♪♪
-Let's get to the news!
While speaking to reporters last week
about the ongoing investigation
into classified documents found at his home,
President Biden defended his handling of the files
that had been discovered and said he has "no regrets."
Well, technically, he didn't say it.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden's attorney announced on Saturday
that FBI agents found six more classified documents
during a search of his Delaware home.
Oh, my God, how long is this gonna go on?
I don't have that many un-classified documents
in my house. And how big is Biden's house?
Every day, there's a new update, like, "Oops,
just found some in the guest library."
[ Laughter ] Also, you know they're onto you.
Why wouldn't you get everything all gathered up?
When you were in college, and the cops knocked on your door,
did you just flush some of the weed?
[ Laughter ]
I don't get it. Do all politicians do this?
Is that why Jimmy Carter is still building houses?
[ Laughter ]
Just to store all his classified documents?
[ Laughter ]
I think they're worried I'm gonna do my Carter.
[ Laughter ]
Former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo's new memoir
is set to be released this week, and just to save time,
the title of the book is "80 Percent Off."
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, don't look in these new houses."
[ Laughter ]
The Senate was set to reconvene this afternoon at 3:00
after a 20-day break because
nothing says "Let's get down to business"
like starting work at 3:00 on a Monday.
[ Laughter ]
Three men in California were recently arrested
for attempting to rob a cannabis dispensary
after they led police on a high-speed chase
and crashed into a solar panel.
Man, that sounds like you asked your grandpa
to make up a news story about California.
[ Laughter ]
A horse in Australia
was recently spotted in the back seat of a car
entering a McDonald's drive-through,
but not leaving.
[ Laughter ]
So I can't tell. Yea on that joke or neigh?
[ Laughter ]
Pretty good restraint.
Mike Scollins wrote that joke, and we were very worried
that the burger was gonna have, like, a mane.
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Rhode Island recently agreed
to a child's request to DNA-test
leftover Christmas cookies for evidence of Santa Claus.
And they're not gonna like what they found out.
Uh-oh, looks like Santa murdered a guy in '96.
[ Laughter ]
Public health officials in Massachusetts
have discovered a new strain of gonorrhea
that is resistant to most antibiotics.
Massachusetts, where even the gonorrhea likes to fight stuff.
[ Laughter ]
"You think you're better than me, penicillin?"
[ Laughter ]
Finally, according to the latest numbers,
"Avatar: The Way of Water" has made $2 billion
at the global box office, which is incredible.
Only $1 billion more for the movie to break even.
[ Laughter ]
CNN has reported that a lawyer
for former vice president Mike Pence
found a dozen classified documents last week
at Pence's Indiana home.
Okay, so they're just in every home?
That's the only thing that makes sense anymore.
When you buy a new house and you move in,
there's just classified documents sitting on the counter
next to that half roll of paper towels and box of baking soda.
President Biden is expected to spend the weekend at Camp David,
and you know it's been a rough week
when you start making your weekend plans on Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]
The Justice Department is reportedly considering plans
to search other locations connected to President Biden
as part of its investigation
into his handling of classified documents,
which could include everywhere from Cold Stone to TCBY.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new poll, nearly 60% of New York voters
think Republican congressman George Santos should resign,
while according to him, 180% say he shouldn't.
[ Laughter ]
That's his poll. That's his internal polling.
A newly surfaced video
appears to show New York congressman George Santos
saying that he survived an assassination attempt.
I guess we can't be surprised.
There's always someone gunning for you
when you're the star of the volleyball team
at Baruch College.
[ Laughter ]
Former FBI official Charles McGonigal
was arrested over the weekend on charges of money laundering
and violating sanctions against Russia
while working with a Russian oligarch.
But remember, under our system, McGonigal is innocent
until Trump calls him a good man.
[ Laughter ]
A South Carolina woman recently used winnings
from a scratch-off lottery ticket
to purchase a Powerball ticket and won $150,000
in what financial experts are calling
still a smarter investment strategy than crypto.
[ Laughter ]
Candy company Mars announced yesterday
it will replace its so-called M&M's spokescandies
in upcoming ads.
Luckily, the green one's got another gig lined up.
[ Laughter ]
"You melted in my husband's hands."
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Spain recently raided a tobacco factory
accused of exploiting workers
and seized $41 million worth of leaves and cigarettes.
And to teach them a lesson,
they're going to make them smoke every last one of them.
[ Laughter ]
I should make whoever wrote that smoke the joke.
[ Laughter ]
Roll it up.
And finally -- Oh, it's Scollins.
Thank you. Wally went back to let me know who wrote it.
He wanted to make sure I could shame him by name.
[ Laughter ]
Mike Scollins.
