[calm piano music]
Michael: Dr. Free, here we are
in the Surgeon Simulator 2013.
Michael: We have to transplant a heart.
Gavin: [weird noise] Who's the patient?
Michael: Some dude. I don't know.
Gavin: I'm beginning. God.
Michael: So you have the--
Michael: you have the mouse.
Michael: So you control his hand.
Gavin: A, W, E, R.
Michael: Yeah.
Michael: And space.
Gavin: I'm not gonna worry about any of that.
Michael: No, 'cause I got the fingers.
Gavin: Okay.
Michael: So we gotta bust this fucker open
Michael: rip his heart out
Michael: and slap in a new one.
Gavin: Good Lord.
Michael: "Million dollar man" style.
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: It's like a billion now though.
Gavin: Do you know where this music's from?
Michael: I have no idea.
Gavin: It's from Casualty!
Michael: That doesn't-
Michael: I don't care what that is.
Gavin: [hums song]
Michael: Just fucking click the damn thing and start. Gavin: Oh, sorry.
Gavin: I didn't realize we were waiting on me.
Michael: Alright. Gavin: Jesus.
Michael: Okay. Gavin. GAVIN.
Gavin: [laughs] Michael: You already threw a pair of scissors
Michael: into his fucking gut.
Gavin: That was a-
Michael: Alright, go over the tarp so I can move the sheet.
Gavin: This is important Michael: Okay
Michael: No, we need to move this sheet, like--
Gavin: Don't swear at me, Michael!
Michael: Hang on my fingers don't work.
Michael: Oh. Gavin: OOOOHHH.
Michael: Wait. Hang on. Gavin: [laughing] Oh my god.
Michael: GAVIN
Michael: THE HEART'S ALREADY JUST HANGING OUT.
Gavin: Sorry.
Michael: Fucking leave that.
Michael: That's a cup, dude.
Gavin: Oh, okay, okay. Michael: Here we go, grab the sheet.
Michael: There you go. Gavin: That’s my scissors!
Michael: There's the fucking scissors
Michael: just laying on his ribcage.
Michael: Alright, these scissor
Michael: they're gonna fall inside his heart.
Gavin: OH.
Gavin: There go the scissors.
Michael: Well, there go the scissors.
Michael: That's fine;
Michael: we didn't need those anyway.
Gavin: He needs to be injected-
Gavin: OH!
Gavin: There goes-
Gavin: [laughs]
Gavin: OOOOOOOHH Michael: Dude, lift your hand up.
Michael: You're dragging everything on the floor!
Michael: I got it.
Michael: No, I don't.
Gavin: You haven't grabbed anything- OH
Michael: DUDE, YOU GOTTA LIFT YOUR HAND UP
Michael: You’re fucking- Gavin: OH
Michael: Oh my god.
Gavin: Ruined it. Ruined it.
Michael: Here, turn your-
Michael: keep turning your hand.
Gavin: Oops. Sorry. Pardon me.
OH
Gavin: [laughs] Michael: Turn around.
Michael: [to patient] Fuck you...
you fucking piece of shit.
Michael: [to Gavin] You're gonna fucking finger his mouth?
Michael: What are you doing?
Gavin: I'm waving the bird.
Gavin: What is it that you americans call it?
Gavin: Fl-
Um...
Flicking the bean?
Michael: Flipping the bird, Gavin. Gavin: Right, there you go.
Michael: FLICKING THE BEAN? Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: Alright, get your finger out of his stomach.
Michael: Get that fucking thing. We gotta-
Michael: LEAVE THE HEART ALONE, MAN
Michael: We gotta break his ribcage. Gavin: Let’s grab this bit of paper.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: Fucking Christ. Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: Jesus Christ.
Michael: Alright.
Michael: WHERE'S THE FUCKING HEART?!
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: YOU THR- IT'S GONE!
Gavin: [laughs] It was like a magic trick!
Michael: Well, it's on the fucking floor now.
Michael: I don't think the five second rule applies, dude.
Michael: You're not gonna blow the fucking dirt off of it.
Gavin: And for my next trick,
Gavin: I will pull out his ribs.
Gavin: [in weird accent] Scalpel.
Michael: FOR WHAT?
Michael: HE'S DEAD!
Michael: YOU THREW HIS HEART AWAY!
Gavin: We can probably find it.
Michael: How- Where are we gonna find it?!
