THAT I HAVE A HIGH-END AUDIENCE THEY KNOW ABOUT HIGH-END
LIFESTYLES, LIKE THE KIND IN CELEBRITY LIFESTYLE BLOG GOOP,
PROPONENTS OF SUCH LUXURY WELLNESS PRODUCTS AS WEARABLE
STICKERS THAT PROMOTE HEALING OR FROG VENOM SKIN TREATMENTS.
THE PARALYSIS MEANS IT'S WORKING.
THAT'S WHY I AM SO EXCITED THAT AS PART OF A FEATURE TITLED "THE
BEAUTY & WELLNESS DETOX GUIDE," GOOP HAS DEBUTED A COFFEE ENEMA.
IT'S INVIGORATING.
I ALWAYS SAY I CAN'T START THE DAY UNTIL MY COFFEE'S HAD ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ♪ ♪
THAT'S A MR. COFFEE, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
AND IT'S STYLISH!
JUST LOOK AT IT'S SCANDINAVIAN MINIMALIST DESIGN.
IT'S ON A MARBLE LAZY SUSAN, SO I ASSUME IT'S EASIER TO SERVE AT
DINNER PARTIES.
AND ITS ELEGANT FUNCTIONALITY IS ONLY OUTDONE BY IT'S REAL,
ACTUAL NAME: THE IMPLANT-O-RAM-A.
THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME.
"I'M" GONNA "PLANT" IT AND THEN "OOOO-RAM-A."
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, THE MAKERS WANT YOU
TO KNOW THIS IS AN AT-HOME COFFEE ENEMA.
YES, SADLY, THE TRAVEL VERSION HAS BEEN BANNED BY THE T.S.A.
MORE THAN THREE OUNCES.
BUT WHILE I KNOW THIS PRODUCT SOUNDS UNIVERSALLY APPEALING,
THEY WARN IT'S ONLY FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO "SUPERCHARGE" THEIR
DETOX AND KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING."
AND IN CASE IT'S UNCLEAR, WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS BUTT-CHUGGING A
VENTI.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL:
THE IMPLANT-O-RAMA SYSTEM CAN BE YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF
$135.
SO THAT EXTRA CASH CAN GO FROM BURNING A HOLE IN YOUR POCKET TO
JUST BURNING YOUR HOLE.
>> Jon: WOW!
WOW!
( APPLAUSE ) WOOOO!
>> Stephen: NOT MAKING THIS UP.
AND IF THAT'S TOO STEEP, YOU CAN ALWAYS GET THE BEGINNER'S PACK.
A FRAPPUCINO AND A TURKEY BASTER.
( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, THE HATERS IN THE
MEDICAL COMMUNITY CAME OUT OF THE WOODWORK CALLING COFFEE
ENEMAS DANGEROUS, WITH RISKS INCLUDING COLITIS, AN
INFLAMMATORY BOWEL DISEASE; AND SEPTICEMIA, AN INFECTION CAUSED
BY BACTERIA IN THE BLOOD.
BUT, HEY, THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT YOUR WELLNESS STICKERS AND FROG
VENOM.
( LAUGHTER ) THESE SO-CALLED DOCTORS ALSO SAY
THE ENEMAS AREN'T TECHNICALLY "NECESSARY," BECAUSE "IF YOU
HAVE A LIVER, YOUR BODY IS ALREADY GETTING RID OF TOXINS."
YEAH, OK, MR. SCIENCE, BUT CAN MY LIVER MAKE ME FART PUMPKIN
SPICE?
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE THAT TIME OF YEAR!
I LOVE THAT TIME OF YEAR!
I KNOW IT'S FALL!
YOU KNOW IT'S FALL THEN.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
WELL, FANS OF THIS SHOW KNOW THAT I ALSO HAVE A LUXURY
LIFESTYLE BRAND THAT WANTS TO CLEAN OUT YOUR CHUTE, AND IT'S
COVETTON HOUSE.
>> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.
SHABBY ELEGANCE.
GIVE ME MONEY.
COVETTON HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO COVETTON HOUSE, WHERE YOUR SPIRIT SOARS
ALMOST AS HIGH AS OUR PRICES.
YOU KNOW, IN TODAY'S WORK-A-DAY WORLD, THERE'S HARDLY ANY TIME
FOR MUCH-NEEDED COFFEE ENEMAS AND TEA COLONICS, LET ALONE A
KOMBUCHA GENITAL SOAK, WHICH IS WHY I'M EXCITED TO INTRODUCE
THE INSERT-A-PALOOZA PRESSURIZED CAFFEINE CANNON.
( LAUGHTER ) DON'T WORRY ABOUT WARNINGS FROM
THE DOCTOR POLICE.
THIS HIGH-TECH SELF-CARE DEVICE IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH A
CURATED MIXTURE OF HAND-SELECTED FOUR LOKO.
DEVELOPED BY EUROPE'S MOST TROUBLED GERMAN SCIENTISTS, THE
INSERT-A-PALOOZA SYSTEM IS TOTALLY SAFE, HAVING CAUSED NO
DISEASES THAT THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY CURRENTLY HAS A NAME
FOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF
75 CHECKS FOR A HUNDRED DOLLARS.
THAT'S THE INSERT-APALOOZA.
REMEMBER OUR SLOGAN: "IT FITS WHERE YOU SITS."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SAM ROCKWELL.