That is we were confident, until we've seen the team that we had to play against.
Because every kid on this goddamn team
looked like the fuckin' Russian from Rocky 4 for Christ's sake!
They were huge!
They're using our own players as bats and shit.
The pitcher's throwing arm is twice the size of his other arm.
Everybody on our team is too petrified to swing the bat.
"God damn it, Mark! Lean into it or something! Take one for the team!"
(Whooosh-thud!)
"Holy smokes! Did that kid just get murdered by a baseball?!"
"Nah, I know a dead kid when I see one, he's all right!"
"All right, Mark, that's what I'm talking about! That's as good as a hit!"
"As good as a hit, Mark!"
"If he dies, he dies."
By the third inning we're getting completely destroyed!
People are leaving the bleachers and shit.
"Hey, Billy, if I wanted to see a bunch of guys get their asses pounded in.."
"I would've just stayed in prison! Thanks for nothing!"
Our coach is at total denial.
He just starts swearing at the umpire.
"God damn it, blue! Why don't you just give them the trophy, you crooked asshole!"
"Hey, buddy, that's not a nice thing to say!"
"I'm gonna throw you out of the game!"
And just like that
(Whhhoooop!)
our coach got thrown out of the game.
And now we're just standing there, with no coach.
"Well, what are we gonna do now, coach ourselves?"
"Hey, Dennis! Uhm... I've seen a crippled kid swing the bat better!"
"It's no wonder why your mom has a new boyfriend every other week!"
By the fifth inning we're down by, like, 15 runs.
The umpire is looking at us, like:
"Look, we all got shit to do today, right? I'm just gonna call the game, they won!"
"We have won, victory, comrades!"
"Glory to the USSR!"
So we got mercied in our championship game, which is quite an embarrassing way to lose.
Our coach is in the parking lot, like:
"What happened? Did you guys rally together and win the game?!"
"Uhm, no. We lost so bad, that we weren't even allowed to finish the game."
"Oh, well, that's the way it goes."
"Just remember, I'm proud of you, guys! And you guys played your best, all right?"
"Except for you, Dennis! You played like shit!"
"It's no wonder why your mom is out there, selling her body on the streets."
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