Gavin: It might be-
Gavin: Oh, look at this pizza cutter! Michael: OH JESUS CHRIST
Gavin: I JUST DROPPED THE RADIO
Gavin: The music is gone!
Michael: No, the music is still playing
Michael: but you did put broken glass inside of him.
Gavin: Get the pizza cutter. Get the pizza cutter!
Michael: Lift your hand up.
Michael: Let go of the trigger.
Both: Okay.
Michael: Now move it forward.
Michael: Rotate your hand u- Oh my God.
Gavin: [grunts]
Michael: You're slapping him in the face Gavin: [laughs]
Gavin: It's gone minging.
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: Gavin.
Gavin: These are vicious controls.
Michael: Gavin.
Gavin: Hold it.
Michael: Okay, now lower it. Gavin: Yep.
Michael: Okay, now we have the fucking head of the hammer.
Michael: [sarcastically] That's awesome Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: Let's wack him with the handle.
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: What are you fucking doing, dude?
Michael: Okay, wait.
Michael: Okay, grab it.
Gavin: We got it!
Gavin: [extreme screaming] Michael: YOU'RE HITTING HIM IN THE FACE!
Michael: GAVIN! Gavin: OH, GOD!
Michael: You just fucking cracked his brain!
Michael: He needs brain surgery now, dude.
Gavin: [laughing] I've got it stuck through the handle of the box!
Gavin: Hold on. Okay, we got it.
Gavin: [screaming] Michael: JESUS CHRIST MAN
Michael: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
Gavin: WE LOST A LOT- Michael: Stop. Stop.
Gavin: WE LOST A LOT OF- Michael: Gav.
Michael: We've lost everything. Gavin: [sad] Awwww..
Michael: We've lost everything.
Gavin: That was too difficult, isn't it?
Gavin: Isn't it difficult?
Michael: Let's try to keep the heart Gavin: Alright.
Michael: in the fucking box this time, Gavin: Well...
Gavin: it was locked up.
Michael: until we crack his ribcage.
Gavin: I accidentally did a magic trick and it went away, didn't it?
Michael: Lower your hand.
Gavin: [helicopter noises]
Gavin: [mechanical claw noise]
Gavin: Grab that.
Michael: Alright.
Michael: Don't pull his stomach out!
Gavin: Can we use this?
Michael: I guess...
Michael: Okay. Hang on. Gavin: Let's grab this.
Gavin: No, don't sw- [laughs]
Michael: My fingers don't work. Hang on.
Michael: Gavin, lift your hand up, dude.
Michael: You're picking up the clipboard!
Gavin: [quiet laughs]
Michael: You're gonna write him a note?!
Michael: "I owe you one new heart."
Gavin: [laughs]
Gavin: What are these little dentist hooks?
Michael: I don't know.
Michael: Pick 'em up. Gavin: Like the tiny little mirrors.
Michael: No, wait.
Hang on. Hang on.
Michael: No, you're gonna drop-
Both: OOOOOHHH
Michael: JESUS CHRIST
Gavin: [laughing] Let's pull the guy's ribs out.
'Cause he doesn't need those right now.
Michael: We're not gonna pull them ou- Oh, my God.
Gavin: Sorry! Michael: Holy shit.
Michael: You ripped his ribs out with your bare hands.
Gavin: Let's grab this one [screams]
Michael: [laughing] Oh, my god.
Michael: Oh, my God!
Gavin: Boy, that's really on there!
Gavin: I've got a lung.
Gavin: [screams]
Michael: Do we not need to put his lung back in?
Gavin: Thankfully, he has two lungs.
Michael: Most of the damage is done.
Michael: Get the hammer.
Gavin: He has two lungs, it's fine.
Michael: Jus- Just get the hammer, dude.
Gavin: Let's get his glass of- Oops.
Michael: Would you stop breaking glass?
Gavin: Is that my blood or his blood on my hand?
Michael: It's everyone's blood.
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: 'Right, it's between your f-
Gavin: [laughs] Michael: Goddamn it.
Michael: Grab that fucking buzz saw for me.
Gavin: Alright, let's get the pizza cutter. We're gonna use that.
Michael: It's not a pizza cutter.
Gavin: IT IS!
Michael: I can't pick it up! Gavin: [laughs] Michael.
Gavin: On the lower end. Michael: Ok, ok, ok. Hang on.
Gavin: There we go!
