Good Afternoon
and welcome to the United States Treasury Department
November FATCA Q&A session for
every non US bank in the world and every non-US country in the world
in honor of Obama's open government initiative
we're going to be taking questions today in instant message format
So! To kick it off what is FATCA?
well, basically we don't like the way that you have been handling taxes for American citizens
in all of your countries, so we're gonna put the United States Internal Revenue Service in charge
. . . if your bank's choose not to cooperate with us
we're going to impose a 30 percent withholding tax
on any activities undertaken by that bank
and any of that bank's customers whether they're American citizens or not
15 F***ing aircraft carriers that's how! You're living in our world B*** get used to it!
Oh Sure! It's just withholding, it's a lot like
US income tax withholding except you don't get any services in return
and there are no refunds...
its easy all you have to do is just give us
any information you have about accounts for US citizens
Oh, uh sorry there's one more thing...
actually ... because you're going to have to prove to us
that you don't have any US accounts you're probably just going to have to give us
all of the information from all of your accounts
Why? We're great with private information, just ask Edward Snowden!
Because we own your asses! Free Ride is over f***!
Do you have any idea how much it pisses us off when people don't do things
our way?! We've been carrying the free world for 50
Goddamn years and it is time we got paid!
Oh that's not a problem. For rich countries like yourselves
we are happy to sign an agreement under which
you agree to force your banks to give you the information
which you will then send to us.
Oh ...well yeah that's ... that's certainly what the agreement will say.
But good luck getting our bankers and their congressmen to agree to that
I'm sorry I didn't catch that?
Oh yeah that reminds me of something.
All of your banks are going to have to sign
individual agreements with the IRS
in English and then fill out a whole bunch of forms with us in English
But! We have got tons of American legal and accounting professionals who are
eager to work with you!
For Just 500 bucks an hour!
Well then get used to only banking in Africa, F****s!
See ... Banking is a rich man's game and we kinda like the idea of keeping it to
ourselves. We got a system
and we're gonna set it up right!
What the F*** China! You want some of this?
That's right a one-world system run by the United States of America