[Music]
every year in the United States alone
two million 77,000 couples make a legal
and spiritual decision to spend the rest
of their lives together and not to have
sex with anyone else
ever he buys a ring she buys a dress
they go shopping for all sorts of things
she takes him to Arthur Murray for
ballroom dancing lessons and the big day
comes and they'll stand before God and
family and some guy her dad once did
business with and they'll vow that
nothing not abject poverty not
life-threatening illness not complete
and utter misery will ever put the
tiniest damper on their eternal love and
devotion
these optimistic young bastards promise
to honor and cherish each other through
hot flashes and midlife crises and a
cumulative 50-pound weight gain until
that far-off day when one of them is
finally able to rest in peace you know
cuz they can't hear this snoring anymore
and then they'll get stupid drunk and
smash cake in each other's faces and do
the Macarena and we'll be there
showering them with towels and toasters
and drinking their free booze and
throwing birdseed at them every single
time even though we know statistically
half of them will be divorced within a
decade
of course the other half won't right
they'll keep forgetting anniversaries
and arguing about where to spend
holidays and debating which way the
toilet paper should come off of the roll
and some of them some of them will even
still be enjoying each other's company
when neither of them can chew solid food
anymore and researchers want to know why
I mean look it doesn't take a
double-blind placebo-controlled study to
figure out what makes a marriage not
work right disrespect boredom too much
time on Facebook having sex with other
people but you can have the exact
opposite of all of those things respect
excitement a broken internet connection
mind-numbing monogamy and the things
still can go to hell in a handbasket so
what's going on when it doesn't what do
the folks who make it all the way to
side-by-side burial plots have in common
what are they doing right what can we
learn from them and if you're still
happily sleeping solo why should you
stop what you're doing and make it your
life's work to find that one special
person that you can annoy for the rest
of your life well researchers spend
billions of your tax dollars trying to
figure that out they stalk blissful
couples and they study their every move
and mannerism and they try to pinpoint
what it is that sets them apart from
their miserable neighbors and friends
and it turns out the success stories
share a few similarities actually beyond
they don't have sex with other people
for instance in the happiest marriages
the wife is thinner and better-looking
than the husband obvious this leads
right it's obvious that this leads to
marital bliss because women we care a
great deal about being thin and
good-looking whereas men mostly care
about sex ideally with women who are
thinner and better-looking than they are
the beauty of this research though is
that no one is suggesting that women
have to be thin to be happy her than our
partners so instead of all that
laborious dieting and exercising we just
need to wait for them to get fat maybe
make a few pies
this is good information to have and
it's not that complicated research also
suggests that the happiest couples are
the ones that focus on the positives
right for example the happy wife instead
of pointing out her husband's growing
gut or suggesting he go up for a run she
might say well honey thank you for going
out of your way to make me relatively
thinner these are couples who can find
good in any situation yeah it was
devastating when we lost everything on
that fire that it's kind of nice
sleeping out here under the stars and
it's a good thing you've got all that
body fat to keep us warm one of my
favorite studies found that the more
willing a husband is to do housework the
more attractive his wife will find him
because we needed a study to tell us
this but here's what's going on here the
more attractive she finds him more sex
they have the more sex they have the
nicer he is to her the nicer he is to
her the less she nags him about leaving
wet towels on the bed and ultimately
they live happily ever after
in other words men you might want to
pick it up a notch in the domestic
department here's an interesting one one
study found that people who smile in
childhood photographs are less likely to
get a divorce this is an actual study
and let me clarify the researchers were
not looking at documented self-reports
of childhood happiness or even studying
old journals the data were based
entirely on whether people looked happy
in these early pictures now I don't know
how old all of you are but when I was a
kid your parents took pictures with a
special kind of camera that held
something called film and bhai
film was expensive yeah they didn't take
300 shots of you in that rapid-fire
digital video mode and then pick out the
nicest smiley ax store the Christmas
card huh no they dressed you up they
lined you up and you smiled for the
[ __ ] camera like they told you to or
you could kiss your birthday party
goodbye but still I have a huge pile of
fake happy childhood pictures and I'm
glad they make me less likely than some
people to get it worse so what else can
you do to safeguard your marriage do not
win an Oscar for Best Actress
I'm serious Betty Davis Joan Crawford
Halle Berry Hilary Swank Sandra Bullock
Reese Witherspoon all of them single
soon after taking home that statue they
actually call it the Oscar curse it is
the marriage kiss of death and something
that should be avoided and it's not just
successfully starring in films that's
dangerous
it turns out merely watching a romantic
comedy causes relationship satisfaction
to plummet apparently the bitter
realization that maybe it could happen
to us but it obviously hasn't and it
probably never will makes our lives seem
unbearably grim in comparison and
theoretically I suppose if we opted for
a film where someone gets brutally
murdered or dies in a fiery car crash we
are more likely to walk out of that
theater feeling like we've got it pretty
good hey
drinking alcohol it seems bad for your
marriage yeah I can't tell you any more
about that one cuz I stopped reading it
at the headline but here's a scary one
divorce is contagious that's right when
you have a close couple friend split up
it increases your chances of getting a
divorce by 75% now I have to say I don't
get this one at all my husband and I
have watched quite a few friends divide
their assets and then struggle with
being our age and single in
age of sexting and viagra and harmony
and I'm thinking they've done more for
my marriage than a lifetime of therapy
ever could so now you may be wondering
why does anyone get married ever well
the US federal government counts more
than a thousand legal benefits to being
someone's spouse a lists that includes
visitation rights in jail but hopefully
you'll never need that one but beyond
the profound federal perks married
people make more money we're healthier
physically and emotionally we produce
happier more stable and more successful
kids we have more sex than are
supposedly swinging single friends
believe it or not we even live longer
which is a pretty compelling argument
for marrying someone you like a lot in
the first place
now if you're not currently experiencing
the joy of the joint tax return I can't
tell you how to find a chore loving
person of the approximately ideal size
and attractiveness who prefers horror
movies and doesn't have a lot of friends
hovering on the brink of divorce but I
can only encourage you to try because
the benefits as I've pointed out are
significant the bottom line is whether
you're in it or you're searching for it
I believe marriage is an institution
worth pursuing and protecting so I hope
you'll use the information I've given
you today to weigh your personal
strengths against your own risk factors
for instance in my marriage I'd say I'm
doing ok on the one hand I have a
husband who's annoyingly lean and
incredibly handsome so I'm obviously
going to need to fatten him up and like
I said we have those divorced friends
who may secretly or subconsciously be
trying to break us up so we have to keep
an eye on that and we do like a cocktail
or two on the other end I have to fake
happy picture thing
and also my husband does a lot around
the house and would happily never see
another romantic comedy as long as he
lives so I've got all those things going
for me but just in case I plan to work
extra hard to not win an Oscar anytime
soon and for the good of your
relationships I would encourage you to
do the same I'll see you at the bar
[Applause]