Michael: Yeah, grab the fucking blade end, dude!
Gavin: Okay, here we go.
Gavin: Here we go. Lower it down. It's a procedure.
Gavin: Stop swearing at me the whole time!
Michael: We got it. Gavin: [screams]
Michael: You're cutting his insides open. Gavin: Alright [continues screaming]
Michael: [laughing] Gavin.
Gavin: Let's get them out!
Michael: Gavin.
Gavin: That's bad news.
Gavin: [saw noises]
Michael: Bring your- oh my god.
Michael: You're gonna fucking cut this guy's head off.
Gavin: No, just gonna-
Michael: You just snipped his dick off.
Gavin: [grunts] There you go. Did it!
Gavin: He's good. He's good.
Gavin: That's right, drop this. We don't need that.
Michael: Ok, we're just gonna drop the saw back inside of him again.
Gavin: Ok, get the lung out of there!
Gavin: We don't need the lung.
Michael: We don't need a pesky lung.
Gavin: That's a bit of rib. Don't need that.
Michael: Ok, a broken rib.
Michael: This guy is fucking dying quickly.
Gavin: Oh , is he?
Gavin: Oh, he's losing blood!
Michael: Are you trying to finger him?
Gavin: [laughs]
Gavin: [screaming] OH, THAT'S A LUNG!
Michael: Alright, there goes his other lung.
Gavin: That's a lung... [gibberish] [laughs] Michael: Why would he need that?
Gavin: Alright, let's get the heart out of there!
Gavin: It's purple, it's not good.
Gavin: It's like a swolen plum.
Michael: [sarcastically] I wonder why.
Gavin: [snort laughs]
Gavin: Grab it.
Michael: I'm ff-
Gavin: [snort laughs]
Gavin: Wow! WOW! Michael: Why are you gonna stab him to death with his own rib?
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: Gavin.
Michael: Don't stab the new heart!
Gavin: Let go of it!
Michael: [sarcastically] Yeah, break the EKG machine too.
Michael: I'm gonna grab it upside down.
Gavin: It's like that scene in the Matrix.
Michael: What am I doing?
Gavin: Hoo, hwa~
Gavin: [laughs] Michael: Dude.
Gavin: [screams] Michael: Holy fuck.
Gavin: [laughing] Sorry.
Michael: His heart is still attached.
Gavin: There's too much stuff in there.
Michael: There's arteries and shit.
Gavin: Yea, just yank them out.
Gavin: [grunts loudly] Michael: Gavin. Gavin.
Gavin: [continues grunting] Michael: Gavin.
Gavin: IT WON'T COME OFF Michael: [frustrated] Gavin...
Gavin: Alright, we need the pizza cutter again.
Gavin: Hold on. Michael: Jesus...
Gavin: Where is that? Michael: [tired] It's right there.
Gavin: Just over here~
Gavin: Actually, no. Let's use- [laughs]
Gavin: [laughing] Let's see where's the...
Michael: What are we- Gavin: [giggling] We're really low on supplies.
Michael : YOU THREW EVERYTHING ON THE FLOOR LIKE AN ANIMAL
Gavin: The receptionist needs- okay.
Michael: The receptionist?
Michael: Is that who stands next to the doctor during the operation?
Michael: The receptionist?
Michael: You have seven knives in your hand right now.
Gavin: [old-timey accent] SEVERE THE ARTERIES.
Michael: You're like fucking Wolverine.
Gavin: [scream-growls]
Michael: You're gonna slice through this guy. Gavin: I think I got it, I think I got it.
Gavin: Let's -ahn- get this- OOH
Gavin: We don't need this yet.
Gavin: Let's get this just ready.
Michael: No. Get it- GAVIN! Gavin: OH! Michael!
Michael: His heart's now just rolling around on the table.
Michael: It's gonna fall in between the cracks.
Michael: It's gonna fall in between the cracks. Gavin: Let's get this out of here. Is it still beating?
Michael: He's fucking dying! Gavin: You don't grab it! You gotta grab it!
Michael: I gotta grab his heart, just f- Gavin: Aw, don't grab the scalpel!
Gavin: You'll just cut his heart out! Michael: WHAT IS THIS, MORTAL KOMBAT?!
Michael: I'M GONNA RIP HIS HEART OUT OF HIS FUCKING CHEST WHILE IT'S STILL BEATING?!
