- [Voiceover] The Parenting Junkie
- Hi guys and welcome back to The Parenting Junkie,
the place to go to love parenting
and for parenting from love.
Today I want to talk about apologizing,
because somehow apologizing has become something
that we force our children to do,
when I think it was never really meant to be that way.
I think that true apologies are
a really important ingredient of a healthy relationship,
because they are the manifestation of repair,
when we feel like we've hurt someone in some way
and we're moved to repair our relationship with them.
But when apologies are forced, they become very insincere,
perhaps even indignant, and that's actually what
we're promoting in our children
when we force them to apologize, an inauthenticity.
Also, if you think about yourself,
it often takes a long time to be ready to apologize.
We need to process what's happened, our part in it,
and be moved to repair the relationship.
That can take hours, days, sometimes even years
in adult relationships.
But we expect our children
to apologize fully and immediately.
We also ask them to just say, I'm sorry,
as if that constitutes a real, heartfelt, and meaningful
apology, where in fact we're teaching them
that just shallow empty words spat out at the other person
is worthy and is something to aspire to.
I think most of us would be really uninterested
in such an apology from people who we care about
in our lives, but why are we teaching our children
that that's a good way of repairing a mishap
in their own relationships.
Look, apologizing is not easy,
not for any of the adults I know,
and of course not for any of the children.
When we apologize it means that we feel feelings of guilt
over something that we've done,
perhaps feelings of shame as well,
and those aren't easy to tolerate.
Typically, we want to defend ourselves from such feelings.
We'll go through all manner of justification
in our own minds so that we don't have to deal
with those feelings and face them.
That's why being able to apologize is a sign
of emotional maturity, and let's remember,
our children are immature.
That means they're still learning.
Learning can take years and in this case, usually does.
Forced apologies are as common as
forced sharing in our culture,
and if you want to know my opinion on forced sharing,
check out my video about seven reasons not to force sharing.
Apologies that are insincere are also ineffective.
We feel it when someone is not really sorry.
It doesn't create the repair and the closeness
that apologies are designed to create.
When you force an apology, it might be an apology
through gritted teeth, where they're really
wishing the other person ill
while maintaining their defensive stance.
That teaches them that inauthenticity is okay,
and that you should repress your internal experience
and your true feelings in the moment,
in exchange for a shallow apology.
Which I think doesn't create a secure sense of self.
On the other hand, knowing how to apologize
and how to create real repair in a relationship,
and be moved to do so,
is an important part of healthy relationships,
and will stand our children in good stead for the future.
So we do want to help them cultivate a sense
of how to apologize.
You know, we all want our children to have meaningful
life-long friendships, and those usually include
a lot of apologizing.
So how can we encourage this skill
in our children without forcing it.
I think there are two major components to this.
The first is modelling apology,
and the second is encouraging apology.
So let's look at the first one, modelling apology.
We all, or at least I, certainly talk and behave
towards my children in ways that warrant apology.
I speak rudely, I forget to say please and thank you,
I lose my cool and I yell several times a day.
I have opportunities to apologize
to my children for how I've behaved.
When that comes, that is a great opportunity for me
to show them that I can take full responsibility
and that I can apologize
and create repair in the relationship.
So several times a day, you could hear me saying things
like, "I'm sorry, I said that unkindly, I should have
"used kinder words, I apologize."
Or, "I apologize for rushing you just now,
"I know you're in the middle of a project
"and I haven't managed my time well, and now I'm late.
"I'm really sorry."
Sincere apologies for things that we're doing
to our children all the time.
When children are apologized to regularly,
then they see that apologizing is just a normal and healthy
part of any relationship.
I think that those children will be able to apologize
with relative ease, at least that's
certainly is my experience.
When you're modelling an apology,
be sure to model a good apology.
Good apologies have several components.
So the first thing you want to keep in mind
is always err on the side of more serious,
treating the infraction as though it was worse
than you probably think it was,
because what usually happens is when you hurt someone else,
your defense mechanism makes you think it wasn't that bad.
Their defense mechanism makes them think it was really bad,
and there's nothing worse than someone
belittling your pain through an apology.
Like saying, oh, that must have been a bit annoying for you
when it was really really painful for you.
So make sure that you are taking it
as seriously as the person you hurt.
The second rule is never use ifs or buts.
Don't say I'm sorry if I hurt you.
That really belittles them
and doesn't take full responsibility
when you should know full well that you did.
And don't say but, because but always negates
anything that came before it,
so if you say, "I'm sorry but you were
"really annoying just now", that's not a sincere
or helpful apology, and it won't make anyone feel better.
An apology is always a one-sided communication that requests
nothing from the other person including forgiveness.
You state that you are taking full responsibility.
You state what you did and you apologize,
and you give them the time and space
to respond however they want.
They don't have to acknowledge it.
They don't have to say it's okay, or I forgive you.
An apology is a one-sided communication.
You know, acknowledge the guilt and regret on your side,
but expect and request nothing in return.
An apology is the time to take on full responsibility
for your behavior, not to explain it
or blame the other person.
This is about what you did wrong
and you accepting guilt and responsibility.
It can be very short and not a lengthy lecture.
The second element you want to consider
is encouraging an apology when you see that your child
has done something to hurt yourself or others.
So you can kindly and gently mention that an apology
might be in order or might make someone feel better.
For example, saying something like, "It didn't feel good
"when you demanded your drink like that"
or, "It looks like Johnny's feelings might be hurt",
could encourage and invite your child to repair
anything unkind that they may have done.
This is an open-ended invitation for repair,
which may or may not come in the form of an apology.
Often, repair looks like a hug, a kind glance,
a small gesture, and any repair,
any kindness and gesture towards a repair of a relationship
should be celebrated and accepted.
When your child does apologize, take a moment to acknowledge
the repair that they did, because they need to know
that that makes you feel better
and that helps the relationship be strong and healthy.
You can thank them and let them know
that that's meaningful to you.
It's important to remember that people
take different amounts of time
to process events and feelings.
So sometimes apologies come a lot later than you hoped for,
hours or even days, but being patient and allowing them
to come authentically will hopefully build that muscle
in your child so that they're aware that repair
is an important part in a healthy relationship.
So even if it comes much later than you were hoping for,
that's okay, cuz you're the adult so you can wait.
Do you force apologies at home?
Do you not force apologies?
How does this work or not work for you?
I'd love to hear.
The absolute best place to have this conversation
is over at theparentingjunkie.com, so head on over
and leave your comment now.
I love to hear from you guys.
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Keep on loving parenting and parenting from love
because your kids need you almost as much as you need them.
Bye.
- [Voiceover] The Parenting Junkie.