If you're watching, which you probably aren't,
go smoke your joke.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, after Disney World's Splash Mountain
officially closed yesterday,
containers of water from the ride are being sold on eBay,
including one listing for a four-ounce bottle for $4,
which is still way cheaper than buying a water at Disney World.
[ Laughter ]
Former Vice President Mike Pence's lawyer
reportedly found close to a dozen classified documents
last week at Pence's Indiana home.
And when Pence heard that, he stayed white as a ghost.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Mike Pence's lawyer reportedly found close
to a dozen classified documents last week
at Pence's Indiana home.
Man, this is starting to feel
like the beginning of the pandemic.
You hear about one case, then another.
And before you know it, we're all going to be locked in
our apartments, wiping down our mail, terrified that
some classified documents are going to get in.
The Justice Department has now launched an investigation into
the dozen classified documents found at former Vice President
Mike Pence's Indiana home, and more specifically,
why was Joe Biden keeping them there?
[ Laughter ]
"I like to spread it out."
The Senate Judiciary Committee held a hearing yesterday
in the Ticket Master's recent mishandling of Taylor Swift
concert tickets, and let's just say
we're kind of glad we weren't there.
-I'm the problem. It's me.
-She's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers.
-We know all too well.
-Oh.
It's like when your mom tries to impress your friends.
"Your father cheated on me, but I'm just going
to shake it off, right, kids?"
House speaker Kevin McCarthy told reporters yesterday
that if the Ethics Committee finds that New York Congressman
George Santos broke the law "then we will remove him."
So I guess it's up to the chairman
of the Ethics Committee.
Oh, no, it's George Santos!
[ Laughter ]
In a new interview, Pope Francis said
he doesn't mind criticism, and said it "helps you grow
and improve things," because nothing says you're
open to change like still speaking Latin.
[ Laughter ]
The FDA yesterday proposed new guidelines that would limit
lead levels in processed baby food.
A real surprise to parents, who thought
the current limit was any.
[ Laughter ]
Hm, hardly any lead.
Netflix said yesterday it plans to start cracking down
on password sharing in March, which only gives you
a couple months to find something
on Netflix worth watching.
You guys want to try "Sad Norwegian Detective"?
Apparently there's eight seasons.
He keeps getting sadder.
[ Laughter ]
The makers of the beer Natural Light have announced
a new logo and can.
Incidentally, natural light
is what their customers fear most.
Ahh!
Shut the door!
And finally, a Canadian artist recently earned
a Guinness world record for largest spice painting
after she used turmeric, paprika and clove
to paint a 900 square foot butterfly.
It was supposed to 1,200 square feet, but then she sneezed.
[ Laughter ]
It's a very, very dumb joke.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report, the Justice Department
was prepared to obtain a warrant
if President Biden did not agree to last week's search
of his Delaware home.
Oh, he's not the kind of guy who won't let you in.
He's the kind of guy who won't let you leave.
"Come on, guys." [ Laughter ]
"One more Michelob. I'm gonna get out my guitar."
New York Mayor Eric Adams told reporters yesterday
he does not believe asylum seekers
should qualify for the same protections
that require the city to provide shelter to homeless people.
In related news, the Statue of Liberty
walked into the Hudson River.
[ Laughter ]
New York Congressman George Santos
gave his first floor speech yesterday
and quoted former President Ronald Reagan,
or as Santos calls him, "Dad."
[ Laughter ]
"My living dad."
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump has reportedly begun texting.
This news first reported by Stormy Daniels.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ] Throwback.
[ Laughter ]
Trump has already reportedly stopped picking up calls
from numbers that are not in his contacts,
which is surprising since you'd think he'd jump
at the chance to pick up a call that says "scam likely."
[ Laughter ]
"I think you and I are going to have a lot in common..."
[ Laughter ] "...Scam Likely."
[ Chuckles ]
Transportat--
That was his Secret Service name.
[ Laughter ]
The Transportation Department has announced
that it is in the early stages of its investigation
into Southwest Airlines' handling of flight cancelations
during last month's holiday season...
and should be done by the time everyone makes it home.
[ Laughter ]
A new study suggests that Earth's inner core
may have stopped turning and could go in reverse.
Shouldn't have gotten the vaccine.
[ Laughter ]
A passenger on an Emirates flight to Dubai
recently gave birth midflight.
Not to be outdone, a passenger on Spirit...got pregnant!
[ Laughter, applause ]
I just used a technique called Amy Poehler-ing the punch line.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, authorities in Connecticut
are looking for a thief who recently stole
two designer bags and a hairless cat,
or as the thief believed, three designer bags.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh [no audio]"
[ Hissing ]
[ Laughter ]
That was a monologue, everybody.