Gavin: Yeah! We'll Lloyd Christmas this thing- AHH!
Michael: This guy has about 20 seconds before he bleeds to death.
Michael: because you're trying to rip his fucking beating heart from his chest.
Gavin: That's still really on there, isn't it? Alright.
Gavin: Pizza cutter. Let go, let go! Pizza cutter.
Michael: Oh my God. Ohhh my God. Gavin: Here we go, here we go. It's like a, uh...
Gavin: It's a Hawaiian pizza.
Michael: How is it like a Hawaiian pizza?
Michael: You're gonna slice his new heart in the- Gavin: OH, it's rolling!
Gavin: Alright, okay, it's as low as it can be, I'm gonna tease it around Michael: Move it up!
Michael: Move it UP.
Gavin: [struggle noise]
Gavin: That was it! That was it! I think we got it!
Michael: Okay... It looks like it's still beating.
Michael: You now dropped- Gavin: GET THE NEW HEART!
Gavin: He's gonna die in 2 seconds! Grab it!
Michael: TURN YOUR HAND AROUND!
Michael: I CAN'T PICK IT UP WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND!
Gavin: [laughing] Wait, hold on!
Michael: Oh my God!
Gavin: Alright.
Michael: You're gonna punch the new heart into his chest! [Gavin screaming]
Michael: GODDAMN IT! GODDAMN IT!
Michael: WE LOST ANOTHER ONE!
Gavin: It was tragic, Michael, it was tragic.
Michael: This is like M*A*S*H all over again.
Gavin: But, as they say with surgery, it's a learning curve, isn't it?
[Michael laughing]
Gavin: Let's go again! This time, let's use the hammer.
Gavin: I think the hammer's important.
Michael: Well, here's what you should do about the hammer-
Gavin: Alright, let's, I mean, let's-
Michael: Don't throw it on the floor.
Gavin: I wish they wouldn't leave beakers around!
Gavin: Who did- Michael: Stop fucking smacking them!
Michael: What did you just knock off? Gavin: [laughing] I dunno but it's broken now.
Gavin: Here we go! [grunting] Smash it!
Michael: Holy shit. Gavin: Smash it!
Gavin: OHHH, it was a mess! Michael: This is what my insurance is paying for?
Gavin: Alright, let me get rid of that.
Michael You just- "HAMMER TIME!! - 2000 blood loss"
Gavin: Alright, drop it, drop the hammer.
Michael: In his gut?
Gavin: N-NO! Careful! Michael: No. Get it out- get it
Michael: YOU'RE GONNA HIT HIM IN THE FACE!
Gavin: Alright... We're good.
Gavin: So, we need to cut the heart with this uh like j-jigsaw thing?
Michael: You wanna SAW his heart to pieces with a hacksaw?
Gavin: Yeah.
Michael: Just slice the first heart in half on the way, why not? Gavin: OHHH
Michael: Yeah, it's there
Michael: This guy is getting fucking shredded.
Gavin: Hold on...
Michael: You still haven't severed the heart,
Michael: you just stabbed him in the abdomen a hundred times.
Gavin:I've lost-
Gavin: He lost 2000 blood in one go there
Michael: Ahn... He's gonna be dead in about 4 seconds
Gavin: Alright, there we g- [chokes]
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: Did you just stab him in the face?
Gavin: [laughs]
Gavin: [laughing] I think I slit his throat by accident
Gavin: [continues laughing]
Gavin: [squeaks]
Gavin: [continues laughing]
Gavin: I just severed-
Gavin: [heavy inhale]
Gavin: I went straight for the jugular
Michael: You're like the fucking angel of death!
Gavin: Alright, this is the one!
Gavin: Fourth time is the-
Gavin: [tries to remember the word charm] Ahhn
Gavin: the surgery
Gavin: It won't break this time! Michael: Okay
Michael: Put the fucking- put the hand over there.
Gavin: Oh! Michael: There you go!
Gavin: That was everything. Michael: Okay, okay, okay.
Gavin: Ooh, we lost a lot of blood.
Michael: The hammer is in your fucking hand
Gavin: [sigh of relief]
Michael: And now it's not.
Gavin: [laughs]
Gavin: Alright, let's ditch one rib-
Gavin: Ahn, one lung.
Michael: Alright, get the fucking lungs out of there.
Gavin: Oooh [laughs] Michael: That was-
Michael: Alright, it's fucking out of there!
