FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE IN THE COMEDY GYM,
SCULPTING MY MAJOR NEWS MUSCLES, BLASTING MY TOPICAL PECS AND
QUADS, BULKING AND CUTTING THE STORIES OF THE DAY INTO THE
SINEWY, HERCULEAN PHYSIQUE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO SCAN MY KEYCARD, PUTTER AROUND
LOOKING AT MY PHONE FOR A WHILE, DO FIVE MINUTES OF HALF-ASSED
CARDIO, ALL SO I CAN JUSTIFY THE CHOCOLATE PEANUT-BUSTER PROTEIN
SHAKE THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE IS A HOT CUP OF COFFEE FOR AMERICA.
MEANWHILE, "PRINCE ANDREW REPORTEDLY LET A SUPERMODEL
SIT ON THE QUEEN'S THRONE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE," THEN "THE
SUPERMODEL SPOTTED A BOWL SHE LIKED AND ASKED ANDREW IF SHE
COULD STEAL IT AND MAIL IT TO HER MOM.
SHE CLAIMS THAT HE LET HER, AND HER MOM LOVED IT!"
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS ALL FROM SOME "UNNAMED SOURCE," AND IT'S NOT
CORROBORATED AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN AT FACE VALUE, BUT HE
DEFINITELY DID IT.
( LAUGHTER )
CERTAIN CAPRICE BOURRET, WHICH "MADE PRINCE HARRY, WHO WAS THEN
JUST A 16-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLBOY, JEALOUS BECAUSE HE 'HAD
CAPRICE'S CALENDAR ON HIS BEDROOM WALL.'"
ANDREW HAS NOW BECOME A CARICATURE OF THE IRRESPONSIBLE
UNCLE.
"HEY, CHECK IT OUT, KID.
I'VE GOT THE GIRL FROM YOUR WALL.
I'M GONNA HAVE HER PUT HER SEXY BUTT ON YOUR GRANDMA'S CHAIR.
BY THE WAY, YOU GOT ANY WEED?
I LOST MINE BREAKING UP A COCKFIGHT."
MEANWHILE, A FASHION DESIGNER WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK WHEN HE
UNVEILED HIS NEW LINE OF INFLATABLE PANTS.
JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED: A PAIR OF LEATHER PANTS THAT LOOK
LIKE I PUT THEM ON, COULDN'T GET THEM OFF, AND THEN PEED IN THEM
FOR DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A REALLY GOOD LOOK.
AS YOU CAN SEE, THE PANTS FIT SNUGLY AT THE WAIST, BUT THEN
BALLOON OUT TO DOUBLE THE WIDTH OF THE WEARER AROUND THE THIGHS.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO TAKE THEIR MANSPREADING TO THE
NEXT LEVEL.
( LAUGHTER )
WHY HE FELT THE NEED TO DESIGN THESE, SAYING, "I SEE THE SAME
IMAGES AND SIMILAR PROPORTIONS EVERYWHERE."
YEAH, IT'S ALMOST LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR CLOTHES ARE THE SAME
SPECIES.
"I SEE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE PUTTING SHIRTS ON THEIR 'TORSOS.'
THAT'S WHY I CREATED THE FACE SHIRT."
MEANWHILE, DOCTORS ARE NOW WARNING THE PUBLIC THAT "PUTTING
POTATOES UP YOUR BUTT WON'T CURE HEMORRHOIDS."
( LAUGHTER )
FROZEN TATER TOTS, IT WILL SPEED UP THE DEFROSTING PROCESS.
( LAUGHTER )
ABSOLUTELY.
THAT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY REFRESH BE.
>> Jon: YES, I CAN'T DO IT.
>> Stephen: NOW, WHEN WARNINGS LIKE THESE ARE GIVEN, IT'S
TEMPTING TO DISMISS THEM AS STUPID AND UNNECESSARY, WHICH IS
WHY I'D LIKE TO ISSUE THIS "LATE SHOW" PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT: REMEMBER: IF THERE'S A WARNING,
IT MEANS SOMEONE DID IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SUCCULENT-FANCIERS WAS ROCKED WHEN A "DEVASTATED WOMAN
DISCOVERED THE PLANT SHE'D BEEN WATERING FOR TWO YEARS WAS FAKE"
AND JUST PLASTIC "ATTACHED TO A BLOCK OF FOAM, AND DECORATED
WITH SAND, WHICH WAS GLUED ON TOP."
AND SHE SAYS, "I FEEL LIKE THESE LAST TWO YEARS HAVE BEEN A
LIE."
( LAUGHTER )
SHE HAS THE SUPPORT OF HER LOVING HUSBAND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, 38% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY
WOULDN'T BUY CORONA BEER "UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES" BECAUSE OF
THE CORONAVIRUS, WHILE THE OTHER 62% WOULDN'T BUY IT BECAUSE IT'S
CORONA BEER.
( LAUGHTER )
PEOPLE ARE MISINFORMED.
STILL, CORONA REALLY WANTS TO STEER CLEAR OF SAYING ANYTHING
THAT ASSOCIATES THEIR PRODUCT WITH AN IMPENDING THREAT FROM
OVERSEAS.
SO THEY PUT OUT THIS ACTUAL AD FOR THEIR HARD SELTZER:
>> Stephen: YEAH.
"COMING ASHORE SOON."
A LITTLE TONE DEAF.
STILL BETTER THAN THEIR ORIGINAL AD.
JIM?
>> INTRODUCING CORONA HARD SETTLER, THE SICKEST DRINK OUT
THERE.
YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT ALREADY HAVE IT.
YOU CAN'T TELL JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM.
CORONA HARD SETTLER: YOU'VE BEEN EXPOSED.
( LAUGHTER )