Whether you’re super rich or super poor, whether you’ve got a life that most people
would die to have or rather die, opening up about how you really feel, including the times
that you’re upset with whatever it might be, is not only an important thing to do in
your relationships, but is also an important thing to do in life.
So why don’t more people do it?
Well, one of the biggest reasons is that, because of all the ways we’ve been invalidated
growing up, so many of us are pretty much programmed to be dismissive of misfortunes
that just don't measure up.
We feel like our trials and tribulations aren't worth mentioning when there’s so many others
who’ve got it worse.
We feel guilty for having even an ounce of displeasure when we should rather be forever
grateful for our many privileges.
All of this might sound quite normal to you, but it’s actually problematic.
In this video, I’m gonna be talking about how it’s all problematic.
Hey! My name is Daniel and I love talking about relationships and mental health.
If you’re interested in these topics as well, don’t forget to subscribe to our channel.
Ok, so let’s start from even before I was born.
My parents grew up in an economically crippled-Korea after the Korean War.
Seeking a better life, my paternal grandparents moved to Canada with their children with very
little money and very little ability to speak English.
My dad went to university here, became an accountant, and had my mom fly over here from
Korea so that they could get married.
My parents broke their backs to give me and my sister a life that they could only dream
of.
And, along the way, my mom talked a lot about their hardships and sacrifice.
As a sensitive kid, just hearing about my parents’ tough past was enough for me to
downplay my difficulties.
And that’s not even as bad as what some of my other second-gen Canadian friends went
through.
In direct response to opening up to their parents, my friends got an earful about how
much tougher it was back in the day and how they should be grateful instead.
Still, from time to time, I did try to voice my feelings when I got upset.
And when I did that, my parents got angry at me.
How dare I request an adjustment on their part when they’ve already done so much for
me?
How dare I be so disrespectful to display my anger around them?
How dare I think they might say “sorry”?
So I, and a lot of my other Korean friends, had to learn to keep the peace with our parents
by pushing our own upset feelings aside.
Now here are the downsides to this kind of emotional invalidation.
If you keep doing this to your children, it's likely that they won’t feel safe to open
up their deepest feelings with you.
Unable to fully be themselves around you, the intimacy you share with your children
will suffer.
Not having that kind of intimacy in the safety of their family life, your children will try
to fill their need for it elsewhere, anywhere.
Now, if they got the idea that their internal experiences, which are very real to them,
are unacceptable and abnormal, they’ll also be more likely to grow up believing that something’s
wrong with them.
This belief then invites shame into their life, which is likely to become another thing
they'll spend a big chunk of their life attempting to cover up.
They’ll have this need to cover up on one end while, on the other end, this need to
be wholly understood and accepted just as they are.
But these forces will work simultaneously against each other in your children's life,
pulling them in either direction like they’re caught in the middle of a Tug of War.
This will leave them increasingly frustrated and lonely.
But they won’t have the full freedom to feel those things.
No.
They’ll have learned from you that their feelings rank too low in this whole hierarchy
of suffering.
So, instead, they’ll be more likely to live inside of their head.
This lack of freedom to just feel can then lead your children down a path of negativity,
anger, and depression.
Now, as they get older, your children will surely have more chances to hear out the misfortunes
of others and to practice empathy.
But would your children listen?
Would they empathize?
Or... would your children make others feel like they’re wrong to think and feel the
way they do?
Would they reduce the sharing of others' misfortunes down to childish, entitled complaining?
Would they bring up others' privilege as a way to say, "Hey, look!
You've got no right to be upset!"
Considering all the invalidation your children would have grown up with, my guess is that
they’d be more likely to invalidate others as well.
And if your children’s children receive the same treatment, then this whole mess just
perpetuates through multiple generations, continuing to cause division among people
all over the world: Division between men and women.
Division between boomers and millennials.
And division between the “privileged” and the marginalized.
Let's stop contributing to all of this division.
Let's stop categorizing and ranking suffering.
Let's stop this nonsense of wearing our hardships like they're some kind of medal or membership
to an exclusive club.
Let's get over our past so that we actually have space for others to open up about their
feelings in the present.
Let's destigmatize talking about being upset.
Let’s stop equating being upset with a lack of gratitude.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of all of this emotional invalidation,
let’s quit labeling one another.
So often I’ve heard the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder being thrown around so
carelessly.
Let's, instead, listen, care, and empathize more.
To finish off, I just wanna say a little message to our children.
If you're watching this some time in the future… mom and I just want you to know that what
you think and feel matters.
What we've been through, what others have been through, or however others treat you…
none of that diminishes the validity of your thoughts and feelings.
Our heart is to show you that we care.
But, being human, I'm sure we've messed up here and there.
And we're sorry for that.
Do forgive us.
But no matter how much this imperfect world fails you, still choose to believe that perfection
does exist… that your thoughts and feelings matter to our perfectly caring God.