Michael: Punch it out, punch it out.
Michael: Not the heart, dude!
Michael: There you go! Gavin: OOOHH
Michael: Holy fuck! Gavin: WOW
Michael: Alright, all the ribs are out.
Michael: Now, this is a clean cut.
Michael: He's got 2500ml of blood left.
Gavin: Okay.
Michael: Just slice the arteries.
Michael: Get the fucking heart out of there.
Gavin: Well, I can't see because of my own hand!
Michael: Well, fucking BE the knive, dude.
Gavin: Okay, going in.
Michael: Stabbing him right in the center of the heart.
Gavin: Oh, that was precision.
Gavin: OH
Gavin: Oh! That was it!
Gavin: I got it.
Michael: You didn't get it, but I'll-
Michael: I'll entertain you.
Michael: Watch this.
Michael: Why don't you put your hand in
Michael: and try to rip his still beating heart out of his chest?
Gavin: Okay.
Michael: Watch what happens.
Michael: What do you know? It won't come out,
Michael: 'cause it's still fucking attached by arteries!
Gavin: Alright, alright.
Gavin: That can't still be attached, surely!
Gavin: That's it! That's it! Michael: There we go!
Michael: Okay, okay. Fuck it!
Michael: Grab the fucking- grab the new heart.
Gavin: [distressed noises]
Gavin: Pizza cutter's stuck in my hand! Michael: Get the fucking-
Michael: YOU DROPPED IT INSIDE OF HIM!
Michael: GET THE NEW HEART Gavin: Oh! Oh!
Michael: Get it, get it, get it, get it!
Michael: Okay.
Gavin: Wait, don't we need to get the other one out?
Michael: No, I don't give a shit!
Michael: Just get the new heart.
Gavin: Get this one out! Michael: Oh my god...
Gavin: Get this one out!
Michael: The guy has fucking half of a fucking kitchen inside of him. Gavin: OHH!
Michael: Alright?
Michael: Just get the new heart.
Michael: Slap it out of the way!
Gavin: OH! That was good.
Michael: Get the fucking heart.
Gavin: Alright, we don't have much time, Michael!
Michael: [stressed] I know, Gavin.
Michael: Hurry the FUCK up.
Michael: Ok, don't. Gavin: [nervous noises]
Michael: Okay, go over it . Gavin: [nervous noises]
Michael: Lower your hand. Gavin: Yep, we got it.
Gavin: Alright. Michael: We got the heart.
Gavin: [SCREAMS]
Michael: GAVIN, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? Gavin: [CONTINUES SCREAMING]
Michael: Are you fucking kidding me?! Gavin: Where did it go?! Where did it go?!
Michael: YOU THREW IT AGAINST THE WALL LIKE A WET PAPER TOWEL!!
Michael: You wanna try and scoop it off the floor?
Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: You wanna try and find it, Gavin?
Gavin: Have we got anything we can put in him? Michael: You ripped everything out of his guts.
Michael: He's filled with nothing but scalpels, Gavin: [laughs]
Michael: and fucking buzz saws and shit. Gavin: Let's put the pizza cutter back in there!
Michael: He's got no ribs,
Gavin: Grab it!
Michael: he's got no lungs,
Michael: he's got no heart;
Michael: you're a fucking idiot.
Gavin: Shhhh...
Gavin: Shhhhhh...
Game: [bone cracking noise]
Gavin: [imitates noise]
Gavin: [laughs] Michael: Yeah. Nice, Gavin.
Gavin: [continues laughing] Michael: Nice.
[channel's outro song]
Michael: You can't rip it out, Gavin!
Michael: You have to cut it! Gavin: [struggle noises]
Michael: It's not "Temple of Doom!" Gavin: [louder struggle noises]
Michael: You can't just rip his heart out of his chest!
Gavin: OH! B- Oh, my God!
Michael: Jesus Christ!
Michael: My hand is stuck in his ribs! Gavin: Oh, my God!
Gavin: It's bloody coming out of his asshole!
Michael: What the hell are you doing?! Gavin: [screams]
Michael: Our hand detached. Gavin: [still screaming]
Gavin: It's like a scene out of "Alien"!
Michael: We cut our own hand off, then it reattached itself.
Gavin: Okay. OH!
Gavin: Okay.
Gavin: Back in with the scalpel. Michael: Oh, my God.